my W doesn't regret her affair

[futureunknown]

Thanks Puppy, it does make sense, and I've been guilty of loving an image of her that isn't all real, but only lately. In our M, I certainly wasn't guilty of that! She felt like I was beating her over the head with her weaknesses and faults, and I hate to say, I was. To ignore their faults is just as bad, because as you say, then they think you're loving someone they're not. I think the key is to LOVINGLY ACCEPT their faults, so they feel they'll be loved no matter what. One way they know it is by harmlessly teasing them about their faults. I totally get it now.

Maybe it helped today when we left mediation, I smiled at her and addressed her as "Loser Wife". She smiled and answered back "Loser Husband", and I said "No, I'm Pathetic Husband". She said "Oh right, Pathetic Husband!" We were actually smiling and joking on our way out of mediation, a strange turn of events. We did tell the mediator to hold off on preparing the separation papers until next year. As I left her in the elevator she smiled and asked "Talk later?" I said "Sure".

She just sent me a picture of our youngest daughter riding a full sized horse at her riding lesson this afternoon. She looks like a doll on that horse!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Maybe it helped today when we left mediation, I smiled at her and addressed her as "Loser Wife". She smiled and answered back "Loser Husband", and I said "No, I'm Pathetic Husband". She said "Oh right, Pathetic Husband!" We were actually smiling and joking on our way out of mediation, a strange turn of events. We did tell the mediator to hold off on preparing the separation papers until next year. As I left her in the elevator she smiled and asked "Talk later?" I said "Sure".

That's good.

[futureunknown]

Ahhh, but Grasshopper, that is the Chicken and the Egg.

You see, it is my GALing to the point where you BEGIN to stop being so co-dependent on her, that she will MAKE THE CHOICE to break away from OM altogether!!

Understand???

Funny stuff Puppy. The young kids here at work totally don't get it when I call them Grasshopper!

Boy, I sure feel like I'm not co-dependent any more. I definitely was, and it was hard breaking away, but we've been separated for 10 months now. I'm living in my house, got my kids half the time, doing great with them, and I'm busy almost every night I don't have them. I'll be running a marathon next month. I think I'm doing okay.

She needs to make the break from OM. She knows it, I know it. Remember, OM is thousands of miles away, so that muddies things up a little bit. He's never even been here.

Today in mediation the subject of tax returns way in the future came up, and I was forced to say "I can't be required to submit my future tax returns to adjust child support. I will almost certainly be married again, probably with other kids involved, and I can't have my wife's income being included in the child support adjustment." My W seemed very surprised when I said that. I think she gets it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Okie dokie.

[GH31]

Good morning Future,

She needs to make the break from OM. She knows it, I know it.

And she most probably will under the right conditions. She may not be as "drugged out" anymore but the affair is still in progress, and, as Puppy and the good Phoenixdeux point out your marriage is worthless while that's the case.

I know you were bad in your M. I was in mine too. I was abusive, thoughtless, selfish and an all round jerk. You're responsible for that and I can tell you own it. You're not responsible for your wife's decision to lie and cheat.

If OM is thousands of miles away (as he was in my sitch) that will naturally limit the extent to which he can meet your wife's emotional needs. After the infatuation chemicals started to subside a little in your wife's brain and reality intruded on her fantasy, she looked to you ... but not completely as you've discovered.

Phoenixdeux and Puppy are right, now is not the first 6 months of your W's affair. You would be better off going completely dark until/unless you are 100% that your W's affair is history. I did this with my own W and she came back albeit grudgingly. Her actions tell you that she's far from done with you.

Translation: "I don't know what I want" means "I'm not ready to give up my affair yet" similar to "I'll quit smoking next year".

Please keep us posted.

[Dia]

... and I said "No, I'm Pathetic Husband".

"But, Daaa-aaad, I'm Jesus Christ !"

This concludes your obscure Bill Cosby reference for the day.

[futureunknown]

And she most probably will under the right conditions. She may not be as "drugged out" anymore but the affair is still in progress, and, as Puppy and the good Phoenixdeux point out your marriage is worthless while that's the case.

We have managed to work on our R, but I know what you mean, she still has that wall up because she hasn't let go of OM, and as long as that wall is there, I'm on the outside looking in.

I know you were bad in your M. I was in mine too. I was abusive, thoughtless, selfish and an all round jerk. You're responsible for that and I can tell you own it. You're not responsible for your wife's decision to lie and cheat.

Thanks Dia. Sometimes I do blame myself too much I think. At least now she appears to own her actions. She said to me "At least what you did is denfensible, what I did is indefensible."

If OM is thousands of miles away (as he was in my sitch) that will naturally limit the extent to which he can meet your wife's emotional needs. After the infatuation chemicals started to subside a little in your wife's brain and reality intruded on her fantasy, she looked to you ... but not completely as you've discovered.

Phoenixdeux and Puppy are right, now is not the first 6 months of your W's affair. You would be better off going completely dark until/unless you are 100% that your W's affair is history. I did this with my own W and she came back albeit grudgingly. Her actions tell you that she's far from done with you.

I'm not really sure what to do here. I've said enough things to her that I think she knows I will not tolerate her continued contact with OM. I can't decide if it's more powerful to let her WONDER what I'll do if she decides to stay in contact with him, or to clearly lay out the consequences.

Translation: "I don't know what I want" means "I'm not ready to give up my affair yet" similar to "I'll quit smoking next year".

I agree completely. She's still clinging to it, although I can see enough reality sinking in so part of her knows it's a losing play.

"But, Daaa-aaad, I'm Jesus Christ !"

This concludes your obscure Bill Cosby reference for the day.

LOL! Alright, who here gets that reference?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I do!!!

[GH31]

G'day again Future,

I'm not really sure what to do here.

Yes you are.

I've said enough things to her

You've said enough things. OK. What have you done?

...that I think she knows I will not tolerate her continued contact with OM.

How long will you continue to tolerate it?

You may or may not see this mate, but you are tacitly tolerating her continued contact with OM but hanging out with her during her affair.

So far she has no reason to believe you won't tolerate continued contact with OM, since, you're continuing to hang out with her, do family things i.e. meet all of the emotional needs that OM can't meet.

I know you're hurting son, and that you love her. I have been through all of the hell that you currently find yourself in.

Puppy is right, this is a chicken and the egg thing and your wife is very unlikely to end her affair before you've gone dark and shown her what life without you is really like. Right now she is comfortably uncomfortable.

I know it's tough.

I can't decide if it's more powerful to let her WONDER what I'll do if she decides to stay in contact with him, or to clearly lay out the consequences.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

What is working?

What is not working?

She's in contact with OM and you are also there for her. She doesn't need to WONDER what you will do because you've established a track record of being there for her and she's comfortable with the routine.

Your wife is actively adulterous and will respond to nothing but hard consequences.

Simply telling her what the consequences will be will likely be completely ineffective and be interpreted as lecturing/controlling/manipulative.

Telling a smoker that they will get lung cancer and heart disease does not make them stop smoking.

If they actually suffer a heart attack or lung cancer and are lucky enough to survive, they are MUCH more likely to do whatever it takes to get help.

You and I both know this.

Sorry to wheel out the smoking analogy again. Hang in there Future.

[antlers]

Hey futureunknown,

I saw this on this board a while back..."there's a lot to be said for letting her know you respect yourself enough to let go of the people that don't value you."

You are a good man.