Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[kat727]

Ali we have kept e-mailing since last September. I cut way back though in July as I felt the need for myself. That is when I started really getting pulled by this connection because in my own way I was fighting it.

Also in August is when I started to get flashes of his feelings. So finally it all is starting to make sense! His birthday was Saturday and I sent him a card with a small reminder of our past. I figured it couldn't hurt.

The stuff that you discover with regards to BF and Helen will still hurt a bit but it is so good that he is still willing to talk to you about it and reassure you. I don't think he sees her as OW because she sort of filled a gap in time while you were apart. Of course you see her as such because she kept you apart longer. I am just thrilled for you that things continue to get better.

hugs, kat

[goodattitudegirl]

Hi Ali,

Thank you SO VERY much for your generosity in sharing. It really DOES help to give us LeftBehinders about as much peace as we may be able to get since our WalkAways are not able to offer explanations to us. I had a session with Jody this morning (I've been working with her for 11 months now). She said that your explanation for BF's resistance to coming back was spot on in my situation.

he basically said his depression made him unable to ....... care, that he was very self destructive. But even with all that, he knew deep down he still loved me and although he missed me terribly, he couldnt face coming back because of the effort it would take to fix it.

Jody confirmed that my H is depressed and in MLC mode. His resistance to reconsidering has seemed very odd since we began to reconnect last February because with his actions it seems very clear that he still has special feelings ---- yes, even loving feelings--- for me.

I know you've posted this info before somewhere, but given the additional processing you have done with BF recently, would you please restate what thing(s) were most instrumental in moving him to summon the energy to risk coming back to you, even in his depressed state?

Jody suggested writing a letter to H to give to him 2 weeks before our D-day to ask if he would consider delaying the date. As I craft this letter I would like to post and ask for feedback on this site.

Thanks! Even though I've never met any of you, I want you to know how much your kindness means to me.

GAG

[AliSuddenly]

Yes Kat, thats very insightful of you! She wasnt an ow in the sense its used around here, no I agree. He has had some dealings with her at work, just purely formal work emails he said, but I'm not bothered (thank goodness!). As for your guy, wow, I didnt realise you two were emailing all this while? I'm guessing he is still with the gf??

Hey GAG.. your story sounds alot like mine.. we reconnected LAST February and spent increasing amounts of time together (practically whole weekends by June/July time) and I too couldnt fathom his resistance to getting back with me, despite he clearly still cared and was displaying loving feelings even, just the same. He then, inexplicably stopped all contact and started dating Helen. He said they got close at work, it just happened and he didnt mean it to. He has since explained it was "madness", but that perhaps he wanted our breakup to make sense (as it didnt) and it was something new and different but looking back it was a ridiculous decision.

As for then breaking up with her and coming back to me... basically, he missed me. His BMF told me, keep doing what you are doing.. just being you, because thats what he misses. Also, it helped my cause that she was a PITA and shouted at him alot. THey had a massive row on 13th Feb.. our 10 year anniversary I just found out. He said he was sat there, being shouted at,thinking... Al wouldnt shout at me like this, ever.

I asked him before what changed, why did he decide to give it another go, was it something I did, or was it just he had to arrive at that decision in himself? (the convo is on one of the pages of this thread somewhere).. he said, no, it wasnt me as such, just that he finally started to wake up and decide he had to do what was best for him and make better decisions, that he is slow to process things, but he just slowly got to that point in himself. I also think me letting go a bit more helped.

I will ask him again though! If I can (its tricky this week, he is fed up to be back at work.

[Kalni]

Glad you are progressing... Amazing to read all you thoughts here, my impression of you guys was that you were never apart... I think you need to keep posting, get it out of your system. Start talking about the future more, not the past unless it will help you move forward.
love
M

[goodattitudegirl]

Ali,

Thanks for looking at my thread and thanks for your feedback. Your BF had to extricate himself from a relationship to return to you. THAT took energy. As far as I know my H is not in a relationship now but he has purchased a new home and spent a lot of money on a D attorney. In his eyes this may seem like too much to push back from, although filing a delay for the final D wouldn't cost much.

Oh well, took MIL to the dog park today. It was fun, so for now I'm feeling even keeled.

Thanks again for your feedback! Very happy for you and BF!

GAG

[Kalni]

Al, I got the wrong old number and your mobile is off. If you read this, send me a TM...

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K.. thanks for the chat. I wish I could have helped you a little more!

On the whole I am very lucky in that its gone as well as it could I think since he was back. Ok, so the way he left was a terrible shock, he never let me see where he lived for 18 months (which does still bother me a bit) and there was a gf for 8 months.. but it IS as though we were never apart really, apart from these bizarre events. He is very reassuring, but generally, life has 'settled down'. Every day since we have got back, theres the odd little bicker, or he has snapped abuot something.. because he is tired, fed up to be back at work and we have builders in who took the roof off the kitchen, so its freezing in here ! But as he said, dont worry, it doenst mean anything, its not that we are harking back to how it was 2 years ago, thats gone now, done, we are going to have little differences of opinion sometimes and thats normal and to be expected in any relationship. When he put it that way, I felt fine. I still have a bit of work to do on my confidence at times. Little things like a moments snapping at me, wouldnt have bothered me a jot 3, 4, 5 years ago. Now they have this significance.. Oh no, am I being annoying, is he going off me, is he going to leave again!?? But of course not. And he's right, its healthy and normal to express himself more honestly.

Just wanted to share that, even though things sound like a bed of roses, it isnt always !!

[BobbiJo]

You are right, it isn't always a bed of roses. That is reality! That is what gets some people in trouble, they think it is supposed to be a bed of roses all the time and they don't understand/accept that in any good relationship there will be 'bad' parts/moments/days/etc....

You guys sound normal, and normal is something I hope to achieve someday!

[kat727]

Ali, I just read what you wrote on Kalni's thread. It is so easy to think of the time apart from your boyfriend as wasted, but it wasn't. You both had some lessons to learn so that you could come together without baggage and have a true relationship. He had to grieve his Dad and also find a strength within himself that he didn't know he had. He had to learn to be strong enough for you when you were ill or sad or just in a funk.

You had to learn that it was really him that you wanted and not just because he left. You want him despite his depression. You also learned to count on yourself more and that you could be ok by yourself.

You both used your time so certainly wasn't wasted. Now get back to knowing that you are both lucky that you are meant to be together. No more taking any of it for granted.

hugs, kat

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Kat... thanks for posting! I certainly dont take any for granted now, wow, I was reading on Bobbi's thread how she misses just being able to lean over and kiss her man and that struck a chord with me, as thats one of the first thing I noticed when we reconciled. And I realised that I probably DIDNT kiss him that much before, during the day, all those years I had opportunity. I certainly do now.

And you're right about it not being wasted. Him leaving me 'cured' me of some crippling fears and phobias that had dominated my thinking since I was 17, so I was VERY grateful for that, as I told him this morning. We had a big chat, as he could tell I was 'off' with him the past few days.. I think the resentments just build up in waves, but its not as bad as it sounds and as time goes on, it all feels like a distant memory. He cried and when I asked why, he said partly because he hurt me SO much and for how he treated me and he can never change that and he cant bear to think about it and partly, because he was upset to think back on what happened to him, how he fell apart and became 'mentally frayed' and fragile. He says he does see it as a failure, or like he is useless for having the breakdown.. so we talked that one through too.

We talked about why he didnt phone/see me Nov-March, he said he had conversations only with himself and decided it "wouldnt be right" to see me and he doesnt know why he thought that! As for coming back.. I asked again what made him decide to (and I was thinking of you GAG!).. he said he just started to make decisions about what was best for him and what really made him happy and what he wanted. I asked if anything I had done contributed to him wanting to come back.. he thought for a bit and said, well partly it was because he knew I wanted to give it another go too, that I was there, still wanting that.. I said, how did you know that I was still waiting? He said, he just guessed..well, he wasnt sure, but he thought I was because of how I was being with him (we were in alot of email contact Jan-April and I was always super nice, friendly, warm, accepting and no mention of the woman he was dating !!). So I guess I did that thing Jody said.. loving acceptance and consistency toward the WAS.

Hope this helps anyone reading.. and it helps me to know I can offload here!!