Hope Are you always available for him? If so then your plan is a good one. However if you aren't you should go. On the flip side, it is a family affair, so it might be in the family's best interest if you do go.
Originally, one of H's big complaints was that I was always gone - doing theatre at night and on weekends. H wanted me to stop and be home. I've done that. Last week he blew up at me saying he needed more space. I think I went from never being available to always being available. So I'm trying to find a balance. I also think that S needs to have family time, but of course without tension.
I was gone all weekend - literally - to give H space with FIL and S. Coming today is the first time I've spent time iwth family in a week or so.
I don't want to pressure H, but I also want to show I'm not abandoning the family, as H felt I did in the past. Sigh.
Ok, if you were invited, then go if you want to. What I'm saying is you can NOT invite yourself even if you think it is family time. If you don't want to go, then don't. But if you were invited, you want to go, go.
Yes, I didn't tell the whole boring story - we discussed doing some things as a family, and some things independently, and I have spent zero time as a family with FIL. Frankly, I don't enjoy spending time with FIL - he yells and doesn't listen - big surprise - but I am holding family time as sacred for S. It was just a discussion on which day was family day. I was not inviting myself per se.
My question about tonight also lay in that tonight is my night with S. (H has S yesterday and today) so it was clear that I wanted to be there with S.
Was the sub S and H were going to go visit the S.S. Pampanito (sub anchored at Fisherman's Wharf?) If so, it is a fun tour. Done it several times with my sons. Definitely a guy thing.
Good feedback from Stronger and the others. Not justifying H's behavior towards you but given his current condition I can see why he was snapping at you- to him, you probably came across as badgering him. When you have conversations with him about anything, try to follow a rule of "once and done". In other words, limit him having to repeat himself or having the two of you rehashing things more than once in conversations. When you are where he is at, these are the types of things that you have a low tolerance for. (Speaking from experience and I know you probably recognize.)
Another thing to keep in mind is to follow the KISS principle (Keep It Simple Stupid) in your dealings with your H. Don't make anything overly complicated. If you come to your H with a problem, try to have a couple of proposed solutions for him to consider.
Just a couple of thoughts to consider. Gotta run. I'll catch up with you later.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
BJ you are right! And I've been sizing my conversations waaaay down. I've got to get it to one sentence "once and done" is great.
I actually have been doing this alot - from one of the books I read, I learned that men prefer to not talk things to death, and women do because that is how we connect. I did really well today with keeping things KISS when we spoke. I actually feel good about today.
It rained a ton (BJ you must know this if you live in the Bay Area) so we never went to the sub. Yes, that one at fishermen's warf is the one. H gets annoyed if I propose any solutions, so I just let him decide what he wanted to do with S and FIL. H said come to the house. At first, I played with S so FIL and H could talk - and we all had dinner which went smoothly and then after a glass of wine we all were joking around and laughing at South Park jokes, etc. Stupid, but it was really good to be light and laughing. This makes being home a positive thing.
H and FIL went into SF to have dinner with BIL and H won't be here until tomorrow. The plans are up in the air depending on weather, but we agreed just to talk tomorrow. I'm keeping focused on my plans unless I"m invited.
I fail to see how asking about the plans is badgering him, however, I did see the futility in talking late at night if he wasn't in the mood or knowing what he wants. I did walk away and just go to bed and take care of myself - later he came in and invited me.
Sigh. Hard to see how we will ever get along again, let alone get back together. Still, doing way more detaching and GAL than previously.
"I fail to see how asking about the plans is badgering him, however, I did see the futility in talking late at night if he wasn't in the mood or knowing what he wants."
It was just the timing and the number of times you asked. For the WAS, once is enough. Besides they don't really care about the LBS.
Think of it this way...he currently has the power in the R. Imagine it like a big crown on his head. The key is to get that power away from him. How do you do that? By leaving him alone. But not for the sake of sulking or "giving him space". It's for you to enrich your life.
The next time you are with him, go out. Dress up. Put on makeup and just tell him you're going out. Don't have to tell him with whom or where. Just tell him 'bye. A couple of weeks of that and he's going to start questioning things.
The power then gets transferred to you. Get that control back. In terms of what you've tried, DB says to try things out for at least 2 weeks. Have you journaled anything?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I love the crown image - H really does walk around with this sense of entitlement. I am not supposed to ask, propose, suggest anything.
So be it.
I am getting it about grabbing my power back. Like I said, I'm struggling with the fact that he left BECAUSE I was going out, getting dressed up, doing my own thing, etc. I don't want to do my old behaviors.
But there is still a way to just keep busy with my own plans and not ask anything of him. If he invtes me, that is a different story. Otherwise, he needs to see I"m ok with the separation.
I forgot the thing about the 2 weeks. I felt so proud of myself that I did my own thing this weekend - and that is obviously not enough time.
Has anyone else had success with the GAL for two+ weeks?
You need to figure out what times of the day are best to speak with H. For example, my H is best after activity, like the gym or golf. I don't bother trying to talk to him at work or while he's golfing or right before bed.
