I've posted some updates on my Infidelity thread, Burt. Things couldn't be better! Separating was the best thing that ever happened to my sex life -- AND my marriage -- and we're back together 90%+ of the time now. We found a great MC, and frankly, my biggest challenge now is to learn to SLOW DOWN and not let all the good stuff happen too fast, as I do NOT want to fall back into our old, SSM patterns.
Read halfway through 5 languages,real interesting stuff, Hard to find out, what her language is. When I read I find possibilities for her throughout. Of course I will let her take the test at the end to get a better idea of what her language is.
I have also found that she seems pleased that I got the book (on my own, lol) and is actively reading it at night. I get the feeling she is impressed by the effort?
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the recommendation.
Not everyone is off-the-charts on one of the LLs, at the expense of the others. I am very high for Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, and almost zero for the other three. My wife, on the other hand, is almost dead-even across 4 of the 5 LLs.
How do you deal with a woman that is all over the board, take a little bit from each or if you only do a little of each is it like she sees it as a little or a lot in combination? Or, do you do a lot in one does she suffer from the other 3 not being there? Again thanks Pup...
I would try to address those things that ALIGN, between her list of marital complaints/things she'd like to see more of, and the Love Languages.
In other words, if she seems to score high in Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, and Quality Time (and not so much in Physical Touch and Gift Giving) . . . but one of her recent marital complaints is that you don't spend enough time with her, then I'd start with that.
One of the main concepts that Chapman tries to put forth in the LLs book is that we often make our biggest mistake by only (or at least mainly) giving our spouse love in OUR primary love language, regardless of what THEIRS is. So, if you're a "Physical Touch" guy, but your wife is "Quality Time," you maybe can't understand why she's not feelin' the loooove from you when you give her lots of hugs and kisses.
So as a "P.S." to the above, if my wife were about even in three or four of the LLs, and I didn't know which one to focus on, I'd try to pick one that aligns with a recent (or ongoing) marital complaint of hers, and I might also pick one that I DON'T NORMALLY DO VERY WELL -- that is, one that's not MY love language.
If she knows that compliments and words of affirmation don't come easily to you, and they're in fact not even IMPORTANT to you (to receive them), but they were one of her LLs? and you started doing more of them?
I'm guessing that would really make her feel loved.
As I said, my wife is about evenly split across WOA, QT, AOS and Gift Giving. Not so much physical touch (altho it's important for her to feel that we're "okay" in that regard). One of her complaints, like a lot of women's, is that I don't REALLY LISTEN to her, and that specifically I spend too much time on my computer. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch, on my laptop, a glass of shiraz at hand after a long day at work and a tough baseball practice, and I just wanted to RELAX. I'm in sales, and I have to deal with customers and co-workers all day, and then I'd just coached a bunch of 13 year old, hormone-enraged A.D.D. boys, lol.
Well, after about 30 seconds of her talking to me about her job, I could tell that the fetching Mrs. Puppy was wanting to really talk to me about this, so I SHUT MY FREAKING LAPTOP, and LAID IT ON THE FLOOR, and I turned about 45 degrees toward her, looked her in the eyes, and we continued our conversation.
Now, I probably didn't say anything any differently than I do when I have my laptop open, being the effective multi-tasker that I am. But it must have meant a lot to her, because not only did we feel VERY connected that night (and yeah, I got lucky ), but she brought this up TWO WEEKS LATER, in our MC session, as something that I did that really made her feel like she "mattered" (her word). In fact, she practically teared up when she told this to the MC.
Wow, that sounds great. I do not have a laptop with me on the couch, but I sure do have the game on, and yes tonight I have a football game to coach. I run a company and have to deal with ADD people myself on a less hormone driven level, so I also, like to veg out after a long day. SO, I want to be very aware of those moments when i can show how much I care, whatever language that is.
But it must have meant a lot to her, because not only did we feel VERY connected that night (and yeah, I got lucky 
), but she brought this up TWO WEEKS LATER, in our MC session, as something that I did that really made her feel like she "mattered" (her word). In fact, she practically teared up when she told this to the MC.