Don't know who here has followed my story, but it's been quite a year for me. My W left me at the beginning of the year, she was having a long distance A with OM in another country. We have three little kids.
Each situation here has some similarities, and each has some differences. One big difference in my situation is that my W tried and tried and tried to get me to understand why she was so miserable and to give her what she needed, but I just wouldn't and couldn't listen to her and be the H she so wanted me to be. She wasn't asking for the moon, she just wanted me to be open emotionally, and cherish her more, and be more light and fun with her and the kids. I was a stressed out, overworked, miserable, semi-depressed person who was a big downer to live with. Not quite abusive, but bad nonetheless.
She retreated inside herself when she just couldn't get through to me, trapped by her vows in a M she grew to hate. She lived for years like that. Our M was a sad mess. She eventually told me she was leaving me, and only then did I take her seriously. I did turn myself around after that, and while she said she wouldn't leave, she couldn't find her way back to me either. She eventually started an e-mail correspondence with a man from her past, which grew into a torrid EA. She then told me we were done for good, she found a house to move to, and she was leaving. I soon found out about her A, but there was nothing I could do at that point. She moved out on New Year's Day.
My W's A intensified, and she travelled three times to see OM. I know from some intel that their R was very intense, very sexual, and she was someone with him that I never knew. I shut her out so much that I didn't even know who she was.
I used this year to really transform myself. I became much more open emotionally, and a very positive force in every area of my life. I got into great physical shape, and except for a few times my W and I got into arguments related to her A, I treated my W with much love and compassion. I had the advantage that her OM was far far away, so I didn't have to deal with him being here.
My W changed dramatically this year as well. She is so much nicer now. She has a kindness that is wonderful. She is great with our kids, and she treats me better than she did in our M. She is so alive now. I am blown away by how she has changed, and I have to say, I am almost intoxicated by how attracted I am to her. Her friends agree that she's almost like a new person, a good person. She and I have grown to really enjoy each other again, and feel ourselves getting closer.
We're now nine months into our separation, and my W's A has died way down, if not ended altogether. Last night she told me how sad she is over everything, that she misses the kids when she doesn't have them, that she still loves me. We've started discussing the possibility of reconciling, but we have a big problem.
The problem is that she says that although she knows it hurts me, her A was so intertwined with her finding herself that she can't regret it. She said she knows that means we can't ever be together again. I am miserably torn. I see her changes and I love who she has become, but I know the OM was a big factor in that. Would I ever be able to reconcile with her and enjoy who she is now when I know she will forever be grateful to OM for helping retrieve her from her pit of despair caused by our M? To be fair to me, her despair was also majorly caused by her abusive upbringing as well. Still, it seems impossible for me to be happy and fulfilled with her under those conditions.
I haven't read about any other situation here quite like this. Usually when the A is busted or over and reconciliation is discussed, the WAS is very contrite and remorseful, not GRATEFUL for the A and OP!
Your W is right in that the affair gave her strength to do what she needed to do in terms of turning your sitch around. She is wrong however in saying that it means you can't be together.
Both she and you have to examine what the A represented. Not the A itself. What was she lacking that the A kicked into action? Find that out and your R will be better than ever.
I believe that all M can be healed. It just takes an understanding of why things happened in order for it to happen. Oftentimes it's a combination of alot of things. The key is to find out what that combination is and your R will be stronger than ever.
Good luck.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I believe that all M can be healed. It just takes an understanding of why things happened in order for it to happen. Oftentimes it's a combination of alot of things. The key is to find out what that combination is and your R will be stronger than ever.
I believe that very thing. But the other party has to believe that too, in order for it to happen. If they don't...still doesn't change my belief.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
And from what I read, your W does regret hurting you.
In my sitch, we had a two-year separation. I hate that the sep happened. It was immensely painful to both of us and to our son. It was tragic. BUT...
We've both grown and changed in ways I'm not sure we could have w/o the sep. Do I wish we could have worked it out faster/different/ better? Yep. But I also have to accept that the sep may have been the best thing for us and the only way forward at the time.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Well, I'm not sure is has ended. That is question number one to resolve if and when we decide to take a step toward each other. I know it is not anything like what it was, simply by how she's acting, but I doubt all contact has been severed. She has no reason to yet.
Your W is right in that the affair gave her strength to do what she needed to do in terms of turning your sitch around. She is wrong however in saying that it means you can't be together.
Both she and you have to examine what the A represented. Not the A itself. What was she lacking that the A kicked into action? Find that out and your R will be better than ever.
I believe that all M can be healed. It just takes an understanding of why things happened in order for it to happen. Oftentimes it's a combination of alot of things. The key is to find out what that combination is and your R will be stronger than ever.
Thanks stuck. I know my W and I have both reflected a lot on the gaping holes in our M that the A filled for her. It's really no mystery.
She wanted to feel loved and cherished. Whereas I definitely loved her, the ways I showed it were not at all her "love languages". I did it the way my dad did for my mom, all practical stuff, being a good provider, being reliable, trying to be strong, etc. She wanted to know that she was loved because of who she is, not just because she's my W. She felt like I could just plug in any woman into her role and I'd act exactly the same way, and I hate to say, she was right. I totally get it now.
She wanted to feel appreciated. I took her for granted. The things she did well were unnoticed, and things she didn't do, or had a hard time with, were fodder for my disappointment. I wasn't verbally abusive, I just expressed disappointment passively, with ugly silence. I swear that was even worse than if I had verbally criticized her, since at least then she could have defended herself.
She wanted to feel beautiful. This one we disagree with a little. Although maybe I didn't dode on her like she needed, I was very complimentary toward her, and I tried to make sure she knew I was attracted to her. Especially during her pregnancies, I always gently reminded her how beautiful she is to me.
But most of all, she wanted to be with someone who really wanted to KNOW her, and wanted her to know him. She wanted to feel free to safely express all her secrets inside. This is where I really failed. I was closed off, and I left her to live isolated inside herself. I made her feel like her emotional needs were just a frustrating bother to me, killing her feeling of emotional safety around me. It must have been misery for her. I hate how I failed her this way. I use every opportunity I can get now to show her I am safe, and I do want to know what's inside her. She is tentatively opening back up, and I am much more open with her now. Of course given the state of our R, we aren't exactly open books to each other, but I'm encouraged so far.
I do know it isn't ALL my fault, my W has expressed to me how she felt she failed me as well, particularly financially. I was so relieved to hear that. Now that she's running her own household, she's finding how much the costs add up, and how frustrating it was for me when she would spend so freely.
There is still love between us, we've both expressed that. I also believe all M can be healed if there is love, and a willingness to try.
Future, It doesn't surprise me that your W doesn't regret the A. In fact, I've read a ton of books since my W's A and the majority of them state that a good majority of people do not regret the A itself. Regret hurting you? Yes. Regret how it affected the family? Yes. Regret the actual A? Not so much.
My sitch is a lot like yours. We never separated, but I don't think my W regrets the A. Now that we are reconciling, I know the A pains her and I know it pains her for the hurt I feel, but I truly don't think she regrets the A.
I feel the thing you really need to examine is, like Stuck said, what was going on that drove her to that point. You really need to examine why she would feel like an A was the right thing to do.
LISTEN to her. REALLY LISTEN. And you'll get clues. And then work on those things. Don't tell her you are working on them. Actions mean everything. Right now she may feel it's hopeless, but your job is to not pressure her, validate her feelings and SHOW her that you guys CAN have a future. Once she commits back to the marriage, then you can discuss those things more openly.
And BTW, as long as she's still in contact with OM, your work is cut out for you. ONLY when she ends all contact with him will her feelings begin to come back for you.
Hope this helps.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
