Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Wow, talked with my mom a little last night about my situation. Didn't give any details like I discuss here, just the general situation. It's one thing to think about me reconciling with my W, but I am reeling at the thought of trying to reconcile her back into my family. The damage is so severe. They all hate her so much. Sometimes I wish they didn't know, but I couldn't have gotten through this without their support, I had to bring them in. Now I find myself defending my W to them, trying to get them to understand my role in what happened, and how I was not the great H they hold me up as. They just see her as a villain.
Does anyone here have any experience or advice about how to integrate an unfaithful spouse back into their extended family?
But I did the same damage in my family towards my W by telling them what was going on as I to needed someone for support. My W is not interested in having anything to do with my family now either.
I will be checking up on your thread to see if anyone can give you good advice.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Wow, talked with my mom a little last night about my situation. Didn't give any details like I discuss here, just the general situation. It's one thing to think about me reconciling with my W, but I am reeling at the thought of trying to reconcile her back into my family. The damage is so severe. They all hate her so much. Sometimes I wish they didn't know, but I couldn't have gotten through this without their support, I had to bring them in. Now I find myself defending my W to them, trying to get them to understand my role in what happened, and how I was not the great H they hold me up as. They just see her as a villain.
Does anyone here have any experience or advice about how to integrate an unfaithful spouse back into their extended family?
Future, at the point that question truly "matters", the only one you have to answer to is yourself and whetehr or not you can accept/integrate her back into your life. If/when the answer becomes "yes", then it's almost irrelevant what they think. There's no reason you can't explain the "facts" to them as you have on this board. Your reasons are "real". IMO, your extended family have taken and will take their cues from you, if they don't, that's their problem, not yours.
Last edited by AlexEN; 10/09/0909:54 PM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Future, at the point that question truly "matters", the only one you have to answer to is yourself and whetehr or not you can accept/integrate her back into your life. If/when the answer becomes "yes", then it's almost irrelevant what they think. There's no reason you can't explain the "facts" to them as you have on this board. Your reasons are "real". IMO, your extended family have taken and will take their cues from you, if they don't, that's their problem, not yours.
I guess your right AlexEN, the thought of us sitting around my parents dinner table at some future holiday is not pleasant, but if we are truly reconciled, and if we are acting happy and in love with each other, then my family should come around.
Just today we were at my son's basketball game, and after the game my W asked if we all wanted to go out to lunch together. I took cues from my parents and quickly made an excuse to say no thanks. She looked a little hurt. She really doesn't get how much damage she's done. She thinks because her and I are on reasonably good term that my parents will just forgive and forget. Not gonna happen any time soon.
I guess your right AlexEN, the thought of us sitting around my parents dinner table at some future holiday is not pleasant, but if we are truly reconciled, and if we are acting happy and in love with each other, then my family should come around.
I have seen this from both sides on that dinner table in my family. If you reconcile, you must support your W above your parents. What I mean is, put her concerns and wishes first. If she does not desire to go to dinner at your parent's home, don't push it simply b/c that is something you wish to do and think everything will be fine. I was that W the second year of my M and my H promised to be by my side and he thought everything would be ok. But what he didn't know was how I was treated when he wasn't paying any attention. It hurt to think that he was such a "mama's boy" that I was put in that position of sucking it up and enduring what I had to.
Then many years later, I was the parent. So, I know how badly it hurts to have an adult child who has been cheated on by their S. Don't expect your mom to be thrilled at you reconcilling with your W. Your mom is not in love with her, like you are. It is often harder to forgive those who hurt our childdren then those who hurt "us". Just don't rush thei R and give it much time to heal before you have any dinner plans.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
They had a pretty good relationship before. Not super close, but good, at least until the last couple years when she started being a WAW and treating me like crap.
My relationship with them is quite good, even better after all this happened, as I needed them so much. They live pretty far away though, so there is a natural buffer.
mmm...so she had a decent relationship with them while you were still treating her like crap? But not after she got tired of it. Sorry to 2x4 you, but you seem to be backsliding into blame, and away from the sentiments you originally expressed about realizing why thinks went the way they did.
I would be careful about using your parents for support. I think MWD talks a lot about this in her books, about how family are not always helpful because they can't separate their feelings from what may actually be best for you.
I realize it's very painful to see your child hurt this way...but I think it's a bit immature and curious that they are ignoring your comments that "you weren't as perfect" as they are holding you up to be. Do your parents kind of have a fantasy view of this situation? Would it be typical of them to say it's all the other guy's fault? Because that won't be helpful in the long run.
Reconciling and blame can't coexist.
I just ask this, just wondering, because I've watched my aunt sabotage her son's relationship more than once, because she "loves" him so much. But she really just can't stand to admit her kid could have done anything wrong. That might not be your case at all though. Just curious. Something about you "reading their cues" and going along with them.
Perhaps you should just sit down with them and say, look, this could come up again, and what is your opinion on how it could be handled. Because how it affects the KIDS is more important than how it affects your parents.
mmm...so she had a decent relationship with them while you were still treating her like crap? But not after she got tired of it. Sorry to 2x4 you, but you seem to be backsliding into blame, and away from the sentiments you originally expressed about realizing why thinks went the way they did.
I was portraying how my parents saw her. I was on my best behavior around others, so my parents never really saw how I was. From their point of view, they just saw my W slowly turn against me, and start to be selfish and treat me poorly. And of course they are very biased towards me, so they assumed anything bad they saw or heard about me was exaggerated. Even now I try to convince them of how I was, and they won't accept it. They just think I'm trying to take the heat off my W.
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I would be careful about using your parents for support. I think MWD talks a lot about this in her books, about how family are not always helpful because they can't separate their feelings from what may actually be best for you.
I think getting support from them is ok, but I know they are not the best sources of advice. They'd be happy if they never saw my W again.
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realize it's very painful to see your child hurt this way...but I think it's a bit immature and curious that they are ignoring your comments that "you weren't as perfect" as they are holding you up to be. Do your parents kind of have a fantasy view of this situation? Would it be typical of them to say it's all the other guy's fault? Because that won't be helpful in the long run.
Reconciling and blame can't coexist.
I just ask this, just wondering, because I've watched my aunt sabotage her son's relationship more than once, because she "loves" him so much. But she really just can't stand to admit her kid could have done anything wrong. That might not be your case at all though. Just curious. Something about you "reading their cues" and going along with them.
Perhaps you should just sit down with them and say, look, this could come up again, and what is your opinion on how it could be handled. Because how it affects the KIDS is more important than how it affects your parents.
It's not immaturity really, it's that they come from a different era. They know I provided for my family well, and I was trustworthy and faithful. They consider these emotional needs of my W to be hogwash to some degree. Both my parents grew up very poor, so they think she should have been grateful for what she had and stopped complaining about what she didn't have. And also, I wasn't really abusive, just crabby and negative and generally miserable. As my M got worse, my parents somewhat blamed my moods on my W for not supporting me more. In reality, she had just had it with my bad moods and didn't want to deal any more.
I won't let my parents opinion sway me from what I know I want, and what I know is best for me and my family. If the time comes, I will sit down with them and lay it all out.
