I am new to this board but I have read many posts and they seemed helpful. I am hoping that writing about what I am going through will help me.
I have been married 4 and half years to my beautiful wife. Two weeks ago she simply emailed me at work one day and said she is not happy and has not been happy for a while. She feels claustrophobic in our marriage and feels like I control her too much. She says I have taken her for granted and she has spent the last 7 years taking care of me and nobody takes care of her. These are the core complaints she has about me.
This morning we went over the finances and agreed to let her get her own checking account and she would give me the money that I need to pay the bills on paydays. She says she always felt out of touch with the money and that I controlled the purse strings. She works full time and I can understand her wanting to have her own money. Having separate checking accounts seem strange to me but I have heard it works out for other couples, so I am willing to try it if it will help her.
I told her how sorry I was for making her unhappy and for the past 2 weeks have been trying to make efforts to change and make her happy (doing more house work and trying to take care of her more). She told me that she does not believe the change will last and feels it is too little too late. She says she doesn't feel like she is in love anymore and needs time away from me to figure things out for herself.
We do not have any kids together as she cannot have children. I have older kids from a previous marriage. We do have 3 little dogs that we treat as our kids. She says she cannot decide if she wants to move to her mothers house or just have us live in separate rooms in our house. For now I have moved my stuff into the spare bedroom and bathroom.
My friends and family are telling me to giver her space and she will miss me and come back to me after she gets her head cleared and realizes what she is throwing away. I just feel lonely, sad, scared and depressed. I want her back to being my loving wife again and let me prove to her that I can make her happy.
I am sure I left out things but maybe I can post more later.
Sounds similar to what I am going through right now. One thing I can suggest that I didnt do from the beginning, dont make her think you are so needy. Dont contact her to often, dont plead to her about working things out, dont keep telling her you love her. I did all of these things the first 2 weeks my wife moved out and I may have pushed her to far back where she is never coming back. I started reading DR book last week, I am more than halfway through it. I suggest you pickup a copy, it has some great info in it. My W and I also dont have children, so thats a big plus if we do end up getting a divorce. I love my wife dearly and hope that giving her space, she will eventually realize that what we had was good and the past year shouldnt throw 9 years of marriage away. BTW, my wife said that after 3 days of moving out, she realized she didnt want to make the marriage work. I think she got a taste of independent life. I still have hope she may miss me and come back.
Good luck.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
I really hope your wife changes her mind I know what you are going through. I made all the mistakes too. I am going to the bookstore today to get the book. I think my wife does want some independence as well but I am hoping she will figure out how to do that and stay married to me.
I want her back to being my loving wife again and let me prove to her that I can make her happy.
LHSM,
This is a tough lesson to learn (I know -- I was (and still am) a lot like you), but you cannot "make" ANYONE happy. They have to make themselves happy.
Have you read anything about co-dependency and enmeshment? Just reading this one post, and seeing what you selected as your username, I'm thinking this may benefit you more than anything.
Are you sure there's no one else? Her words sure fit the script.
LHSM - sorry that you have joined us here but you will get some good advice. Hang on to your breeches though as I have a positive and a negative for you. First, the negative:
Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch
This morning we went over the finances and agreed to let her get her own checking account.
Having separate checking accounts seem strange to me but I have heard it works out for other couples, so I am willing to try it if it will help her.
Why on earth in the 21st Century do you have to "agree" to her getting her own checking account? This is outdated, unreasonable and (as far as I see it) controlling behaviour!! It's like something out of the Flintstones. Sorry man but it is perfectly normal in the world in which I live for both partners to have accounts of their own, if that's what they want - a joint one too of course for the bills etc. but PLEASE give her some independence on this ... she works full time, that means she has her own wage. Definitely let her get that account - in fact, go open it TODAY!!
I'm really sorry if those words seem harsh - they are not meant to hurt but just give a female perspective. Now, an apology again as I am rushing out the door to work. However, I thought that you may benefit from my bank of quotes, which I have been building from the board for several months now. When I lose it completely, I go back to these quotes and it helps. Please change the gender to suit your situation, of course! There is a lot of reading here, but a whole lot of wisdom. Good luck!
H is viewing through the lense of someone who has already decided to leave and is looking for evidence to back that decision up. He only sees the bad right now.
STOP REACTING. If you do react, WAH is STILL WINNING. Stop it NOW.
It's not up to you to meet all of their needs. Rather, your job is to love this person, honor, and respect them. You're not their parent or problem-solver.
When you have interaction with your H, be interested, but don't pursue him.
Know that it is a long row to hoe.
Detach, until he feels you are gone. That is what will "shake things up"
Detachment is a choice. Detachment can be faked (and should be if necessary) Detachment has more to do with the WS's perception than it does with your own feelings of being detached. Doesn't matter as much whether you "feel" you are detached as long as the WS perceives that you are.
I can't do XYZ - already have plans - maybe another time?
If you choose ow then so be it. I am fine without you and as a matter of fact, I think it's for the best (me dumping him)
Firm, strong, confident, resolved
This is your mess, you need to clean it up. My patience won't last forever
I've worked for my marriage - changed attitudes, beliefs ME. I have invested time energy and focus.
Short, blunt, mysterious
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Finding peace in oneself makes us whole. We can't successfully live with another if we can't live by ourselves. We can't successfully love another if we can't love ourselves. The point isn't whether D is right its that you'll be happy, healthy and strong no matter which path your marriage ultimately follows.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Why on earth in the 21st Century do you have to "agree" to her getting her own checking account? This is outdated, unreasonable and (as far as I see it) controlling behaviour!! It's like something out of the Flintstones. Sorry man but it is perfectly normal in the world in which I live for both partners to have accounts of their own,
I agree with you EN. I was just raised differently as so was she. When we got married we got a joint account because that just seemed like the normal thing to do for both of us. Now I can see how she can feel controlled by the finances if I am paying the bills and she does not have the freedom to go spend money when she wants to. I wish I would have done this with her a long time ago, it just never occurred to me.
Are you sure there's no one else? Her words sure fit the script.
Puppy
I am pretty darn sure about that at this point. She is just not that type of person. I could be wrong but I don't think so.
That's fine, so long as you are careful and you're basing it on something OBJECTIVE, and not that part I have highlighted in red above. Cuz we've ALL said that -- famous last words!
And if she IS involved with anyone, now would NOT be the time to be giving her MORE control over the family's finances. In fact, it would be time to be protecting yourself financially.
