I'm new wondering if this works...

[Butterfly1]

Last night, H just went to his room, no talk. Not even good night. This morning, I just cheerily went about my business, got dressed for the Ren. Faire. It's just body languange, but it's noted - he actually approached me and stood by me and chatted while I got ready in the bathroom. Baby steps.

[BigJohn]

Hope,

How was the Ren. Fair? Are they still holding it out in Novato? Hope you had a fun day today.

[Butterfly1]

BJ - I hadn't been in years - since it was in Novato. They hold it in Gilroy now. Luckily, my friend drove . We had fun, wore costumes, drank cider, enjoyed the parades and shows....the whole bit. It was a good GAL day with a gal pal. Did I just say that?

[Day by Day]

Yay! Happy for you Hope.

[Butterfly1]

bump

[BigJohn]

Hope,

Good to hear you had a good time this weekend- even if you had to suffer the drive down to Gilroy. As for me, I went out on the Bay this past Saturday with a couple of friends on a sailboat to watch the Blue Angels. They performed a little bit before they had to shut things down due to the fog. But it was a good male bonding experience nonetheless. And a good reason to get away from my W too.

[Butterfly1]

That was my intention too, BJ. Female bonding and getting away from H. The Bay sounds fabulous. I absolutely adore boating. Hope you got to see the Blue Angels the first time around!

Things have been polite here - until tonight.

H says he's taking S to the submarine tomorrow with fil. I said I would like to tag along if that's ok. H says he doesn't know. I say why? H says "I don't want to drive so many people in my car." I say well we can talk about a real reason he doesn't want me there, or else I would like to go, I don't want to be home all day alone and it's my night with S.

H snaps, raises voice "Stop bugging me at 11 pm at night!" I have been prepared not to take his abusiveness any more. I got up and left the room.

I come back to get computer and say there is a nicer way to say that. H barks, "Maybe there is but stop bugging me at 11pm at night!" (again). He says it's "not his problem if I can't take a hint and I ask him five times."

So instead of buying it, I say, "well I haven't gotten a clear answer".

H says he doesn't know if he wants me to go or not. I decide inside that it's not all about what he wants. Then I let it go and left the room.

I should have been more upbeat and let it go. It's true asking five times doesn't get the clarity I'm looking for, it gets me abused. I guess what I was doing was pushing and pursuing - a litte. But I am trying to hold the balance between that and not letting myself be controlled by his abusive behavior.

But I did what I had to - I stayed calm, and I walked away. Now I'm in my room alone. And unless H can clearly explain his feelings to me, I am going to stick to what I want. I won't push it if it's a problem, but he needs to talk to me, not be verbally abusive.

How do you think I did people? Progress?

[Stronger]

Nope, not progress.
Now you should go back and tell him you don't want to go after all because you came up with something better to do.

Understand this: He does not want you there. He just decided to not completely crush your feelings by saying as much. Yes, they are monsters and aliens in their current MLC or WAS fogs, but parts of the "real and old" them exist. And it was the "real and old" H that didn't want to hurt your feelings and gave you the lame excuse of not wanting too many people in his car.

You may want to go to this event, but he obviously doesn't want you there. So screw that. You take advantage of the day off from S and go do something for you, even if it's just sitting at home relaxing. Clean some more cat pee, I don't know but do something for you, just for you and don't mope.

You see positive results from distance. You've learned this over and over with your H. Then, you get that positive response and go running to him and push for more. Instead this time, give distance again. Get your positive response but this time give MORE distance and maybe see if the next positive response isn't even bigger. That would be my next experiment.

You said you "won't push if it's a problem....". You did push and it was a problem. I would have asked him "Hey if you want I wouldn't mind coming with you to help out with S in case you and FIL want some male bonding time....if not, I have some things I could and need to get done, but it's not urgent."

You pushed and he shoved back. Let this one go and work on some distance which you've seen positive results afterward.

[Day by Day]

Hope,
I feel Stronger's advice also applies to what I experienced last week. I asked probably three times about the concert tickets. The first two answers were ambivilent, but the third was angry. Guess I was pursuing. I also asked him to be upfront with me and let me know... then the angry answer. Pretty dumb on my part--what answer was I expecting to hear? I'm trying NC now and giving him space and trying not to care about anything that involves him.

I'm waiting to see what results I get from it.

[Butterfly1]

Ok Stronger. I hear you. Thanks for the 2x4.