Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Well,

Here goes nothing (but another co-pay )

[dday101798]

Well that was interesting.

Psych starts right into "are you comfortable being here?", ummm no.

This one was just a 'background session', but none the less, those "doors" were peaked into and psych did not like what was behind them. We of course dabbled into the crappy lull of my existance thanks to my "parents" who threw me on my arse at the ripe age of 14, oh, completely forgot to mention my GF in high school who killed herself, then of course took a trip down memory lane of the last 12 years, especially the last few.

So once again I'm on 'suicide watch'. WTF? Why is it people can't deal with their own problems and not be labeled as potential dangers to themselves? I've 'endured too much traumatic experience'. Yeah, well it's called divorce. It aint supposed to be fun, anybody here have fun.

I did give a kudos moment to MWD, the book and especially the community here. I would have lost all my sanity a long time ago if wasn't for here.

None the less, she did get a bit deep on some things, and much like me, even in light of all I confessed, I did nothing to deserve where I am today. And that's pretty much the objective goal now. Since I will probably never hear the real reasons first hand from XW as to what the heck makes her think I deserved all this, we'll just have to try and figure it out.

And, as usual, psych was beside herself that after all this, I still love my X. I was beside myself when asked to describe her and nothing but all the good came flying out. Like all this has been some bad dream.

Uggh, this is going to be long road. But atleast the first steps up it have been taken. What good all of it will do? Don't know yet. I seriously don't think any good can transpire without the first hand rationale of XW.

Whole thing just makes me sick, literally. At least I was able to make all the way across campus back to my truck, got in and just snapped, cried like a little school girl. When I got in, my cousin asked if I felt any better, truth in the matter, no, I feel worse.

[mishka422]

When I got in, my cousin asked if I felt any better, truth in the matter, no, I feel worse.

Umm....yeah. Didn't I warn you about that? Yes, I think so...right here.

Trust me, it's not pretty and there will be a lot more tears before you get to the happy, but they are all worth it. Every week I walk into therapy with the determination not to cry this week. I cry every time, apologize to the therapist for my breakdown, and she reminds me that I have to let it out and crying is my medium for that.

It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile in life is easy.

I'm not sure I understand this statement though.

I seriously don't think any good can transpire without the first hand rationale of XW.

What exactly does she have to do with anything? This is not about her and why she did what she did. Not really. This is about you and your reactions to it. You are giving that woman FAR too much power over your wellbeing. STOP IT!

Ok, so deep down in a dark hole inside you still harbor love for her. Guess what? I'll bet every last person here has the same feeling. I know for a fact there is a part of me that still loves Gabe and always will, but he is not my H anymore, he destroyed our family and that can never be fixed. I love him, but only because of shared history, a mutual story, and our son. When I see him I see the misery in his eyes. It used to hurt me to see it because I knew it didn't have to be there if he would just wake up and figure out what he did to get himself in this situation. Now, the same misery is there but it no longer pains me. He's made his bed, now he gets to wallow in the filth of it!

It's good that you can tell someone the good things about your xw. But you also need to expound on the bad. Please tell me you aren't about to make her out to be some sort of saint in front of the psych. That won't do you a bit of good. None of this is getting back to your xw you know.

[mishka422]

Oh yeah, forgot to mention.....it royally blows that your parents kicked you out at such a young age. If I may ask, where did you live after that? Also, the high school gf suicide blows, but you aren't blaming yourself for not saving her are you?

Things to be worked through with the psych no doubt.

[dday101798]

No, I do not blame myself for the GF. I touched on that story here somewhere, but in a nutshell she had some serious issues with herself and pushed me away. I let her have her space and then when talking to a mutual friend I was told she decided to strol in front of a train and that was that. Her mother assured me I was one of the best things to happen to her and that's what I took with me.

As far as where did I go? Where else was there to go? I started off in streets, then got mixed in with a crowd and stayed from place to place until I weesled my way into a job and went from there. The rejection from my family was just too much at the time so I knew I couldn't call upon anybody in the regard, so I winged it all on my own. [EDIT- And that is what is amking this all so difficult is XW knows first hand how hard I had worked to build up to where I was and just take it all away from me with zero regard]

I know the therapy is not going to be, nor certainly any fun. No, I did not paint my XW the saint, nor myself. I touched on her faults and mine equally. We did not get into my personal feelings of OM too much as she can tell that is a very sour spot with me.

I don't think personally think I'm giving XW 'power over me', but maybe from outside looking in that may be so. My rationale is that this would be w whole lot easier to get past in just knowing the whys. There are more than enough stories on here, much the same as mine, where the H finally realises that he was not supportive enough, caring enough, basically down right selfish in his own self, and I certainly fit that mold. However, I did nor do desrve the way this all came out. I do not deserve to be cut out of our kids lives daily lives completely and abruptly replaced the way I have been. In the thick of it all, XW should have known the kids were always my number one priority. Especially when S12 as she blantantly puts it 'isn't even mine'. {EDIT- And yet she cast me out like some of these real piece of work "fathers" in some of these stories]

Then there's back to the issue of parents. Since I never really had any, MIL and FIL over time grew themselves into that position. And now they're gone. I have no social network as everyone I knew sided with whatever story XW conjoured up to paint me the evil one. And as I've said, anyone who can side with her after all she's done is someone I don't need in my life, period.

It's a big mess, but, I'm going to soldier through it. Biggest challange right now is making it through Saturday. Then at next weeks apointment I'm going to address how to handle the situation when I pick up the kidsa s that's the only time my emotions really get the better of me lately.

[dday101798]

Oh my,

Sooooo, there's this person of interest whom I've been quite skidish of. Long story short, IF anything were to transpire, it would most likely end up being very serious and she is A LOT like XW was in every aspect those years ago. Hence, she kind of really scares me in a way. I mean so bad that I can't make eye contact with her for more than a few seconds at a time.

Anyway, we bumped into each other in the hall an dshe starts laughing and tell me about this dream she had last night that involved my 2 sons and her daughter and us camping and fishing together an delaborates on some really funny things the kids did that I could definately see mine doing and rather funny yet embaressing mishaps that I am prone to, especially in nature. What in the world does that mean?

[karen43]

Then there's back to the issue of parents. Since I never really had any, MIL and FIL over time grew themselves into that position. And now they're gone. I have no social network as everyone I knew sided with whatever story XW conjoured up to paint me the evil one. And as I've said, anyone who can side with her after all she's done is someone I don't need in my life, period.

You have to make a new one. I think my friends here, my new church (X told me he got custody of our old church!), and my theatre friends have really helped me through this. You need to go out and find that network, maybe sports-related or whatever your interests are of course.

Mish, I'll admit it, way way deep deep down, I think I probably still have love for my X. But who he was the first 20 years, not the last 3. Who he is today is not someone I would want to date or be friends with or my kids associating with or anything like that.

D, not our fault but I think some of us here have low self-esteem or don't think maybe we deserve the best in our relationships. I think I've been guilty of that some, plus I'm a caretaker type so drawn to messed-up people. I do really want to work on that, and make sure I don't keep doing that over and over...

[NoCodeBlues]

My instincts tells me you shouldn't push it. If someone reminds you too much of your ex or how your ex once was, there's a reason for that. All too often we get involved with someone just like our former spouses -- the battlefields of are littered with the accounts of such failed R's.

Dday, given that you're still expressing some non too dispassionate sentiments about your former spouse, perhaps you need to think more along the lines of friendships with other folks, and nothing serious -- stay "casual", in other words. At least until you've gotten some more time in C'ing under your belt and can view things in your old R with more indifference. You seem to have a few too many strings tieing you to your ex for now, and the jitters you're feeling are natural.

Does that make any sense? (My two cents, LOL.)

[dday101798]

NCB,

I was I guess just journalizing that little encounter. Trust me, I know I have things to work out and thus am on a 'look no touch' basis with that one, until I feel right and the C has helped work some of those "strings" loose.

But, the similarities are suffice it to say there, and no, not not becasue 'I see her as XW'. We've knwon each other for 5 years so even when XW was still very much my W I saw the stiking similarities. It was kind of creepy having the 2 of them in the same room at times. They knew they were like each other and there was this anomosity usually spear headed by XW. Heh, now that I think about it, after their first meeeting XW said to stay away from her after I questioned what all the tension was about.

So, your two cents are taken and notion already contemplated. She had shown interest to talk more on personal levle when news of the S broke here at work. And since then, I've always said, no-way until I know I'm ok. Heck, I normally even oppose the very concept of dating a co-worker. But she is very interesting, very fun to be with, big hearted and well, I'm always was a sucker for a red-head.

No worries, as said, really just journalizing the moment it really picked me up after the whole ordeal last night with the C.

Anyway, on the issue of 'social networking', I've always sucked at it. I'm not really into sprots at al. I mean, I'll play, sure, but to sit there and watch a bunch a millionaires play a game for a living and make it a conversation topic, just isn't me. Meh, I'll have to figure something out on that front one of these days. I'd suspect the C to be recommending some type of 'meet up group' or something. We'll see.

[dday101798]

Danger Will Robinson, Danger.......

Got one (that's singular) call from S12 on my voice mail when I was leaving work today. That is NOT like him, he will blow my phone up and text like crazy until I answer. All he said was he wanted to know if I was out of work yet.

As I drove past "her house" on the way home, our, correction "her" car was out front. Must be nice to not have to work.

With 2 short days left in the countdown, I think as they say: 'business is about to pick up'.

What the heck could the possibly want now? Last year we were at least still "married" when our anniversary rolled around and there were lies surrounding it. And yet, even then, she claimed to "want to do something" but yet return "home" to OM at the end of the night? Get bent. Seriously, get school bus demolition derby bent.

Arragh, I really, really would love a beer right about now.