And from what I read, your W does regret hurting you.
In my sitch, we had a two-year separation. I hate that the sep happened. It was immensely painful to both of us and to our son. It was tragic. BUT...
We've both grown and changed in ways I'm not sure we could have w/o the sep. Do I wish we could have worked it out faster/different/ better? Yep. But I also have to accept that the sep may have been the best thing for us and the only way forward at the time.
Dia-
I too believe my W regrets hurting me. Even when she was so resolved to leave me, and she had her walls up all the way, she still had a kindness toward me. I went to her the morning after she said she was moving out, I didn't say anything, but she could see I had been crying, and I gave her a long hug, I pulled back and started to walk away. She looked so sad, and mouthed the words "I'm sorry" to me without making any sound. That little memory just might be the difference if we decide to try to reconcile.
I feel EXACTLY the same way about our separation. I know there is no way we would have grown the way we have without it, and strangely enough, I know it is our only hope for truly fixing our R and having a great M. Of course it might also end our M, but without the separation, I know it was doomed for sure.
There is a lot of hope for this marriage. I think a weekend a Retrouvaille would give you both the opportunity to open up to each other in the positive way that you would like. And it will teach you to live together in a healthy way. It's not just talk. It is a weekend of releasing the past and starting a much better future. Go to www.helpourmarriage.org and look for a weekend in your area. They have helped people in much worse situations than yours to go on to happy marriages!
There is a Retrouvaille in a few months near here, and I'm considering asking my W if she'd attend with me. I need to find out what the status of her A with OM is first though. If we do Retrouvaille, she needs to be 100% done with OM, preferably for a while before we go.
I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I was riveted to your two long posts on this thread. You have a great way of expressing yourself, and my money is on you and your wife reconciling. I can't tell you WHY, exactly, it's just that . . . you don't seem "done" with each other, and there's a real love and tenderness underneath your relationship.
Don't count it out. I practically did, and I would have been wrong.
If you can find some way to appreciate the catalyst that the bomb and the A was for you both, then you will go a long way toward healing.
I do not regret my H's EA or the giant bomb he dropped on me. Do I wish it could have happened differently? Sure. It was painful. However, unless that had happened, we'd both be miserable, very different people than we are after we went through this together.
Now, I insisted on no non-work contact with her, and it took some time to have him honor that until I blew sky high and was ready to walk. I still can't stand her, and I wouldn't be sad if she spent the rest of her life miserable. But I don't regret that my H did that, because it gave us the opportunity to build a new, more satisfying marriage.
You have work to do on yourself around this issue, on your thinking. You don't have to be thankful to the OM, but that doesn't mean you can't be thankful for a situation that launched both of you into a lot of self-work and introspection and made you better partners. Or you could insist on her feeling like you think she "should" feel, be bitter, and sacrifice any chance at reconciliation. You have the opportunity to create something good out of something ugly and horrible. Will you take it?
SD <edited for grammar...ugh>
Last edited by SDFoundGirl; 10/08/0910:06 PM.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Well, I'm not sure is has ended. That is question number one to resolve if and when we decide to take a step toward each other. I know it is not anything like what it was, simply by how she's acting, but I doubt all contact has been severed. She has no reason to yet.
Yes, it most assuredly is a question that needs answering and your marriage doesn't stand a chance if she's still in contact with OM.
And, if you don't know that she isn't in contact then she probably is.
Hope4us is absolutely correct. Complete and total no contact is the very first requirement for recovering your marriage.
Don't let her back into your home until this has been dealt with. Other posters and bitter experience has taught me that it's a very, very bad idea. My W came back to live with me and stayed in touch with OM, even visiting him a few times. I am dirt ashamed of myself for this - I basically offered myself as a host that she could parasite off of. Don't do this my friend.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I was riveted to your two long posts on this thread. You have a great way of expressing yourself, and my money is on you and your wife reconciling. I can't tell you WHY, exactly, it's just that . . . you don't seem "done" with each other, and there's a real love and tenderness underneath your relationship.
Don't count it out. I practically did, and I would have been wrong.
Thanks Puppy. Your words mean a lot to me. It's ironic. I can express myself so freely on this anonymous message board, but I couldn't open myself up to my W.
Ever since my situation began, I've had the same feeling, that there is still a connection between my W and me. We had a great friendship, and we relied on each other so much, and we really liked each other. I have detached fairly well, and am doing fine on my own, but it seems like every time I think we're drifting away from each other, something happens to pull us back. She so much doesn't want to lose me, that is clear to me. I asked her during our recent talk if she's really considered the brutal reality of our future if we can't find a way back, and she admitted to me that she hadn't, that it's just too painful to imagine.
I've followed your story, and I've seen some similarities, except for the obvious thing I stated, that my W doesn't regret her A. You and your W seem to have a connection between you that neither of you can bear to sever. I sure understand that. How long after her A ended did you begin to find yourself acting normal around her again, and noticing that you didn't think about her A nearly all the time?
I know your usual advice regarding boundaries, exposure, cutting off support. I'm nearly positive I could have busted my W's A early on by taking a very hard line. I could have cut her off financially, canceled her cell phone, blocked her internet access from inside our house, took her off my health insurance, threatened exposure, told her she'd have to fight for custody of the kids, and she probably would have come back crying begging me to forgive her. I had something so damaging on OM that with one phone call I'm sure I could have sent him running for the hills. The problem in my situation is that it wouldn't have solved anything. We couldn't fix our M from within, we tried and tried and tried. She might have come back and been a good wife for a little while, but her discontent would have eventually gained strength in her, and she would have planned her exit again, making sure her ducks were in a row this time. Although it was killing me, I knew I needed to let her go and let whatever was going to happen happen. I didn't help her leave, but I didn't stand in her way either. I let her know I loved her. Deep down I had faith that she'd realize she couldn't bear to lose me and break up our family. Like I said in my original post, we've both grown in such positive ways this year, it's hard for me to think of what happened as bad, although the thought of her with OM is a pain I wish I didn't have to carry. The intel I got was so brutal I try to push it out of my mind. I have the impression you've been there too.
If you can find some way to appreciate the catalyst that the bomb and the A was for you both, then you will go a long way toward healing.
I do not regret my H's EA or the giant bomb he dropped on me. Do I wish it could have happened differently? Sure. It was painful. However, unless that had happened, we'd both be miserable, very different people than we are after we went through this together.
Now, I insisted on no non-work contact with her, and it took some time to have him honor that until I blew sky high and was ready to walk. I still can't stand her, and I wouldn't be sad if she spent the rest of her life miserable. But I don't regret that my H did that, because it gave us the opportunity to build a new, more satisfying marriage.
You have work to do on yourself around this issue, on your thinking. You don't have to be thankful to the OM, but that doesn't mean you can't be thankful for a situation that launched both of you into a lot of self-work and introspection and made you better partners. Or you could insist on her feeling like you think she "should" feel, be bitter, and sacrifice any chance at reconciliation. You have the opportunity to create something good out of something ugly and horrible. Will you take it?
I'm trying SDFoundGirl, I'm really trying. When I manage to get away from my pain and feelings of betrayal, I'm totally there. Everyone who knows us sees two much better people, so how can this have been a bad thing? A book I read said sometimes affairs are a wake-up call, that make people face some brutal realities of life and love, but also can blow apart a dysfunctional M, allowing a newer better one to grow in its place. That's the way I'm trying to look at my situation, but it's not easy.
Yes, it most assuredly is a question that needs answering and your marriage doesn't stand a chance if she's still in contact with OM.
And, if you don't know that she isn't in contact then she probably is.
Hope4us is absolutely correct. Complete and total no contact is the very first requirement for recovering your marriage.
Don't let her back into your home until this has been dealt with. Other posters and bitter experience has taught me that it's a very, very bad idea. My W came back to live with me and stayed in touch with OM, even visiting him a few times. I am dirt ashamed of myself for this - I basically offered myself as a host that she could parasite off of. Don't do this my friend.
No worries GH31, I will not put myself back out there unless I am given complete assurance OM is gone for good. Given that we are separated, it may be difficult for me to completely verify it, so at some point, I'll have to trust her. I don't want her moving back for a long time, not until we are very very solid with each other. I will not put my kids through a failed reconciliation, so I will be very careful about this. I do have the advantage that OM is thousands of miles away, which helps somewhat.
My W doesn't appear to regret her A's right now either. They will with time. But maybe not right now.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
