Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

So.........

Just quick to update, day 5 of being clean and all is well and feel GREAT!

Don't know what to do with the boys this weekend but we'll wing it. And of course in light of S11's story hour this week, S12 will do all the chosing and S11 is just a ride along. Time to learn lying gets you no-where buddy.

[mishka422]

GOOD JOB D! I'm sure you'll find something fun to do with them. Of course, there is a bit of a rumble in the bayou tomorrow that should make for SERIOUS entertainment!

[MsMelancoly]

Bravo for the not drinking!! I'm sure whatever you do w/your boys, they will be happy to spend time w/you.

[karen43]

Congrats on your recent sobriety! I'm sure you're having a great time this weekend with the kids!!! Just being with them is such joy. (Can you tell I get them next weekend?)

[dday101798]

Ohhh man, my post didn't go through.

Well, the short version:

Had a quiet weekend with the boys after a rough time picking them up on Friday. First off, my great mood of the week and day was trashed as now OM is driving 'our' car. I know it shouldn't get to me, but none the less it did. The S11 was in a rotten mood and very disrespectful to XW then me, so I kind of let him have it and it got ugly from there.

After getting him simmered down and the boys got in the car I confronted XW that I think it's time she start dropping them off by me. It's been 4 times in a row now that some bit and piece of a life taken away from me is being man-handled by someone else (meaning OM) and that although she's obviously so easily over everything, I'm not, I still hurt and will for some time. I know, I shouldn't of said it and it flew out before I realised what I was saying, but, I did.

She had this dumbfounded look, like she wanted to cry, but then wanted to smile, and it was one of those ackward smiles, like a 'I'm glad you said that smirk, coupled with a sinister grin.

She did say she wanted to talk more with me, but doesn't want to fight. I said there's nothing left to fight over anymore between us, IT'S OVER. All there is the boys.

Uggh, I feel like such a dummy for being so open and letting her know I'm still stuck.

Heh, my cousin, her friend and I broke out the Quija board Friday night after the boys went down. Supposidly, I'm going to get my personal belongings back within 2 months and XW and I are going to get back together. Don't see that happening anytime soon. Plus, she seems a bit confused. S11 had his assignment notebook and I peaked at it. XW who was sooooooo quick to get rid of name can't remember who she is. One day she signs her maiden name, the next day mine.

[NoCodeBlues]

Hey, Dday,

Don't try to read too much in the ex's use of her last name. If your last name is the same as your S's, then that is the likely reason she continues to revert back to it for herself -- to associate herself with your children, not you.

Stuck sucks, don't it? Well, it's a process -- this getting unstuck; and it takes time -- often much more time than we had originally imagined.

But, yeah, I hate it when they think they've got you pinned down like that.

[dday101798]

Ney NCB.

You know, hindsight 20/20, I guess I just went clean to avoid bottling up my true feelings and them having them release in some sort of negative way later on as I have often done. Plus, she's clearly left the building long before Elvis did, so I don't see harm in what I said. She's done, she's out and I should be too, just haven't found a way to fully let it go yet. Probably never truly will. But 'pinned', no. I have a couple of options now to go about my life and I so want to embark upon them. But my dumbarse just keeps looking back over my shoulder at what was and making sure she's 100% comitted to what she's chosen.

[karen43]

But my dumbarse just keeps looking back over my shoulder at what was and making sure she's 100% comitted to what she's chosen.

Really? If she did decide at this point she wanted back with you, what would you do? I couldn't see myself ever being able to do that, b/c of the loss of trust and other stuff we've gone through. Being vulnerable with them and getting hurt over and over, you know...

[dday101798]

Really? If she did decide at this point she wanted back with you, what would you do?

I really, really don't know.

It would obviously be a COMPLETE restart. The R and M we had is dead and buried. At least in my mindset. Her negativity towards me says that it's probably not so yet on her end, but each time I tell her 'it's over' she seems to let go more and more.

I guess the problem lies in that eye contact. That's where I faultered Friday. I have normally not butt my way in when she's having an issue with one of the kids, but S11 was being downright nasty to her and I couldn't take it. She knows I do my best to get my point across with them and not have to get loud about it, but I had no choice. The look in her eyes afterward could be summed as thankful with a hint of admiriation. And when I spilled it all out there, those eyes just affixed on mine and there's just that feeling that has NEVER left. That feeling of 'who are you? You facinate me, and I connect with you' just has never been erased. Even at our most heated times, it was always there and I know I can trust it. Like I've said, I've never gotten the 'i love you, but I'm not in love with you speech', NEVER.

So, I don't know. It would take a long, long time, IF it were every possible. And that "IF" is not dependent upon me. I do know, should that "IF" never get a chance, we'll always regret what we've done.

And before it starts, no, I'm not back-sliding. And no, I'm not on a downhill ride. It's always been like this.

[NoCodeBlues]

But 'pinned', no.

No, I didn't think you were necessarily. What I meant is when the ex thinks thinks that they have you pinned down like that.

It's almost as if they want and needto think you're still stuck and suffering for them. It's like a weird sadism on their part, as well as a source of pride too.

xW continues to mistake my concerns for our sons' interests as being jealous of her or wanting her back. It really doesn't make any sense sometimes, but it's like she clings to that notion. In fact it also at the same time makes her angry that I am supposedly not recognizing her independence from me. She can't seem to understand that if I have let her go, it does not in any way mean I am letting my S's go. Ever.

I've long ago given up trying to explain myself. I don't care if she figures it out or not anymore, except where the resulting friction makes it difficult for us to co-parent our kids.