I for one have been following and I have to agree with rob and Puppy.
It is OK by the way, I have been in that same needy state as well, then my wife, luckily came to me and said stop trying to fix me, I have to fix myself. This was after I wrote her a note that was a light hearted, funny note that just said that I was thinking about her. That is when it really hit that my note was not a message from me caring about her, it was a note for her to hurry up and change and she called me on it. It was then I finally got it, and I thank God she communicated it with me.
Yeah, what's up? Is Rob start to get all warm and fuzzy on us?
I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm regarded as the forum "prick" around here LOL!
Hopefully I don't come off as a total hardass, I get it, my life has changed more in the past 2 years than at any other point in my life. It's been hard, still is hard but I'm more self-aware (if that even came out properly) than ever before.
I make a ton of mistakes, seriously I do. More than most people I'm sure but I've learned so much from all of this. It's unfortunate to be separated from your spouse or to get divorced, to break up, etc. But there were gifts that this process provided as well, the kind of life education that you won't soon get at any university or high school.
In conclusion, i found my nuts, I hold on to them now, they're not sitting in my wife's purse anymore, although there is more shifting required now that they're in their original home again ;-), I wouldn't have it any other way.
I went from being weak to being uber strong, I'm trying to find my middle ground - my balance or harmony if that's a better description, regardless of my marriage and it's ultimate outcome.
So am I getting warm & fuzzy, maybe or maybe I was warm & fuzzy all along, you just didn't know it yet.
As far as the post above, i think it's pretty darn accurate for most relationships, super high expectations, low acceptance of the other person. It's hard, you start fighting, you start expecting more, you forget that when you first hooked up, you weren't working on a relationship, it just happened, you had no expectations, you accepted the other person, being fun & happy came easily, you got married and things changed - having fun & being loving & caring got mixed up along with work, responsibilities, kids, money issues, bills, mortgages, etc. Date night was a regular thing before all of this and then it became the exception rather than the rule, we got married, stopped trying to impress the other person, we could relax, we're married now, hitched for life, smooth sailing, don't have to dress up anymore, don't have to impress, don't have to put the right foot forward. It's not that those things don't matter but getting in a relationship, after a few years we all relax, don't try as hard, we get fat & lazy (metaphorically speaking & physically). The relationship than seems like work, work isn't fun, I work all god damn day, when I come home I want to relax, why do I have to try so hard, why do I have to put some much effort into this, this sucks, you've changed - no you've changed, this isn't fun anymore, you better change otherwise I'll leave you, what happened to better or worse, why can't you accept me as I am - why can't YOU accept me as I am, you're supposed to love me no matter what.
Unconditional love left, replaced with conditional love, the conditions keep being added to the list, I love you BUT... started appearing more regularly, you started disliking each other, you started being uncomfortable around each other, one person wants to fix this more than the other person, you start hating each other.
Then you're both eat a big ol' bowl of $hit soup and you wonder how you got where you are right now. It's easy, just trace ALL of your steps, you'll see how you got here.
Then new people get involved, at first it's nothing big, casual conversation and then it slowly becomes more. It's new, it's exciting, there is no work involved and work isn't fun and this new person is fun.
And so on and so forth, wash rinse repeat.
After the divorce, you find yourself in the same situation a few years down the road, the only difference is you're lying next to a different warm/cold body ;-)
Hopefully I don't sound too cynical.
One thing for sure, I am way too verbose, I'm surprised my lengthy posts haven't shutdown the web server for this site LOL!
I think he nailed it too - now if only the spouses of everyone here could read it.
I sat in the hot tub last night (that's my best thinking place)and really considered my seeming needy/clingy etc. I believe it comes from not detaching properly. If I am 100% honest with myself, I can't say I have actually detached. I am trying to make it appear that I have, but not truly done so.
So...I will work on that and in combination creating more space between wife and I. While trying to be supportive and caring for my wife during her illness and other issues, my actions may come across as desparate actions to win her back. I need to find that fine line between "being there" and looking like a doormat who will do anything to win back his woman.
When I feel that I am doing all that properly, then that will be the correct time for a genuine apology - not just for the things I have done, but how they made my wife feel.
It was Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. Wife, kids and I went to her father's for dinner. We have not done that in years due to strained relations - but it went fairly well.
Wife was a little warmer to me the last couple of days. Spoke to me more and didn't feel as cold. She is still feeling ill and very stressed out at work (as usual) so even if things were "normal" she could be expected to only be so nice. But, overall she did seem friendlier.
But...then last night she did something odd. She didn't sleep naked as she has forever. I have also noticed that she seems to make an effort to keep her body covered by blanket during the night. I may be making too much of this, but considering how she feels about me sexually, maybe not. I am doing well with the detachment, so this really isn't bothering me - just noting it.
In fact, the detachment seems to be coming more naturally now. My wife has a busy work and social week planned, and I don't care. We likely won't really see each other until Sunday, and that's fine with me. I'm at the point again, where any outcome is ok with me. I just want to live my life more fully - with or without her.
My wife started hiding herself from me after the bomb, I came back with covering myself up as well. As if we do not know what their bodies look like. This is a natural thing, she thinks that she is doing you a favor by not getting you going by being nude in front of you.
By covering youself up you will confuse her, and anything to confuse their crazy thought processes is a good thing.
Yeah, what's up? Is Rob start to get all warm and fuzzy on us?
Hey......In case you don't know, Rob is one of Sandi's boys and I had to work on this "nice guy" to toughen him up! That's right, he was an origianl nice guy! But, look at him now!
(Just couldn't resist, Rob.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
