Recovering yourself from all this

[frank_D]

This morning D14 shows up at the door around 9 am. She has some things she wants to do on her computer that is here and just didn't want to stay at the condo or go with her mom to her church of 'spiritual living'.

She's in a great mood and is happy to be here. That makes me happy that she feels that way. Today is going to be a really good day.

[frank_D]

We had a nice afternoon shopping at thrift stores for items for her halloween costume. We also visited the comic book shops so D14 could get the latest issues of "Dead Pool" comics. Had a great (overpriced) dinner at California Pizza kitchens.

The only time there was some sadness was when I suggested I take her back to her moms around 7, and she said she'd rather not go that early because she wasn't in the mood to "put up with mom". I didn't ask what she meant and we agreed on 8 since there is school tomorrow. So we're hanging here at the house for now and relaxing.

[frank_D]

One thing, 25yearsmlc, that you need to understand is that WAW is a survivor of sexual abuse when she was 12.

She doesn't trust men, so she uses them. I was the first and only man she trusted in her entire life. Seriously.

When I lost it, due to my breakdown and subsequent alcohol abuse she had nowhere to go. Not to her father, who didn't protect her and to this day 'wonders' if she made it up.

Not to her mother, who, when WAW was 17 divorced her dad because she was just 'unhappy'. Her dad was a workaholic, who was just trying to make his family be comfortable. She chased other men, and he, because of his upbringing, was not emotionally present.

When she decided to come live with me, he said "Good luck Frank, she's your problem now". I thought he was an a-hole for saying that to me.

I have protected her, encouraged her, loved her when she cheated on me and protected our kids from her emotional outbreaks.

And through all this, I have still loved her unconditionally. Still.

I speak my truth here. 25, is right in that I have been slow to detach. And my counselor and others have told me that detaching will break the cycle. And it has to happen.

I love my daughters, more than anything. Here's what's weird. I never wanted kids. Never. WAW desperately wanted them. Like they would fix something for her.

Now, I feel so blessed to have them. But they don't get along with their mother.

That kills me because for al the years of their pre-teens I gave her all authority over how to raise them. I felt I was not qualified to be a dad. How messed up is that?

Well, today I feel like I am over qualified to be 'dad'.

I want to help WAW, I want to call her and tell her what D14, and D18 have said to me. They love her but do not want to spend too much time with her. However, that would not help her in any way. And 25, it's not part of the 11th step prayer.

I know why, I've heard it over and over. She takes things personally, she attacks their beliefs. she treats them like they are 8 years old.

Or worse, she treat D18 as if she is going to become the slut WAW was at her age. She talks down to her and projects her own mistakes on her. D18 has told me over and over again how she hates that 'mom thinks I am as stupid as she was when she was in her teens"

D18 is in a committed relationship with a very good guy who is not perfect, and is capable of talking through issues.

I'm not keeping a scorecard. I'm really not. I'm asking for help as I try to understand WAW in the context of her relationships with out daughters.

I realize I f'ked up because I took on the responsibility for someone who is likely bipolar, who needed me to be the strong man and when I failed she reverted to the only way she knew how to live.

Right now, I only want to do what is best for my girls. If you care about us, and I know you do, help me to focus on how to raise 2 teenagers who love their parents, see their mom as a mess, and see their dad as a strong man with a lot of issues he is working on.

I KNOW I am the warrior. I know this. It doesn't make me better or lesser than WAW. It make me strong.

[frank_D]

Another good morning, the start of another good day. No scorecards from now on. Nothing but unconditional love and loving detachment.

I'm also going to stay out of the issues between D14, D18 and their mom. I really think it's a "mother daughter" thing with teenagers. So, I am no longer going to worry about them. Just love them all.

[25yearsmlc]

glad you mention the mother daughter thing b/c it's REAL...and don't forget the issues you've had with your d's too. Not to dig in here, but I don't have amnesia Frank, so you can't expect me to let it pass without mentioning that you've shared some things with me that indicate all is NOT well with your Rs with them and the big flare ups don't fade that fast....in short, they have their problems with you as well.

AND Teens are wonderful at manipulating parents, particularly when the parents are divided. You have no idea what they've told your stbxw but don't forget, she knew about the drinking b/c a d told her...and asked her to come home to protect THEM from you....look, like I said, I'm not rubbing salt in the wound, but reminding you of some other realities....it's all too easy to point out the deficits they mention to you about their mother, or your spin on it, and your microscopic analysis. I would not even ask your d why she doesn't want to go home. She has to go, so get her going. Otherwise the "contest" will be forever, and you will not always win...no parent can. Try to stay united or at least not partake of the tearing down. Insist they refer to their mother with respect, and leave it at that. IF THEY bring up problems, steer them towards solutions, and don't gloat or congratulate yourself. It's too competitive and it is not healthy for THEM...it's destructive. Their mother is their female role model; for better or for worse. You must put a positive
spin on what you can...

Try to keep in mind the main thing--They love you both and you both love them, and remember your gratitude that they are in your life. But for your wife, you would not have these ladies in your world.

Keep dropping the scorecard. As you live "in the now" and go forward, it'll be easier.
j-

[frank_D]

Thanks 25, your post was very well stated and had some good advice. I appreciate it a lot. And no more score cards.

D14 and I made dinner tonight and had a lot of laughs. D18 has been moody today and decided to go for a drive to the beach to see the sunset. About 10 minutes after she left she called D14 to apologize for not staying to have dinner with us. That's new for her, she has been self absorbed lately.

D14 and I had fun making pasta, salad and other things. During the cooking she said how she likes making dinner here with me because our kitchen has enough room for two people to work in it and that the condo doesn't so she doesn't get to cook with Mom.

D14 likes to cook, and watches the Cooking Channel all the time and likes to show me her 'expertise'. I even told her that since she cooked, I would do the dishes.

We had a good sit down in the living room and talked about her favorite subjects: Transformers and Kingdom of Hearts characters.

These are the good parts of life.

[frank_D]

This morning around 10 am STBX called me and I had a feeling I should answer the phone. I did and she told me that D14 was having a meltdown and they had been talking since 6 am.

She said that D14 wanted to come over to my house and talk to me, to get things off her chest. I thought this was a good thing, and I did not ask STBX what they had talked about.

She sounded pretty tired and I went to pick up D14.

D14 and I talked on the way back to the house. She basically said she has been stressed out, is worried something is going to happen to me and is upset that we are getting divorced. She's having trouble with her schoolwork and is depressed.

I listened and validated and she seemed to feel better. I think she must have gotten most of it out with her mom.

She's in better spirits now after being here all day. I really think she is moving back towards me and our real home again. This time I won't screw it up for her.

STBX called me a while ago to tell me that she called the school counselor to have a meeting to help us figure out how to get her back on track academically. So we're meeting her tomorrow morning at 8 to see what we can do for D14.

[frank_D]

STBX just came by to pick up D14. She rang the doorbell and waited a minute. Usually she calls D14 in advance and she is ready when she gets here so she doesn't have to come to the door.

I went from my office to the door, saw D14 standing at the bottom of the stairs saying to me "Who's at the door?". I said "It's your mom of course, go get your stuff".

So, I go to the door and open it, standing to the side so she can come in of course. She just stands there until I say "Come on in, D14 is getting her stuff packed up".

So she comes in and I say "I guess she didn't know you were coming now since you usually call. She says "Well I TOLD her I would be here around 3 (It's 3:20) but I guess I'm a little late."

I said "Well you know how she is with time, and I'm sure she didn't want to sit in the living room waiting around" I smiled as I said this, thinking that somehow she felt like I was criticizing her.

So she says "When are you going to get your paperwork to Suzie??" She is our Legal aid person doing the divorce paperwork. I told her that I will have it by the end of the week as I have to call creditors to get current balances.

D14 came downstairs with her stuff, gave me a pleasant "Bye Dad!" and as they left she said "I'll see you at the school at 8 tomorrow".

Man, it is so hard to talk to her sometimes when she takes everything I say as criticism. It's easier to just not say anything.

I suspect that D14 dumped a lot of stuff on her, and some of it was related to me and mistakes I made. So she has a lot of resentment towards me. Maybe a year from now she'll be beyond that. Tomorrow morning with the school counselor will be loads of fun.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I suspect that D14 dumped a lot of stuff on her, and some of it was related to me and mistakes I made.

So I imagine she has a lot of resentment towards me.

: )

Hell Frank maybe you burnt the toast the last time you made it for her.

Maybe a year from now she'll be beyond that.

Maybe...

Some people hold onto grudges like they were security blankets.

Maybe you'll be beyond caring.

As for the critizing?

If you did it on purpose then shame on you...pointless, as it stands I didn't see it that way and maybe she should start being more on time, although leopards and spots man...leopards and spots.

[frank_D]

: )

Hell Frank maybe you burnt the toast the last time you made it for her.

Maybe I 'imagine' too much. WTFK's (Who The Fook Knows)

Maybe a year from now she'll be beyond that.

Maybe...

Some people hold onto grudges like they were security blankets.

Maybe you'll be beyond caring.

As for the critizing?

If you did it on purpose then shame on you...pointless, as it stands I didn't see it that way and maybe she should start being more on time, although leopards and spots man...leopards and spots.

I didn't do it on purpose. Really. She was perturbed that D14 wasn't ready to go - even though she was 20 minutes late and COULD have called D14 like she usualy would. I casually pointed out that she didn't follow her usual protocol and got lambasted for it.

I talked to brother in law and he reminded me of a few things.

* When she doesn't call D14 in advance so she can 'be ready' for pickup, it's because she wants to come to the front door knowing that I will answer the door.

* She has two modes she is in then. Either she is ready to be insulted by anything I say, or she is 'sweet and nice' waiting for a response, which I don't give her any more.

During all of this I am doing my best to stay neutral. This is not personal, nor is she attacking me. It's just MLC / Runaway stuff. And I will give her the financial info this week.

I need to end this cycle. I still love her, like we all do. I need to remove myself from the drama. We will get divorced. It's a requirement for the construction of my new life.