you've only been posting for a few weeks and maybe only seriously db'ing for half of that, you are still making mistakes on a quasi-daily basis.
- is your wife allowed to resolve this in her head? Does it have to be resolved on your schedule or hers? Yes living in limbo sucks, no doubt about it.
- What have you done for her lately? - Do you come off with the type of body language that shows you are needy and need stuff from her everyday? You might be communicating this physically if not verbally.
Let her be, you be you.
Getting a life, 180's, limiting contact, going out regularly, start buying yourself new clothes, new shoes, get a new hairstyle, get to a gym, start looking fresh - you still sound like the old you and I don't even know you but that's what is communicated here.
Another 2x4 for you.
Have you apologized to her? Have you said sorry properly?
Saying sorry is one thing but when you apologized did you say it so that you felt her pain that was caused by your actions towards her? It's a good exercise to do personally and then when you're ready, sit her down.
When you say sorry to her, you have to touch her heart, you have to say it in a way that you get inside her heart, feel her pain, understand her and her resentment towards you, and after when you've done that, ask her for forgiveness, not today or tomorrow but when she is ready to forgive you and then tell her you require nothing from her and that you aren't telling her sorry to score brownie points, you're doing it because you're genuine because maybe she doesn't feel or know the genuine you anymore. Maybe you don't know that person either.
I get it, you enjoy cuddling, touching her physically and being with her physically and the times you have felt like that with her, you may have rec'd some short term benefit from it but were you fulfilled, did you get everything you needed out of that experience? I'm guessing probably not because something is missing. Her reciprocation, her returning that feeling and she can't do that now from the place she is in.
She's hurt, confused, lost, can't make a decision and doesn't know what to do but she feels like maybe she needs to get away from you.
Being a good husband means making her feel like a good wife and instead of focusing on what she doesn't do for you, have you focused on what she does do for you?
Seriously saying sorry in a manner that really touches her heart and tells her that you finally understand her struggle is one of the hardest things to do but it's also something that needs to be done but very rarely ever gets done.
Be what you want her to be because I guarantee you, you're not what you want her to be to you.
Another thing that is killing marriages/relationships: expectations. You expect her to be a certain way and you are communicating to her that you don't accept her as she is currently, verbally and through body language and she can't reciprocate to you what you aren't doing for her. You want her to accept you and take care of you and love you and be close to you but are you doing those things for her really? Be honest. Do you accept her as she is right now? Do you love her the way she is right now. She can't accept you because you don't accept her the way she is right now and I know that the distance between the 2 of you sucks and it hurts and you want her to love you again the way she used to but she isn't in a place in her life that allows for that. When you touch her, does she feel like it's a loving touch or a physical sexual touch, both are important but I would wager a guess that for you, you do the latter, you don't make her feel loved without wanting to grope her and get some sexual satisfaction from it.
Give her time, space and accept her as she is.
Be a great person for yourself, have low to no expectations of her, pull back a little, having high expectation of how things should be is alot of pressure on you & her. Pull back! I'm telling you, pull back! You're crowding her, she needs time & space to heal from whatever hurt she is feeling. You need to heal too, you need to spend some time with a counsellor for yourself personally and explain all of this and what you're feeling and you need to learn a way to cope with your feelings, cope with how you feel things "should be", cope with the neediness, cope with the insecurity, copy with the clinginess.
You need some space too, you need to re-evaluate your life and get what you want in life that doesn't require her.
Lovingly detach from her, be a great person in her life, imagine the way you want her to be with you and be that person for her, do it for a week, and then 2 weeks and then 4 weeks and so & so forth. I guarantee you it's harder than you think to pull this off and this is exactly what you want from her.
You want something from her, give it to her first.
I hope some of this got through to you, it's one of the most important things you'll ever need to learn here.
Today marks 6 weeks since I came back to this site in an attempt to bust our divorce for a second time. I think it would be good for me to try to do a state of the union as objectively as possible.
Goals Met And Other Good Things:
1. My wife is back in our house. 2. I am back in our bed. 3. There has been a couple of cuddles and hugs. 4. She has called me a few times while I am at work. 5. She has invited me to go grocery shopping etc with her. 6. We speak to each other fairly "normally" at times 7. There has been no R talk and she has made no comments about proceeding beyond where we are at this time.
Goals Not Met and Negative Things:
1. Still no good bye hug when she leaves before me in morning. 2. I have not received "a touch" for no reason as part of daily life. 3. No intimacy of any kind. We live like roommates. 4. Wife seems angry at times and very distant. 5. That "feeling" is still there - sometimes I swear I can feel her resentment, anger and frustration. 6. I believe she would be gone if there was an easy way out. 7. She is cold to me most of the time.
So...I suppose things are where they should be expected 6 weeks in. As for me personally, I am far more calm and focused than I was. I am prepared for any outcome and have even thought of the possible good things in a new life as a single man. I am taking better care of myself and doing things I enjoy.
We are still planning on going away for XMAS as usual, so I know nothing major will happen until after that. That means I have at least 3 months to continue my db efforts. Later today I am going to think over the last 6 weeks and re-focus and make sure my work is in the right direction.
Robx - I made my post above without seeing your post first. Not sure why I didn't see it.
I have been really trying to care for her. As noted, she is having several health issues and I have done literally everything I can do to help. I even managed to get a new family doctor - a feat that is virtually impossible here in Ontario. And yes, I have done all this expecting nothing in return. Really. I must say if actually feels good to do good with no expectations.
I agree that a genuine apology is needed. I just don't think she is ready to really hear it yet. I'm not afraid to do it, I just want to make sure it's done at the right time. It will be genuine, as I know I really am sorry for my past behaviour. Things I said and did made a woman who adored me, no longer want to be near me. That's a tough thing to accept, but it's true.
I am having a tough time finding the right line between giving her space and trying to be there for her while she is ill, her grandmother is dying and she is very stressed at work.
I don't think I am seeming needy anymore. I don't even feel as needy as I did. I will pay more attention to my body language.
Thanks for stopping by. I always appreciate your blunt approach.
you've only been posting for a few weeks and maybe only seriously db'ing for half of that, you are still making mistakes on a quasi-daily basis.
- is your wife allowed to resolve this in her head? Does it have to be resolved on your schedule or hers? Yes living in limbo sucks, no doubt about it.
- What have you done for her lately? - Do you come off with the type of body language that shows you are needy and need stuff from her everyday? You might be communicating this physically if not verbally.
Let her be, you be you.
Getting a life, 180's, limiting contact, going out regularly, start buying yourself new clothes, new shoes, get a new hairstyle, get to a gym, start looking fresh - you still sound like the old you and I don't even know you but that's what is communicated here.
Another 2x4 for you.
Have you apologized to her? Have you said sorry properly?
Saying sorry is one thing but when you apologized did you say it so that you felt her pain that was caused by your actions towards her? It's a good exercise to do personally and then when you're ready, sit her down.
When you say sorry to her, you have to touch her heart, you have to say it in a way that you get inside her heart, feel her pain, understand her and her resentment towards you, and after when you've done that, ask her for forgiveness, not today or tomorrow but when she is ready to forgive you and then tell her you require nothing from her and that you aren't telling her sorry to score brownie points, you're doing it because you're genuine because maybe she doesn't feel or know the genuine you anymore. Maybe you don't know that person either.
I get it, you enjoy cuddling, touching her physically and being with her physically and the times you have felt like that with her, you may have rec'd some short term benefit from it but were you fulfilled, did you get everything you needed out of that experience? I'm guessing probably not because something is missing. Her reciprocation, her returning that feeling and she can't do that now from the place she is in.
She's hurt, confused, lost, can't make a decision and doesn't know what to do but she feels like maybe she needs to get away from you.
Being a good husband means making her feel like a good wife and instead of focusing on what she doesn't do for you, have you focused on what she does do for you?
Seriously saying sorry in a manner that really touches her heart and tells her that you finally understand her struggle is one of the hardest things to do but it's also something that needs to be done but very rarely ever gets done.
Be what you want her to be because I guarantee you, you're not what you want her to be to you.
Another thing that is killing marriages/relationships: expectations. You expect her to be a certain way and you are communicating to her that you don't accept her as she is currently, verbally and through body language and she can't reciprocate to you what you aren't doing for her. You want her to accept you and take care of you and love you and be close to you but are you doing those things for her really? Be honest. Do you accept her as she is right now? Do you love her the way she is right now. She can't accept you because you don't accept her the way she is right now and I know that the distance between the 2 of you sucks and it hurts and you want her to love you again the way she used to but she isn't in a place in her life that allows for that. When you touch her, does she feel like it's a loving touch or a physical sexual touch, both are important but I would wager a guess that for you, you do the latter, you don't make her feel loved without wanting to grope her and get some sexual satisfaction from it.
Give her time, space and accept her as she is.
Be a great person for yourself, have low to no expectations of her, pull back a little, having high expectation of how things should be is alot of pressure on you & her. Pull back! I'm telling you, pull back! You're crowding her, she needs time & space to heal from whatever hurt she is feeling. You need to heal too, you need to spend some time with a counsellor for yourself personally and explain all of this and what you're feeling and you need to learn a way to cope with your feelings, cope with how you feel things "should be", cope with the neediness, cope with the insecurity, copy with the clinginess.
You need some space too, you need to re-evaluate your life and get what you want in life that doesn't require her.
Lovingly detach from her, be a great person in her life, imagine the way you want her to be with you and be that person for her, do it for a week, and then 2 weeks and then 4 weeks and so & so forth. I guarantee you it's harder than you think to pull this off and this is exactly what you want from her.
You want something from her, give it to her first.
I hope some of this got through to you, it's one of the most important things you'll ever need to learn here.
Yeah, what's up? Is Rob start to get all warm and fuzzy on us?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't have the time to go back and pull specifics. It was just my general impression; others may disagree. You just seem VERY disappointed when your wife doesn't respond to your words and actions, and it comes across as "clingy" to me (and I'm not the only one that has used that word on your thread).
If I get a chance, I'll try to go back and pull a couple of specifics; I'm not trying to be obtuse.
Maybe general impression is actually more important than specifics. Those specifics wouldn't exist in my daily life, but the general impression may - and that is not a good thing.
I suppose I still have not really detached. And as long as I don't I will be looking for responses from my wife. Time for some real honest soul searching. The work continues.....
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