Ali, it really seems like your new R with bf is so much healthier. You're talking things through and helping each move past your hurts and issues. Bravo! It must feel wonderful to know that you can have that trust with him.
Keep posting your progress. I'm sure it's helping some people here who are teetering on the edge.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
SPECIAL thanks to you for posting about your convo with BF and asking him about what led him to take the chance to try reconciling with you!!!! I and, no doubt, many others appreciate that a LOT. It is interesting that it really boiled down to the link that existed between you and him ----- that you kept the path home smooth and inviting. Both you and 25yearsmlc have posted about how important this is and I am trying to remember this. Although feedback you got from mutual friends and family about BF's situation helped to give you hope to keep going, it doesn't sound as though any of their input really impacted his decision.
On Jody's advice I am penning a letter to send to my H about 2 weeks before Dday. Would you please be willing to give me feedback on it? I hope to post a draft of it to my thread within a couple days. Your experience and positive spirit would be very much appreciated.
Hey Mish! Yes, I agree, its amazing but we do seem to have an even better relationship than before. When he got upset on Sunday he even said, thats not fair though, just because I find it difficult to talk about this because I hurt you so badly and it makes me feel bad, thats selfish. You shouldnt worry about upsetting me, you should be able to say whatever you want and feel. But luckily for him, I go easy on him !
Michelle.. nice to see you back, where have you been?? I hope all is well with you (and RT?). Yeah, we really try and have fun nowadays and also, when we do talk, I am concious to keep it short (1 hour max) and then I say..ok, thanks for talking to me about this..hey, lets go get lunch out...or something, change the subject/mood. I think the books say to do that. You've got to balance it out with new memories and fun.
GAG.. you're welcome! Keeping the path home smooth was vital, yes. I remember posting alot about how our extended friends and family were vital to my DBing. It kept me informed and yes, hope alive and also, he got to see me amongst our friends (good DBing opportunities!) and knew I was still in contact with everyone that had been a part of our shared life. So there was no bitterness, or awkwardness or any factor that might deter him from coming back, IF he wanted to. The biggest factor was of course, he still loved me and wasnt done, although it did take him a long time to realise that. I asked him, what would he have done if I had met someone else in the interim, whilst he was working out what he felt/wanted, would he have left me to it and never said anything? He said no, he doesnt think he would have, because it took him so long to work out what he really wanted, once he had, he knew, so no, he would have still tried to get me back. I was quite surprised at that, but I believe him.
And you are correct.. I asked him on Sunday if he spoke to anyone once he started to want me back and pull himself together and make decisions and he said not. His friends had nothing to do with his decision to come back, that was done by purely internal dialogue. But I very much took a consistent approach to him. Early on a poster told me somethning different to everyone else (I thikn it was Appleroad).. she said, men in MLC or depression are different to those that left because of an A at work, you need to do a more tailored DBing and not follow it.. you have to treat them with full love and ACCEPTANCE and be consistent.. always be there, dont reject any contact from them at all, or turn down invitations (which Jody advised me to). I never did, never once. It seems that was very important to him, that he knew I was still there for him.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Talking of DBing and the advice to GAL and act as if you're moving forward with your life to pique their interest..I also said to him that my Mum was sure that he started to sit up and take notice and act to get me back once he found out I was going out more, specifically when he heard about that party I went to with 3 guys and Cher and got in at 7am..that it galvanised him in case he lost me. I said to him, but I didnt think so.. he agreed, no, that had nothing to do with it.. I remember just feeling really glad you were getting out and enjoying yourself (like in a sweet voice, like he was just glad at the time I was doing ok and having fun). I told him I wasnt really, I was trying, but it all felt a bit empty and shallow and I was much more content now than at that time and he looked a bit relieved at that. I asked him if he thinks I SHOULD have dated whilst I was waiting for him to come to his decision to come back, would he have minded now. He said, well, selfishly, I am glad you didnt and I would mind, but I wouldnt have blamed you if you had started to see someone else, I'm sure you got offers.
In fact, I didnt really! Only from my married BMF and two immature 24 year olds who were after a one night stand !!! But I didnt tell him that, hey, its ok to keep some things back
The point I'm trying to make is, yes, DBing works.. it teaches us to be more accepting, to listen and to wait, to give them the benefit of the doubt that they just need to process their own emotions and that can take a long time (years not months)...to not knee jerk, cut all their clothes up, rush to the D courts or take a new bf to heal the hurt. Also, in the meantime, to rediscover yourself, work on any issues of your own, get your hobbies/life back and use the time to grow.
He did also say, there were things about our R that were making him unhappy and instead of talking to me and dealing with it, he stupidly didnt and just went in on himself and eventually snapped. He said this was wrong but partly to do with his depression and negative frame of mind, that he 'gave up'. I was too strong in the R and didnt listen to his opinion enough and also, me getting ill ALL the time and this dominating our life and me turning down invitations and him going out alone, led him to feel like a single man and it "ground him down". So theres never one reason why they leave and I accept that I was a PITA for a few years there, in some respects, but yes, he should have tried to talk to me instead of silently brooding and withdrawing.
But I firmly believe and he seems to agree, his decision to come back wasnt really to do with anything I did as such (except the key DB principle that I was still THERE, lovingly waiting and not done with him either)..but it was purely a very slow, as he said, internal process in himself, to work through his bereavement, MLC, depression, whatever and come round full circle.. back to what he knew he wanted all along. And yes that takes a few years in all and he's still recovering and a bit fragile at times, but its definetly behind us now. And I did use the time to work on my issues (14 months of C with three different therapists!!) and I am a better person for that I hope.
... I very much took a consistent approach to him. Early on a poster told me somethning different to everyone else (I thikn it was Appleroad).. she said, men in MLC or depression are different to those that left because of an A at work, you need to do a more tailored DBing and not follow it.. you have to treat them with full love and ACCEPTANCE and be consistent.. always be there, dont reject any contact from them at all, or turn down invitations (which Jody advised me to). I never did, never once. It seems that was very important to him, that he knew I was still there for him.
Ali, thank you SO much for all of this feedback. I will go back and read this many times. There is a lot of info here. On first read the big thing that caught my eye was the quote above. At this point I'm wondering if I should be initiating e-mails more (I have backed off a bit since the 1 year anniversary of the bomb 4 weeks ago, waiting for him to initiate) or should I just respond to e-mails that H initiates. I'll look for your reply. I took MIL to the dog park 1 week ago and he e-mailed me last night that even though she has Alzheimers Disease, she has been talking about how much she enjoyed the dog park and how she was kissed by a dog (he stuck his sandy little tongue in her mouth --- it was pretty funny!)
I am doing well! One reason I haven't been posting I suppose lol. Still NC with STBXH, D will be finalized about the 26th of this month. Still talking to my in laws, strangely enough lol.
Things with RB are good.
Life goes on I guess.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Hey Michelle, I'm glad to hear it. I think I ought to stop posting too soon, I feel like I may have outstayed my welcome I wanted to help if I can, but every sitch is different, after all.
Yeah, I post to a few newcomers occasionally, try and keep up with the group, but other than that, not doing much with this forum. I guess I've outgrown it in a lot of ways.
I learned a lot. And I'm getting the chance to apply it in a new R. Unfortunately not with STBXH since he is still not interested in R, at least last time we talked months ago. *shrugs* But I have learned and grown. And I am definitely a better person for all my experiences.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
