Dia, To add to your LL conversation, there also comes a point in a R were someone talking your LL can become toxic. For example I'm a QT kind of guy and spending time with my W is just exhausting. Not sure if this is because I'm trying to get something she can't give or what. Its like putting diesel in an unleaded car.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
* H is making noises about getting a family photo done * We have combined our Netflix accounts and eliminated my separate one. (Ahh, modern love - he let me share his Netflix queue!)
That's what Pooh Bear calls "welcoming noises."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm still in my hellish work schedule until the end of the day today, but I wanted to take a moment to let you know that our D is officially Busted.
We had another one of those R talks while doing the dishes this morning. H had been asked to join a game hosted by friends of the Thursday-Dinner-and-Movie people. He asked if I minded him being gone for a few hours on Saturday about once a month. For me, this was a complex question, and he saw that fact on my face.
I told him the short answer was No, I didn't mind, and did he want to hear the more complex stuff?
H: You feel excluded?
Dia: Yes, but it's more than that.
I explained that the people he's talking about sound like people I would like, and the game itself is something I would enjoy. So yes, I felt excluded but there was a larger issue. Logistically, it's been difficult for me to make friends. I work from home, so I don't have a host of office mates where I might meet friends. He doesn't include me in his social circle, so I don't have the opportunity to make friendships there, either.
He said that he *was* planning to integrate me into the social circle of the Dinner-and-a-Movie people. He said he thought we'd get on well. "
H: Every single one of them is eccentric, it's kind of like the Meet the Robinson's family. We'll fit right in.
I thanked him, and he went on to say that OW was having a rough time right now, that he still talked to her a lot and it would be an incredibly bad time to dump her. (and yes, big red flags went up.) But that he also knew he couldn't continue to be in relationships with both of us.
Dia: I understand where you are. I understand that his situation is complicated, and that there is pain for everyone involved. I hear you. If you and I proceed to full reconciliation, I want complete and absolute fidelity from you, and I would expect to give you that as well. I'm not going to throw down about it today, but I won't let this drag on forever, either. At some point, a line has to be drawn and I don't know how long I can wait.
H: That's entirely reasonable.
As you might imagine, the conversation unsettled me, so I walked away from him and busied myself elsewhere in the house. He came and found me to hug me.
Dia: I have never dealt well with insecurity. I think I've done a fabulous job of it these last few months, but I'm upset because I'm feeling insecure right now.
H: Because I'm excluding you from parts of my life?
Dia: No, because I don't know if you're going to choose me or OW.
He didn't say anything. He retreated back to surface subjects, stories from the news, etc. We each made ourselves breakfast but the idle chatter in the narrow galley kitchen was making me feel trapped, so I suggested we eat outside. More idle chatter. I think he was trying to lighten the mood.
Then he went to change for work and I started to put away the breakfast things. Once he'd changed, he came back to me, hugged me close and stroked my hair and my cheek.
H: I think we should give it another go. I choose you. (and yes, I did feel like a Pokemon.) I will break up with OW. It won't be today, and I might still be friends with her, but I will do it.
I hugged him and said thank you.
And yeah, the whole being friends with OW ain't gonna work, not for any of us. I will fight that battle when the time comes.
For the moment, tho - Divorce Busted!
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
So happy for you. I was sweating bullets while you described waiting for the answer! Now start working on getting registered for the next Retrouvaille session. It will complete the reconciliation process in a really short time.
Congrats Dia. I would suggest sitting down and really figuring out what your boundaries should be with OW. You should probably make sure he realizes you will not tolerate a friendship before the break-up. It would be unfair to him otherwise; because he did tell you he will remain friends.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
