"I can't give you what you need for a timeline. I can't make any promises. That's not fair to you or me. I'm not doing anything but working on myself right now. This is not all about you. It is about ME. There is no one else, no need for any of that. This is MY time. I am doing what I want when I want and how I want. I don't have the time or patience to want or need someone else. I want to love myself, that's all. Enough for today please."
your wife is an excellent DB'er. Heed the example.
LHSM, you need to really take this time to try an detach. I know exactly what you are going through, I am in a very similar situation. For the first week or two after the bomb, I persued and continuously attempted to reach out to W, but I felt like I was talking to a wall. I have since decided to work on myself and try to become a dependent, happy free spirit. I am not exactly where I want to be just yet and it hasn't been easy, but it does make me feel better about MYSELF. I need to let her find her way out the fog that she is in right now.
Me 44/W 32 S1 M8 Bomb 9/25/09 Separate houses (about 1 hour apart)
Can you convince me that moving on without her will get her back?
No, I can't convince you that's up to you. You are not moving on, who said anything about that? Taking care of yourself, being the man you are meant to be, having the confidence to leave her be, and improving yourself mentally, physically, spiritually and intellectually is attractive to a woman.
Quote:
Can you elaborate on how what she said is healthy? Healthy for her, healthy for me or healthy for our marriage? Doe what she say convince you that she is not looking or does not have another man?
Because she cares enough about herself to take care of herself, self-love. It's healthy for you becuase you will either make healthy changes or she will leave you (the pain of staying will be greater than the pain of leaving for her.) IDK if she has a OM, you will have to be aware of what is going on - cell-phone records. IMs, changes in behavior, listening to different music, using new expressions, etc.
You really want a reversal? Understand the position you are in and how will you get out move by move. You have to think first then act. You also have to do the drills, exercise, work and learn the techniques.
List some goals.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think I am going to take my laptop to the bookstore today. Look for some books (the one you recommend) have some coffee and study on how to be a better husband.
LHSM, I would suggest you get (and read) some books and study how to be a better LoveHerSoMuch.
When you become that, you will automatically be more attractive to her as a husband.
You doing things like giving her that card and calling her just reminds her over and over how she DOESN'T feel about you. It's a very bad feeling, and you're shoving it in her face. Leave her alone!
You are still in this game. She's saying things to you my W was telling me 2-3 years ago. I thought I just needed to be a better H, be more romantic, do more around the house, etc. WRONG! The more I did, the farther away she got. She's telling you what she needs. She needs you to get out of her face. She needs to feel like loving you is a choice for her, not an obligation, and showing her that it's a choice for you too is exactly where you have to get. What you're showing her is complete and utter DEPENDENCE. Coach's suggestions are dead on right. When your W feels like you don't NEED her anymore, then she maybe she can relax and evaluate how she really feels. Until then, she'll keep her protective walls up.
It doesn't get any clearer than that. Let her alone. Don't plan getaways or romantic dinners or any of that stuff. Read. His Needs Her Needs and Boundaries for Marriage.
Wait for her to come to you. You are still in the house. She said she is working on herself. Let her do it without your help.
As for another man, well, you can drive yourself crazy worrying about it or think back to the independent person you were when you two first met. Rediscover that guy. Is there a project you always wanted to do? If so, throw yourself into it while you wait.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I thank every single one of you for your advice today. I have not read anything that I do not agree with. I am really trying hard today. When you are with someone almost everyday for 7 years then all of a sudden they don't want to be around you or hear from you, it feels like I have been thrown away like a piece of trash.
I will heed the advice I am hearing and detach and let her have that independence she is seeking. At least we are still in the same house, so it could be worse. I will hold onto the hope that if she sees me giving her what she wants she will know that I am for real and I am really trying.
I need to figure out my goals and write them down. I just cannot put my finger on what they should be yet.
Keeping myself busy is important. The busier I am the less likely I am to sit around and email or call her at work. I need to stay busy at work as well because I have access to email all day long and it will be tempting next week when I am back at work to send her emails.
It is a rainy chilly day today and I have the day off from work. I went to the Borders Books and picked up this book called the Love Dare. It is suppose to be a 40 day journey to getting your marriage back. I found out about it after watching the movie Fireproof last night. So decided to go to my favorite coffee shop where they have free wireless and good coffee and read and reflect.
Some things that I am really missing right now:
- The smell of her hair - The softness of her skin - The sound of her laugh - The beauty of her smile - Having dinner together - Going to the gym together - Kissing her goodnight every night
It is a rainy chilly day today and I have the day off from work. I went to the Borders Books and picked up this book called the Love Dare.
That is not the book to read right now. Let's see Puppy said it twice and I'll repeat it. "You are not listening!"
- NMMNG Dr Robert Glover - Co-Dependent No More Melody Beattie
You can keep trying your way or learn from others who have been there. You have a choice in how you handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I thank every single one of you for your advice today. I have not read anything that I do not agree with. I am really trying hard today. When you are with someone almost everyday for 7 years then all of a sudden they don't want to be around you or hear from you, it feels like I have been thrown away like a piece of trash.
I will heed the advice I am hearing and detach and let her have that independence she is seeking. At least we are still in the same house, so it could be worse. I will hold onto the hope that if she sees me giving her what she wants she will know that I am for real and I am really trying.
I need to figure out my goals and write them down. I just cannot put my finger on what they should be yet.
Keeping myself busy is important. The busier I am the less likely I am to sit around and email or call her at work. I need to stay busy at work as well because I have access to email all day long and it will be tempting next week when I am back at work to send her emails.
It is a rainy chilly day today and I have the day off from work. I went to the Borders Books and picked up this book called the Love Dare. It is suppose to be a 40 day journey to getting your marriage back. I found out about it after watching the movie Fireproof last night. So decided to go to my favorite coffee shop where they have free wireless and good coffee and read and reflect.
Some things that I am really missing right now:
- The smell of her hair - The softness of her skin - The sound of her laugh - The beauty of her smile - Having dinner together - Going to the gym together - Kissing her goodnight every night
