Leaving the Land of Insanity...

[LolaL]

I have to agree. I sympathize with you, I know this is a tough decision to make. But the sympathy card with him is just another way he can control the situation. Sure he wants you to file, sure he wants the divorce, but on his terms.

Why give him what he wants? If you want this too, and it seems inevitable to me, then tell him to sign off on the waiver or you will have him served. Period.

[mishka422]

I thought he was finally being decisive for once in his life when he dumped me in the email...and said he was moving on with life.

You be decisive. Why do you have to wait around for him. Tell him exacty what everyone else said. You WILL have him served if he does not get the signed copy to you tonight. No excuses. He's had freakin' long enough. GGGRRRRRR!!!!!!!

You decide. You take control. Stop giving Dan all the control over the timeline here. He has dragged you along, holding out a dangling carrot to you for years now. Stop rising to his DANG bait!

Oh, so many curse words aimed at Dan in my head right now. I'm biting my tongue and sitting on my hands not to spew them. I swear, that man needs a thrashing!

[BeginningAgain]

He doesn't want to sign it because he's most comfortable with the limbo status he has with you. He can be nice and be "family" Dan when HE wants to and you and your kids are there for him. When HE wants to be "single" Dan he can be that as well contacting the OW or being simply by himself, knowing that his other option (you) is just one of his mood swings away. As long as he can keep this going he will. It is a control thing with him. If he signs the paper and you move on, he loses not only the "family Dan" option, but you as well. He's used to dangling you on a string. I agree with the others here, you need to take control of the situation.

S4H

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Bobbi,
How are you doing today? I keep thinking about your sitch. Theres a lot of 'emotion'..not surprising. But isnt it best to proceed with a divorce with a clear head and once the emotion and anger has all died down? I sort of dont understand why you have to push it now, although I can see you want to do SOMETHING.

I was wondering.. can you separate the issues? My ex, the Piscean is still M but been S 5 years. There was alot of anger and infedility he put up with..he gave her lots of chances, but eventually he decided to formally separate (but emotionally, wasnt ready to divorce). What he did though, was separate the finances, completely. He bought her out of the house, closed the joint account and they did formal legal financial separation so neither can come back to the other in the future with a claim on their finances. Then he said, the large part of the divorce is done really in the eyes of the law. It just remains to actually divorce and dissolve the M, which after 5 years, like he said, they hadnt yet taken that final step.

Is that what this waiver is? I think for reasons of practicality and your sanity, you need to separate your bills, finances and KNOW what money you will be receiving every month. Can you pursue this part of it, but leave the part where you dissolve the M perse? It sounds like it is upsetting and frustrating you to MAKE him sign the divorce petition and thats bad for you to have to deal with, seeing as you didnt want the D.

Maybe just continue NOT dealing with him and NOT being his matey buddy wierd 'family wife' and comfort zone. I think pulling back emotionally, not being available or chatting to him anymore would have more effect on him, than forcing him to sign papers but continuing to allow him to spend time in your house. Just a thought !

Thinking of you, Al xxx

[BobbiJo]

Thanks Ali. I am ok today, I believe a sinus infection is taking up residence. My head is so full, esp around my forehead and eyes, with the yucky drainage and headache. Not my idea of a fun Friday but oh well!

Last night was a little bittersweet. I spent the evening with my kids, running around Omaha. We had allergy shots, then shopping. My baby boy FINALLY wears a size 6/7!! (He turned 7 in August and was wearing size 5 shorts all summer.) We tried his winter shirts on the other day and they were too short. And the 4T coat from last winter wasn't big enough.

So we went shopping and he got lots of great clothes, he wants to look more like his daddy so we got some nicer shirts and sweaters, he is looking too big! Only one shirt with a cartoon on it...

Then we had dinner together and headed home for bubble tubs and bed time.

I lay on the floor between my two kids in their beds. In the dark, Nathan asks,

"Mom what is the difference between a house and a home?"

We have had this discussion before and I said what I always have said. "A house is just the building, being with your family makes it a home."

I have used that explanation before, with all of our moves, to show him it doesn't matter where we live as long as we are together. (see where this is going...)

So he replies, "Then we don't have a home. Because daddy doesn't live here."

I tried to reassure him that we do still have a home, his mom and his sissy live with him and love him very much and his daddy will always be part of his family, too. No matter what.

Of course he can apply this to his dad's house once he lives there part of the time, too. Because I won't live there, so I suppose he won't think it is a home, either?

Trying to figure out the best way to handle this.

[BobbiJo]

Well I am angry and sad again today. As I said on K's thread, it isn't either of those exactly. I feel 'wronged', violated, etc.

It is strange b/c I was very frustrated/angry on Wednesday night when I snapped at H. Then Thurs/Fri somehow I got back to thinking, if we are getting a D then for my kids at least we can be friends.

At least this time it only took two days for me to figure out "Nope, not now". I guess I am cycling, but a little faster? Don't know if that is good or bad...

I was shopping today and for some reason thought of him and her together. And how he chose that over me, our family, etc etc instead of talking to me about what was wrong.

I feel almost embarrassed/ashamed today. Thinking of how I have 'killed him with kindess' the past 2 years since this happened. You know how dogs will get down on their belly to a bigger dog to show that they submit? That has to be how I came across so many times and I am embarrassed to think that...

Mike I bought the Lady Antebellum CD today. I knew several of their songs already but I listened to the one you posted the other day. Good stuff. Several good songs on that CD about relationships actually...

And out of the blue, I decided to reactivate my Match account. Not planning to date yet, but wanted some interactions for the old PMA. Had an IM exchange with a gentleman this morning. He was heading for the farmer's market while I was heading out to a big craft fair, biggest one in the state supposedly. Ten minutes later I got a notice that he had added me to his "favorites" list... Just nice to remember that I am a pretty great, appealing person, my H just happens to be an idiot...

[Lotus]

I'll drink to that. You husband IS an idiot.

[smith18]

It is good to recognize that you are cycling. And I am starting to see that you realize that your life will continue on if you get divorced. That is one of the advantages to the divorce busting - it can help to save your marriage, but it also takes the final sting away if it does end.

My friend had told me shortly after my bomb that the emotional pain would only get worse. But because of MWD's books and the advice and 2*4's on these forums, it was not to bad of a hurt when I realized that my marriage could not be saved. I knew that there would be much better days ahead and that I could once again find someone to love in addition to my children.

I know that I dont have to tell you to be cautious on match.com. But as a reminder, you probably should ignore responding to guys without pictures or ones who want to meet right away. Hey, I may have to go check out your match.com entry you have for spelling errors or anything else that might attract too many losers. But dont worry, I wont wink at you since you are way too young for me and live way too far away. Maybe you could look at my entry for anything that might be a turn off. One thing I know that women dont want to see are shirtless guys holding their dead fish/animals while on their motorized toy. But recently, I have had a very interesting lady contact me who is showing interest in old Kerry. We have exchanged a lot of emails and talked last night a bit - maybe even meet tomorrow.

[BobbiJo]

Hey Kerry!

I am pretty picky on Match. If there is no photo, I don't even bother. I have to have some kind of mental image to go by.

Then I review the photos. Shirtless--no go. Holding a beer in every picture--no go. Bad teeth--no go. Sorry, but you have to be selective and if I am snobby so be it!

Then I read the profile. I can't handle multiple spelling errors, bad grammar, or too much cheese. One guy had for a tag line, "Single and ready to mingle"...I know that's from a movie but still--no go.

Also, if the first contact they make is to ask me "When are we meeting up?" or "What are we doing tonight?"--no go.

So far I have only communicated with two guys. The one from August who asked me out after about 6 emails, and the guy today who IM'd me. We chatted for about 5 minutes, nothing major.

Thanks for checking it out, Kerry. I will have to look for yours.

[BobbiJo]

Also I forgot if their username contains "xxx" or "69" in any fashion, no go.