Sorry, we're closed. Under new management.

[faithisbelieving]

Hi All: I follow the path of Jeff223, DonH, ford, AV8R and others here at DB who tried valiantly to save their M's. The only difference is that....I filed. I was bombed in May '06; joined here July '06; fought hard for almost 2 years before filing in 12/07 for lack of trust and continued excursions outside of our marriage while we still lived under the same roof. Dealbreakers. Ironically, we still do. For only a few weeks more, I am married to a complete stranger..someone I don't know anymore.

This will be my last thread, and, I will now post in the divorced column. Thanks to all those here who have supported me for over 3 years. I hope to post only the factual experiences of the last few months (?weeks) of my marriage. I am not looking to be told how great a father I am..nor how great a husband I was or (ahem) am. I do not need to hear adjectives about my STBXW wife nor do I post things here to demonize her. It's simple:

And that's the way it is.

For thought:

But that is the beginning of a new story—the story of the gradual renewal of a man, the story of his gradual regeneration, of his passing from one world into another, of his initiation into a new unknown life. That might be the subject of a new story, but our present story is ended. –Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

Red: I find I’m so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.—The Shawshank Redemption

Lester Burnham: I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time… For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars… And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street… Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper… And the first time I saw my cousin Tony’s brand new Firebird… And Janie… And Janie… And… Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.[i]—American Beauty (d. Mendes, 1999)

Blessings to all of you, especially to those who were able keep their families whole.

FIB
Strength....and honor.

[smith18]

Hey Frank,

I will take a Roy Rogers. Hope you have a good virtual supply of other liquor for the other folks in this forum.

[faithisbelieving]

My dad used to take me to Roy's and a place called Neba's.

Kerry...pass the horsey sauce.

FIB

[dl443322]

FIB, my friend. I will not rehash all the things I know I have told you over the years. You know how I feel about you.

But I will say this, I am honored to know you. I am grateful that you have shown me that there are still men in this world with integrity, honor, and strength.

You will be ok, FIB. I know it. Your success is not measured by whether you saved you marriage, but, in how you walked this journey. You have done it well.

I wish for you peace. I wish you many wonderful, fun filled days with your children. I wish that you realize how special you are and that you matter.

See you on the flip side with donuts in hand.

[Silent Chrleader]

I second BM's words, FIB!!!

You, and other men like you on these boards, have helped me immeasurably to remember that there are men out there who are not afraid to show their heart.

And, really......I'll go out on a limb and be honest here.....to know that there is a man of your heart and character and you're a surgeon to boot!!..... Well, lets just say that it even makes a heathen like myself think that maybe there is a God out there somewhere!

Now if I can only find one of you on this side of the country!!!

((((((HUGS))))))

[cat03]

hey FIB, you've gone to great lenghts to try to save your M. Now this new journey is a new chance for you, to be happy and free.

[Kalni]

Give me a Jack, or am I too late?

Dont have anything to add to what others already posted.
xxx
K

[faithisbelieving]

Thanks. Great women here too.

After being here for three years....listening to many great men and women here....reading many books...and having 1 or 2 professional 'male gurus', I believe in the following:

Not all marriages CAN or SHOULD be saved. No doubt tho' that ALL people should TRY. The length of time devoted to this varies and is dependent on the individual. This forum, like an isotope, has a rate of decay. It is strongest at the beginning and slowly but surely loses it's efficacy as time goes on. This forum potentially can cause great harm by drastically deviating from MIchelle's book by:

• condoning bad behavior in our WAS by not defining borders (one poster encouraged a woman to greet her husband in sexy clothes with a hot cooked meal and flirt with him after he was AWOL for 4+ days)
• suggesting you to be a loser if you file for divorce
• losing support if you DO file
• recommending behavior that is conducive to enabling the WAS to continue an affair
• supporting a person in denial

Certainly, I am a fortunate man for having found this place. I have learned much. I have gained much. I have changed much.

My greatest pain still is that the stories continue to be posted here and all as if they were poured from the same mold:

-two people meet and they propose their undying love for each other
-the attraction wanes and one or both stray off track
-someone get's their buttons pushed by an OP
-the LBS realizes where they strayed; the WAS uses anger and paints the LBS as something darker than they really were to support their reasons for the destructive path they chose (cognitive dissonance)
-frequently the LBS spouse turns doormat, dumpee, non boundary enforcer in an attempt to save a horribly sick marriage out of fear of the unknown and lack of self-esteem

We all know the rest of the story. The people who arrive here are usually 'worst-case scenarios'. Afterall, the reason they found this place was their that world had collapsed on them.

And then, there are those few 5% who find themselves in the piecing column. They are our heros. But....without mentioning names, in the last 4 weeks I've found 3 'piecers' posting back here with problems again.

Piecing...is not easy..and frequently, are really only band-aids because the REAL work hasn't been done.

Gawd, I pray for all here to find the happiness that they thought they had when they walked down the aisle years ago. I pray that they will find trust again in a friend...or GF/BF...or, perhaps even with a new spouse should their M not make it.

It's a lesson....not a failure. You know you've made it when you can say that and believe it.

FIB

[Silent Chrleader]

Very well said, FIB!! And so very true!!

(((((hugs)))))

[25yearsmlc]

Frank,

((( ))). I have learned from you, on this board, and beyond. I love your comment about this being "a lesson and not a failure". Even if my m had ended, after decades, would it ALL have been "wrong"? I think not. IF we were getting "graded" we could have straight A's and then "flunk" or just a few "Ds" at the last semester (or have our spouses cheat on a few tests) and poof...is it ALL gone? I don't know the answer to that one, but many here have to face that question and you're so right, THAT is when the real work begins. Coming home is one thing; staying is another.

I think I'm a better wife b/c of you. Nope, Doesn't mean things will stay smooth, or even last forever. But for now I am a better wife. Thanks for that.

Um, so you know, I worked at Roy Rogers with my actress/sister our first year of college. We wore a cowboy hat and "prairie blouses" and boots, and had to say "Is this for here or out on the range?" and "Happy trails Partner!", etc. The only way to work there and not get worn out or embarrassed is to just go for it, ignore the silliness and embrace going over the top fully committed -to ENJOY the hilarity of it all....hmm, not bad preparation for life and M...

I'll look for you over in the other place and hope you can get a date for all this to end sometime soon...

(( Hugs )) to you FIB, and thanks so much for all the help & advice.

My h will may never know what a friend you have been to him...but I know, and I thank you-
your friend,
(( j- ))