So pleased for you Dia, you have finally got your man! Think I need to reread your thread as Im sorta stuck at the moment, reeled mine in then he then got panicky and Im not sure how to handle it, so if you get a minute some advice over on my thread would be much appreciated. Just enjoy this bit now even though I agree its where the hard work starts!
Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 10/10/0907:22 AM.
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Let me add my congrats and well wishes, Dia. Very happy to see the vast progress you've made.
You're right. Reconciling is not going to be a bed of roses. But you've come so far, and I hope you'll continue to share your experiences.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Many, many thanks for the continued stream of good wishes. Today we have a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly.
The Good - Friday night we went to a fundraiser dinner for kidlet's school. The dinner was at the home of a classmate and we had a great time. We got to sit and chat with the hosts an other parents, and the kids had an awesom time running all over the property, swinging on a big tree swing, waving glowsticks around in the dark and generally being kids.
Saturday was spent at a fall festival in the local downtown. We met up with the D's, walked all over, sampled treats at many of the locations, did wine tasting, let the kids have ice cream and jump in bounce houses, etc. After the festival, H and his best pal from childhood wanted to go to a local brew pub. I said fine, have a great time but it ended up with all four of us going. And we had a great time there, too. The pal came back to the house, and H, pal, and kidlet all played video games together.
Now for the stickier stuff - H broke up with OW today. I suppose that falls under 'Good.' He said she was taking it well, so he'd see how the next week or two progressed. With all of the activities Fri. Night and Sat., I haven't had a chance to discuss my feeling on contact between them yet. I'm going to give it a little time, 2-3 weeks or so, out of respect for the fact that this was pretty much a 'real' relationship started when everyone thought D was a certainty and lasted a good year and a half.
H is bearing up well, though I can see the strain (especially in light of what I'll get to under "Ugly"). Not knowing this was all going down today, I made a bacon and apple corn pudding for breakfast, then turned around and used the drippings in the skillet to start a pork and sweet potato stew from Emeril. Once I found out what was going on, I told H I would be there in whatever way he needed me, whether it was hugs and comfort, or just to give him space. Initially, he asked for space but he was coming to me to hug me half an hour later.
Now for the ugly...
Apparently this all started when MIL called. She wanted to come up here to visit and until now, I guess folks had just kept quiet that I was still here. So H had to tell her, and he told her that we are 'going to spend the next several months together and see how things go.' H thought this approach was a better way to break the news than to say, "We've reconciled. Deal with it."
MIL is not pleased, to say the least. She wants nothing to do with me, will not speak to me, will not acknowledge me as family and told H that she may ask us to move out of the house. H also expects from earlier conversations (albeit more than a year ago) that he will be disinherited, with everything going to his sister.
So, H is having to deal with a whole lot of suckage right now. On the bright side, that he chose me while knowing all of that says a fair piece about his committment to me.
I will take care of him as best I can. The bit about possibly having to move is a blow to him as he is very attached to this house. Additionally, this house is the inheritance he may be losing.
I am expecting that FIL and SIL will work on MIL, but MIL has a long and glorious history of holding grudges.
So... I'm pretty good on taking care of H while all of this is going on, but anybody got suggestions on how to handle the MIL?
H says to wait it out, to do nothing at present. I've indicated my willingness to attempt to repair the relationship with her, but he says to do nothing for now. Anything I did would be seen as manipulative. Of course, he also admits that doing nothing could easily be thrown at me later, but for the moment, he says it's the best course.
Last edited by Dia; 10/11/0911:06 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I hope he understands that, given her ability to apparently hold a personal grudge in the face of the fact that her son is reconciling with the mother of his child .... if it wasn't you, sooner or later OW would do something to piss her off and get exactly the same treatment. This kind of reaction -- eviction, disinheriting -- is something I *might* expect if you were a full-blown abusive psycho bitch from hell. For it to happen under any other circumstances smacks of serious dysfunction and control issues on *her* end.
There is a lot getting thrown at him at once. But ultimately, if he can't deliver the message, "We're reconciled. Deal with it", you have great big problems remaining. However, there's nothing that says you have to insist he handle it any certain way at this exact moment.
Do you feel comfortable letting him call the tune on how you interface with his mother right now?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Well, that is tough. But she had to be told at some point. And she probably will get used to the idea. Christmas is coming, so you will have an opportunity to give a gift. Since she didn't say, "move out now!" she most likely won't say it. I would think the time of her most passionate anger would be now.
Here's the recipe for the stew. Leave the cayenne out of the essence if you don't like hot. Also, I use reg. sweet potatoes, chicken or beef stock instead of veal, and I omit the brunoise pepper.
So after all of that today, I find myself needing reassurance. That maybe H will decide I'm not worth all this trouble. I don't want to add a needy wife on top of his already sucky day tho, so I'm telling myself over and over to look at his ACTIONS today and let them speak for him.
1) He told his mother we were working things out. And even despite her controlling tantrum,...
2) He broke up with OW.
3) He then called the rest of his family and a few friends to tell *them* we were working things out as well. (Small town, rumor management.)
At any point in that, he could have turned to me and said, "Actually, this isn't going to work for me. Go find yourself a place." But he didn't.
Last edited by Dia; 10/11/0911:35 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
my 2 cents is to stay comletely out of the MIL thing. That's a person who isn't going to be reasonable. As Kettricken wisely said, (and I'm paraphrasing), it ain't about you. So anything you do will be used against you, and that will probably include doing nothing, but doing nothing is the best route when dealing with a controlling toxic parent.
That's a big ole "damned if you do/damned if you don't"...so why put yourself through it and have any drama. Let H handle it. It's probably an empty threat about the house anyway. Staying cool will just make her look like more of an hysterical idiot anyway.
