I highly doubt that your STBXW would be able to get you thrown out of the house now. She had left on her own choice and I doubt any court would change the status quo on that.
If you really believe that D14 is suffering emotionally and mentally living with her new age spiritual crack pot mother and loser sex partner, then you need to decide whether it is better that D14 lives full time in a more stable environment with you.
My brother got divorced when his son was 2. Both parents had alcohol problems, but the court still awarded custody to the mother since my brother worked full time. It was not until his son was 14 that the battles and emotional torment he endured with his angry and drug/alcohol addicted mother came to an end. His mother had hit him and he hit back.
My brother then tried to obtain full custody. They went to a see a court appointed counselor so as to determine what was best for his son. His son talked first with the counselor (female). Then brother talked with the counselor. Then my brother and son talked together. Then his X wife talked with the counselor. She threatened to kick the counselors ass if she did not recommend custody for her. The mother / son talk with the counselor never happened. The next thing that happened was that my brother, his X and the counselor (with an armed guard) were taken in front of the judge who ruled for full custody for my brother.
My nephew had a stable and great life with my brother before joining the US Air Force a few years ago and he recently go married. My brother is in a happy long term marriage. My brothers X wife kept her anger and addictions. She was found dead in a motel from apparent suicide a few months ago while trying to escape (after embezzeling from her employer) into Canada and being denied.
Pick your battles carefully, but since this now seems that an adolescent is suffering, I think you might need to get some more personal legal advice than what you and your STBXW are currently negotiating.
If you really believe that D14 is suffering emotionally and mentally living with her new age spiritual crack pot mother and loser sex partner, then you need to decide whether it is better that D14 lives full time in a more stable environment with you.
I think that she hates living there only when OM is around, or when, as D14 puts it, STBX is whiny.
Lately she has been spending more time here with me, but sleeps at the condo at her mothers request. She had also told me that OM is around a lot less when she is there because STBX knows that D14 doesn't like him.
Something is changing with STBX. In August she was 'happy' with OM, went to visit her mom with OM and told her how happy she was not to be with me.
Yesterday she tells me she misses our dog because she is lonely when she is at the condo alone. That's surprising because she was 'happy' and I would think she would have OM over so she wouldn't feel so lonely. D14 tells me that STBX has been telling her the same thing. And that she's been depressed.
Well, letting go isn't easy. When I saw how sad she was yesterday I wanted to tell her to come home. But we don't get to do that. We get to be divorced.
Today I am feeling better. I realize when I see her down I get angry that our life has gone down this path. But I also realize that it has to go this way.
She cannot and should not come home until you are you Frank.
You get angry that your life has gone down this path when she is down, you get angry that your life has gone down this path when when she is up, you get angry that your life has gone down this path when she is angry.
If she came back would you guys get better?
I don't think so...but then they are not my shoes.
You don't like the path, understandable, change your perspective, or chart your own course, stop being a stick in the river and pis sed off at the river.
The dog issue...
If you are really not attached to Skylar...why do you have him/her? Is it the connection, is it like the reason people don't change a room and keep it as a shrine to a lost loved one?
If you want D14 at your home why isn't she?
You aren't going to 'please' your wife into coming back...and everytime you try to 'please' her its like...I dunno man...like your trying to accommodate her at cost to yourself...you lose something in yourself, and I cannot put my finger on it. Respect, diginity, esteem...and that lost part fills up with despair, anger, hurt.
Cycle...break it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
She cannot and should not come home until you are you Frank.
Agreed, besides she wants the divorce.
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If she came back would you guys get better?
I don't think so...but then they are not my shoes.
Probably not. Not right now anyway.
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You don't like the path, understandable, change your perspective, or chart your own course, stop being a stick in the river and pis sed off at the river.
I've been doing that Jack.
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If you are really not attached to Skylar...why do you have him/her? Is it the connection, is it like the reason people don't change a room and keep it as a shrine to a lost loved one?
I didn't say I wasn't attached to him, I said that I got him for them. He's a lovable guy and sleeps in the bedroom with me every night.
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If you want D14 at your home why isn't she?
Well, all I can do is tell you what D18 has said to me. That D14 doesn't want her mom to be alone so she thinks one kid should live with each of us. D14 is very sensitive to others feelings.
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You aren't going to 'please' your wife into coming back...and everytime you try to 'please' her its like...I dunno man...like your trying to accommodate her at cost to yourself...you lose something in yourself, and I cannot put my finger on it. Respect, diginity, esteem...and that lost part fills up with despair, anger, hurt.
I'm learning that lesson. As I said in a previous post, I don't talk to her if I can help it. I don't take her calls but instead let her leave a message.
Here's another '180'. Yesterday she told me her computer was broken so she couldn't get her e-mail any more and I should call her if I need to tell her something. I did NOT offer to fix it. She didn't ask either.
Fair enough. He's my buddy right now but I don't mind if he spends time with STBXW. I do miss him when he's gone.
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Your D14 doesn't want her mom to be alone, so she stays there, but:
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3) D14 talks to me in TEARS about this situation she lives in. How she doesn't want to be around her because of her emotional mood swings
Your D14, is an amazing kid, but is breaking down trying to be a pleaser...Too much for a 14 year old...too much for anyone.
You're a pleaser too. She is taking after you. Pleasing others isn't a bad thing...as long as it doesn't come at continual cost to yourself.
Yeah, and just be be sure, she only has these tearful talks maybe once a week or so. It's not constant.
Lately I have done everything I can not to 'please' STBX. So she has been pushing the divorce, and this weekend I'll have all my paperwork done so it can go forward. Maybe by the end of October, heck, maybe on my birthday (29th) or Halloween.
I'll have all my financial declarations ready today. STBX sent me an e-mail asking if I'll have it done before she goes away on the 20th. Of course I will, I promised her she would be divorced by the end of the month.
D14 has been having a rough time. I talked to her counselor about her not sleeping, and just being unhappy and not wanting to go to school in the morning. After the counseling session D14 told me that she really had some issues with her friends, and that her mom pushes her to talk to her about them and when she doesn't want to talk STBX gets upset and makes her feel guilty for not confiding in her.
As D14 put it "It's like mom is always on her period and cries a lot when I don't want to talk to her".
Anyway, D14 stayed home from school again today. STBX called me and told me that she was exhausted and needed to rest. STBX said it's not because of our 'family situation' that she doesn't sleep, it's because of her issues with her friends.
I don't believe her but there's nothing I can do.
As for myself, I continue to keep a detached tone when I speak with STBX. And I keep my focus on healing myself.
Who dont you believe? D14 or your STBX? It sounds like both are saying that D14's biggest issue is with friends which is typical for teenage girls.
Because of things D14 said to me, I don't believe STBX. I think STBX is blind to the real issues. Both D14 and D18 have told me during their 'venting' sessions with me that I act like a parent with them and STBX acts like a whiny sister.
So, all I _can_ do is stay the course and be the rock.
Well it's raining here in SoCal. I like the rain, it's cleansing and good for my soul.
Over the past few days there have been many issues with D14 but only when she is at the condo. She seems to be ok when she's with me at the house. All I can do is remain calm and stable.
STBX has been sending E-Mails to me and our Legal aid to push the divorce paperwork through. I have to submit a few things then we're "done" and she can be free I guess. It still kind of hurts but I realize this is necessary. Although the other day she did say she 'misses our dog'. Right.
