A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Lost Rabbit]

Dia thank you so much for your post, its a real insight, my H has only just started to go into R talk, he wants to date again and see how we go! quite frankly Im more scared than when I was sixteen first time around.

It is so good to hear what is ahead of me/us I do really appreciate it, and sorry if this is a little wobbly one glass of wine really makes me squiffy!

[orangedog]

Hmmm...have to go back a read so just guesses.

1. Probably a little bit of fusion is OK and perhaps unavoidable but not sure where the line is. Differentiation is the optimum but not so separate from the other as to be a lack of caring, aloof, or self-centered.


2. "Never want to let you go" as in cuddly things = not a problem. As in "No, don't ever leave me or I will be helpless" = problem.

There's been discussion on the boards about the Hollywood, "You complete me" or "I'm nothing without you" BS that does a big disservice towards relationships. You need to be something to yourself before you can be something to anyone else.

T Nhat Hahn said in one of his talks, "To love is to be there." He later explained that it not only meant be there for someone else but to be present for yourself. To be awake, aware, and complete.

[bluerain]

I have heard of Hysterical Bonding that goes on when things start to mend in these situations.

I also dont think that fusion to a certain point is a bad thing, as long as people maintain their individuality, and respect their spouses individuality as well.

I think that your in that honeymoon phase again, lucky you!

With as far as youve come, dont forget that patience is what got you here!

[C-Bart]

Interesting and good R talk. Sounds like you are both letting each other know your LL. Someone has been reading :-)

[Dia]

You know, I think he *has* been reading. After you posted this, I checked the location of the 5LL book. It's on the headboard of the bed instead of on the bookshelf. T'warn't me what put it there.

One of the things I tried to explain was the idea that if your tank is full, just about any of the languages will continue to fill it. But if your tank is empty, a gesture in one of your non-primary LLs is likely to backfire.

Example 1, PT: W/o spending any time with me, H attempted to ML. Boy oh boy did he get the cold shoulder. What, I'm your blow-up doll? You ignore me for months and then expect me to service your needs at your whim??! F-that!

Example 2, Gifts: Right near the end, H bought me a pretty little ring with sapphires in it. It actually made me angry, as if I could be bought. And he knows full well my favorite stone is amethyst. He couldn't even take the time to pick a stone he knows I would like?

Now, I'm not excusing myself for reacting with poor grace, there. But - when your love tank is so empty it's rusted clear through, it seems like only your primary LL will work to start filling it again. Anyone else have that experience?

Here's another thought I've been mulling over. The depth of my hurt over his A with my ex-BFF isn't about the sex. It's that after all of my pleading for more time, after starving for it for so long, he was giving that very thing, the thing I craved from him more than any other - to HER. So all that bullshit about being too busy, too tired, too sick was just... BULLSHIT. He was giving MY primary LL to someone else.

And unfortunately, we're even because I gave his to someone else, too.

Hard lessons all around.

[girlfromoz]

Hi Dia

I would say now you are at the point I was a couple of weeks ago with our R talk that brought up everything he felt was wrong and I brought up what I felt was wrong and how we had wronged each other.

I know what you mean by your primary LL is the one that will start to refill the love tank, been there, done that.

Honesty and truth hurt sometimes, but it all has to be got out in the open for you both to truly move forward with each other, otherwise you both will continue to harbour anger or resentment over issues. So in a nutshell the hurt has to come to the surface for the healing and birth of your new M & R to begin.

At least that is what we found. We have now closed the doors on the past, we discussed it, dealt with it, apolgised to each other for it and then shut the door and locked it.

[C-Bart]

I think him ready the LL book is a wonderful thing. The book gives great connecting and conversation points. Also shows he is interested in the new you and how you got there.

Like the theory about wrong LL causing more harm than good.

[dolphin_05]

Dia, Hi. I've been reading along, very interested in your posts, not saying too much but applauding your progress. Agree with what you've said about LL. That book said such a lot to me and I'm an advocate of it in all relationships, not just with our partners.

The examples that come to mind from the past

When we had guests, H was the perfect host, getting drinks and organising things and then cleaning up afterwards. I would get really annoyed about the cleaning up because I just wanted him to leave the dishes and come and enjoy the company of our guests.

H worked really hard and I craved time with him. I didn't get the need to work like that. He didn't get my need for his company.

On the empty tank and non-primary LL;

I felt much the same emotions as you when just after separation H gave me very expensive perfume but it wasn't one that I ever wore.

Here's another thought I've been mulling over. The depth of my hurt over his A with my ex-BFF isn't about the sex. It's that after all of my pleading for more time, after starving for it for so long, he was giving that very thing, the thing I craved from him more than any other - to HER. So all that bullshit about being too busy, too tired, too sick was just... BULLSHIT. He was giving MY primary LL to someone else.

Yes, yes, yes that certainly resonates with me!

So glad you are getting the opportunity to share these thoughts with H and so wonderful that he is reading!

Cas

[Dia]

Thanks, everyone. Hell-time at work will continue thru the end of this week. After that my superiors are all at a week-long conference on the other coast.

In other news:

* H is making noises about getting a family photo done
* We have combined our Netflix accounts and eliminated my separate one. (Ahh, modern love - he let me share his Netflix queue!)

[Lotus]

Family portrait is a great idea! I now MIL will love one for Xmas! Just kidding. Family portrait is a great idea. It makes a statement to the world, and to the 3 of you every time you see it.