That is good to know. I was wondering if there were any happy endings on this board.
I will do anything to get her back. That is why I am here. I need strength and patience. She keeps telling me the more I bother her the more I am pushing her away. I just haven't understood the "space and time" thing yet. I guess I am worried she is going to spend time thinking about how to leave me rather than thinking about how to come back to me.
That very urgency and clawing need to get her back is very understandable, and I think something a lot of us here have gone through. Hey. we're all human eh.
My sitch has been called somewhat of a rarity too. W has completely woken up. Not that we have a fantasy marriage, no, we have issues and problems and scars from the A, but we're working them through. With the baby due soon, it adds some stress.
Sorry if you felt folks kept harping on the OM thing. It's just a lot more common than you might assume and being blindsided by it can be devastating. I was in much a position like yours for a few months leading up to discovery, and for the life of me I could not figure out why she needed that space, and behaving like an alien. Knowing OM existed and what I was up against helped me deal with things better.
As Coach has posted, your W is clear on what she wants / needs right now. One of the big mistakes I made was in not giving my W that very thing. It WILL push her away. GAL and leave it in the hands of God.
Good luck!
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Well, whether she is having an affair or not, what everyone is telling you to do would be the same right now.
Any kind of pursuing would feel "icky" to her. I used to hate the ol' victim/sad puppy dog look my H gave me. Everything ticked me off. Leave her alone and look within yourself to find what will make you a strong, confident, differentiated man. Be a man that any woman would die to be with, and a man that doesn't need a woman to be great. That is attractive. Don't think "what can I do to make her love me again" (ick), think "what can I do to be confident and happy", and then get ready to be patient.
I really appreciate all the advice. I am starting to read this site several times during the day now.
After she went to bed last night, I went downstairs and watched a movie called "Fireproof". It was a great movie about a marriage gone bad and how the husband wins his wife back. I am not very religious but I am a christian and the movie was based on christian principles. There was a quote in the movie that I liked:
"Never leave your partner alone, especially in a fire".
I made a homemade card last night after the movie and wrote some promises in it. Then I went out to our garden and got a red rose and picked off the pedals. I put the card and rose pedals on her dresser while she was sleeping. She got up this morning and got ready for work and left again without saying anything to me. I called her and asked if you liked the card and she said it was sweet but she is just tired of talking about our R everyday.
I sent her this email a few minutes ago, after she said she would at least think about spending some time with me again but she needs to think about it first:
"Thank you. I really am working hard on myself and I want you to share that with you. I love you with every inch of my soul! I will win you back and show you I can be an awesome, fun, loving, sweet, husband. I want to study you and learn more about you than I already know, so I can treat you the way you need to be treated."
She responded:
"Thank you for trying. Actions are louder than words. I am spending this time to work on myself and be more independent. You have to give me time. I don’t know how much time."
The email was good. The card was not. The grand gesture will not work, in fact it works in reverse.
My W decided in February to split up at the end of the school year. In March, we had a great talk and for a couple of weeks things looked like they were going to be OK.
A couple of small things happened and W started to shut me out again. For our anniversary, she said she didn't want gifts and would go out to eat as a family.
I'm a romantic though and I scanned in a bunch of photos from our lives together. I then sat our daughters down and made a digital recording of their reactions to the pictures. A friend at work then dubbed the girls and I talking over the photos on a CD.
It cost me nothing. Girls kept telling W how much she was going to love the gift. They made her watch it again and again until she threw it out.
When we split in May -- couldn't even make it to end of school year -- she said that CD was the last straw. It was my attempt to convince her what a great we had and that she was throwing it away.
Her response is all you need to know. You have to give her time and space. No pursuing. No I Love You's. No big trips or surprise gifts.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I called her and asked if you liked the card and she said it was sweet but she is just tired of talking about our R everyday.
Quote:
"Thank you for trying. Actions are louder than words. I am spending this time to work on myself and be more independent. You have to give me time. I don’t know how much time."
So when you were coaching wresting did you just talk about goals or did you have a plan to achieve the goals then set about doing what you need to do. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" (NMMNG). She really does not want flowers from you now.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I called her and asked if you liked the card and she said it was sweet but she is just tired of talking about our R everyday.
Quote:
"Thank you for trying. Actions are louder than words. I am spending this time to work on myself and be more independent. You have to give me time. I don’t know how much time."
So when you were coaching wresting did you just talk about goals or did you have a plan to achieve the goals then set about doing what you need to do. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" (NMMNG). She really does not want flowers from you now.
Coach, I used to make my wrestlers write down their goals at the beginning of each season. They would have to tape them to the inside door of their locker and read them before practice.
I need some goals but I am just not clear on what they should be and how I will show her my actions are louder than words. It seems like I am training for a match that will never happen.
I think I am going to take my laptop to the bookstore today. Look for some books (the one you recommend) have some coffee and study on how to be a better husband.
Her last email to me a few minutes ago:
"I can’t give you what you need for a timeline. I can’t make any promises. That’s not fair to you or me. I’m not doing anything but working on myself right now. This is not all about you. It is about ME. There is no one else, no need for any of that. This is MY time. I am doing what I want when I want and how I want. I don’t have the time or patience to want or need someone else. I want to love myself, that’s all. Enough for today please."
I can’t give you what you need for a timeline. I can’t make any promises. That’s not fair to you or me. I’m not doing anything but working on myself right now. This is not all about you. It is about ME. There is no one else, no need for any of that. This is MY time. I am doing what I want when I want and how I want. I don’t have the time or patience to want or need someone else. I want to love myself, that’s all. Enough for today please."
DO NOT respond right now, wait. I promise this is healthy what she is saying. "Love your neighbor as yourself." She can't give away what she doesn't have. If you truly love her you will honor her request.
Quote:
like I am training for a match that will never happen.
You are already in the match and counting ceiling tiles.
Quote:
I need some goals
Become responsible for my own happiness.
Workout x times/week
Revisit hobbies
Read x books/month
Understand why I am so clingy, co-dependent, and smothering.
Make myself desirable.
etc........
Then plan the actions out to achieve them and measure them.
Notice they all are about you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I can’t give you what you need for a timeline. I can’t make any promises. That’s not fair to you or me. I’m not doing anything but working on myself right now. This is not all about you. It is about ME. There is no one else, no need for any of that. This is MY time. I am doing what I want when I want and how I want. I don’t have the time or patience to want or need someone else. I want to love myself, that’s all. Enough for today please."
DO NOT respond right now, wait. I promise this is healthy what she is saying. "Love your neighbor as yourself." She can't give away what she doesn't have. If you truly love her you will honor her request.
Quote:
like I am training for a match that will never happen.
You are already in the match and counting ceiling tiles.
Quote:
I need some goals
Become responsible for my own happiness.
Workout x times/week
Revisit hobbies
Read x books/month
Understand why I am so clingy, co-dependent, and smothering.
Make myself desirable.
etc........
Then plan the actions out to achieve them and measure them.
Notice they all are about you.
Coach, I wish you were here with me to help me get me through this. I look forward to your responses.
I did not respond to her email. Can you elaborate on how what she said is healthy? Healthy for her, healthy for me or healthy for our marriage? Doe what she say convince you that she is not looking or does not have another man?
I was a pretty damn good wrestler in my day and can say I was never pinned. 109-9 high school record. Not so successful in college. I don't want to think I am counting ceiling tiles yet. I am hoping that I have simply been taken down and now I am scrambling to get a reversal.
Sometimes I read these suggestions on GAL, like the ones you mention and they sound like they are ways to move on without her. Can you convince me that moving on without her will get her back?
I am new at this, but in the past couple weeks when the bomb was officially dropped, I have found that even little things (note with rose petals) can be SMOTHERING. I don't know how many times in the past several months my W asked for space and no mushy stuff, I didn't really get it until she told me a couple of weeks ago that she didnt love me and needs to be independent. I've found clarity from this site, some posts more than others, but I will tell you that I've found that giving that space and GAL is great for me and my personal growth and happiness. I don't know how it will turn out with my wife and MC, but it does bring me some happiness to know that I will have grown. Maybe into what she needs, or maybe just into a better man.
