My husband is a database analyst/architect. He, too, has experienced plenty of disagree between what works at work and what works in personal relationships. You are facing a learning curve here, and there's nothing wrong with that.
On the job, would you dive in and immediately start forcing or implementing radical changes in a new system you didn't know well?
You may have thought you knew your marriage and your wife well, but current events would argue otherwise. This is the listening and observation stage for you. Clearly, you *can't* handle it the way you would at work (by asking a million questions), but you can contemplate the things she has told you already and do some solid reading on the subject (I believe you've had some good book recommendations already; I would *also* recommend "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch.) Take full advantage of this part of the process, and then eventually you'll be able to take *actions* that stand a good chance of improving your life.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
On the job, would you dive in and immediately start forcing or implementing radical changes in a new system you didn't know well?
No I would not but I would have to complete a discovery phase for the project which does involve a million questions, which my wife gets frustrated with. She told me the other day, she is tired of all of my questions.
Quote:
You may have thought you knew your marriage and your wife well, but current events would argue otherwise. This is the listening and observation stage for you. Clearly, you *can't* handle it the way you would at work (by asking a million questions), but you can contemplate the things she has told you already and do some solid reading on the subject (I believe you've had some good book recommendations already;.
Yes I did think I knew my wife and marriage well. Obviously I did not. Something I heard today was I should "Study my wife and learn what she wants from me in life" I have never studied my wife to that extent. I guess I simply got to know her over time.
I am trying to read and learn how to become a better man and husband for her. That is really my only option and hope for her to return to me.
She is seeking her independence as she has stated she wants to do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants. Which means without me. I need to learn how I we can be happily married and still be two independent people. Right now I don't believe she thinks I am even thinking like this and would not believe me if I told her. She says actions speak louder than words. The million dollar question is how to show her my actions without smothering her.
I need to learn how I we can be happily married and still be two independent people.
To be happily married you need to independent people. Two visual images - The Ying-Yang symbol, you complement each other (not complete each other.) One side starts and another stops - boundaries. The other visual is of two trees growing side by side with limbs intertwined, swaying together in the wind and in storms. Both trees are independent of each other.
Quote:
The million dollar question is how to show her my actions without smothering her.
You are being watched very closely.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Believe it or not, I *am* sympathetic. You have a pattern for fixing that has always worked for you: Ask a million questions. Figure out what's wrong. Fix it or tell the team how to do it. Quickly quickly; time is money, there's a deadline.
Job one is to understand the ways that pattern is impacting your emotions and playing into your stress. First of all, there is no deadline. I wonder how much of your panic and overcontrol has been coming from an internal perception that there is.
Originally Posted By: LHSM
Right now I don't believe she thinks I am even thinking like this and would not believe me if I told her. She says actions speak louder than words. The million dollar question is how to show her my actions without smothering her.
This one is *really* easy. She has asked for space. Give it to her. Nobody said you have to treat her like a stranger; give her a smile when you pass in the hall. But no more roses, and stop getting all up in her grill, literally or metaphorically. That WILL show her that you're listening, thinking, and changing.
What would you think of a team member who was tasked to work project A but at the end of the week, clocked in with no work at all on project A but a whole lot of work you never asked for on project B?
Ultimately, though, what SHE thinks is her business. Learning about relationship dynamics and making requested tweaks to your own behavior can be positive, but NOT if you're ONLY doing it to make an impression on her. Coach and others have already given you some great advice on making goals that only concern YOU, continuing to create yourself as a man you can respect. Don't discard it. There are plenty of happy outcomes on the board involving men who did *exactly* that.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Why do I feel like she is not paying any attention to me?
Change your feelings.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
First of all, there is no deadline. I wonder how much of your panic and overcontrol has been coming from an internal perception that there is.
Yes, yes I feel like i need to fix it now but I know I cannot. I wrote that in the journal I started today.
I do need to set some goals, I did write down in my journal that my first short term goal is to find the right things to to in order to keep her in the house. I cannot keep making mistakes that will push her further away and make her want to leave the house.
Other than that, goals for myself, I have not quite figured out yet but I am heading back to the bookstore now to pick up Co-Dependent No More: How to Quite Controlling Others.
One of her complaints is that I am controlling. I thought I was just being caring and helpful but she feels controlled. I don't want to be that type of person, especially if it hurts my wife.
I am a fellow computer guy myself who is having problems in my marriage. You have 3 of the best on this board in Puppy, Coach, & Kett helping you. You need to listen to them carefully. I read the two books suggested NMMNG and CNM; both helped me understand how I was driving my W away. I would strongly suggest reading them and give your W the space she desires.
By the way, with the help of the 3 mentioned above and many others, I think I may have been able to turn my marriage around. You can do this too. Good luck.
