Good point stronger. My H is notoriously a bear when working. Also late at night.
H called today to ask about details for the museum he and FIL are taking S to (yes, I said I was busy and couldn't go!). I gave him said info - briefly and to the point. H still very growly and intense sounding - brought me down after having felt good and independent all morning. Went for some exercise immediately, felt better.
There I was doing everything I was supposed to do - and H was still angry at me. Ugh.
Yes it is. But really for you, wouldn't it be better for him to be the big cry baby and pissy because you didn't give him control? If he's going to be an a$$ no matter what, then you might as well let him be an out of control of you a$$.
Yes, letting him be his own out of control a$$ is a good idea. So, I'm laying low until we get into MC as he has promised within the next month. H is coming over tonight with FIL to be with S, I'm going out until bedtime. We'll take it one day at a time, but I guess I need to act as if we aren't in a R at all, because when I tried to show my availability (per his previous complaints that I was gone all the time), he has used this against me.
I don't know if not being around is giving me or him power. If it's really what he wants - for me to be out of his face - then it actually gives him power. But it gives me power over my own life. It may not give me power in his eyes, but it does give me my own life back.
I love the crown image - H really does walk around with this sense of entitlement. I am not supposed to ask, propose, suggest anything.
So be it.
I am getting it about grabbing my power back. Like I said, I'm struggling with the fact that he left BECAUSE I was going out, getting dressed up, doing my own thing, etc. I don't want to do my old behaviors.
But there is still a way to just keep busy with my own plans and not ask anything of him. If he invtes me, that is a different story. Otherwise, he needs to see I"m ok with the separation.
I forgot the thing about the 2 weeks. I felt so proud of myself that I did my own thing this weekend - and that is obviously not enough time.
Has anyone else had success with the GAL for two+ weeks?
Hope,
You are getting some good advice from some very knowledgeable people.
GAL'ing is critical and it works. Now what does it work for (i.e., accomplish)? A couple of things. First, it shows your WAS you aren't sitting around pining for them to grace you with their presence. It shows the WAS that you will be just fine on your own. And, YOU WILL.
Second, it gets you busy and interested in hte positive things in life. Do something you have always wanted to do but haven't. New experiences, knowledge and fun. This will boost your self confidence and, most importantly, it puts the right person in charge of your happiness...YOU. When you accept that only YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness, your H's moods/actions/words might have some affect upon you, but they do not dictate what your mood is.
I meant does it work in getting H's attention. I've never had a problem living life for me - that's what got me into this mess - among other things, H resented that I devoted most of my energy to our S, and then at night, out doing theatre and having a social life when he is a shy computer nerd. H and I lived separate lives for years and didn't know how to connect. Now that I'm trying to connect, he's p***ed off and not willing. Round and round.
Sorry, I misunderstood. Has your H asked to go along on any of your GAL'ing? Have you told him he could join you if he wanted?
If your H is constantly angry, as you described, then the issue isn't you - yes, you probably know this. Has he ever spoken to you about how he sees himself? Does he like himself? How's his self esteem?
GIMA, these are great questions. Nope, h has not asked to go along. Of course he could join me and I've sometimes told him so - like to some parties, etc. The answer has been no lately.
I really needed to hear that the issue isn't me. Thank you. i'm starting to convince myself of that as I read more about ragaholics (yes, there is such a thing) and verbal abuse.
Once precious night over the summer he responded to a book I gave him and talked about how he has issues with power - H was teased a lot as a kid (nerd), and then he felt his mother somehow was unsympathetic. I can see how he's trying to have power over me with his anger.
I think his self esteem isn't the greatest. He has quite a superior attitude, and one of perfectionism, but I think that stems from his low self esteem. Who knows. I hope if we ever get to MC (the wonderful land of OZ) I hope hope hope we can delve into this stuff. H doesn't go there much, certainly not recently.
Well on top of receiving my sep papers soon, H getting a bigger apt., we just learned we were turned down for our house insurance. We are going in the hole fast financially.
Oh, and now it's my fault I have "lost" whatever letter the insurance company must have sent to tell us what to fix before they denied us coverage. I'm tired of being under the microscope.
Time to get away I think. H has S tomorrow night - I'm going to a friends' house.
