I am failing to see any significant changes in you, Tristan. Your wife left, she has had some time to think, she came over for a couple of date nights, talked a little bit, agreed to marriage conselling (which I still think is a bad idea in your situation) but you are still allowing her to control your thoughts. You are still obsessing over her. Why?
She gained some freedom to make changes for herself but you appear to be remaining stagnant. This is not going to make for a successful recovery of your marital issues. She is going to continue to see you as the same needy Tristan if you continue to base your happiness on whether she comes home or not. Remember this OM has been waiting in the wings for over 2 years he is not going to disappear. Chances are he will ramp up his persausion when he notices her spending more time with you. As they say around here, you need to outshine this other man. Will talking about marriage conselling and the good ol' times be enough?
Maybe you need more time away from her to work on yourself. To realize you cannot base your happiness on being with someone else. Have you been going to the gym? Have you done something as masculine as colliding with another soccer player during a match. As Puppy suggests, "do something dramatically different." What caused your wife to lose attraction for you? Do what you need to do to get that back and maintain it. Honey, I love you and I miss you; will not be enough.
Hopefully, your goal is not just to get your wife back. Because, she can leave again at anytime. She has already proven she has no hestitation doing so. Right?
totally agree Steve, tristan it seems that every action & every thought process seems to be in reaction to what your wife is doing - seriously aren't you exhausted by that yet? Take a break from having to do things in reaction to whatever she is doing.
You are allowed a life at this point, enjoy it, if she always knows you're waiting around for her, she will feel secure (and lazy) to take her time when it comes to you, why are you giving her that gift? I can't see how she's earned it.
Yes she has come around, you've had a few dates, you've been physically intimate but you do notice she holds herself back every now & then. She is testing you, and you need to view most of whatever she is doing right now as a test.
Is this the same old tristan she is used to and if so, this is nice now but I'm going to get bored again real soon.
You aren't the same old tristan, you're version 2.0 - better, smarter, stronger
She just went away on a weekend trip without you and the kids, when is the last time you went away by yourself to visit a friend or family for the weekend?
You're allowed you know ;-)
As for the posts above regarding that email, she went away, let her come back and say hi to you, let her be curious about you & the kids.
Consensus is no e-mail. I think I have been changing. I know it doesn't sound like on here, but this is where I come to get relief from my thoughts. I find it easy to spew here rather than keeping it bottled up inside. Thanks for listening. The fact is, I haven't contacted W since she started pulling back. I don't believe I have pursued. I will take the advice and wait for her to come back to me (if she does). I did go away alone for a weekend shortly after the seperation. I have played soccer a couple of times. I run, I prefer the outdoors to the gym. I can tell that I am slowly getting a better handle on my feelings; but they don't just go away overnight.
Have you guys ever taken the Meyers-Briggs test? I am an INTJ, which means I naturally have laser-like focus on ONE thing. In some situations, like my profession as a software developer, this is a quite a talent. I have found that in this one, however, it has caused nothing but heart-ache.
Speaking of INTJs, I went to Wikipedia and found this: "Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel ... This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals ... Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense."
We have an MC session set up for the 15th. The MC just called and said there is a cancelation for tomorrow, would we like to reschedule? Do I call W and ask? I am guessing no, but just checking.
If it moved it up substantially sooner (several weeks), then I'd say yeah -- no problem, as it's really just "business/logistics" type of household issue. But considering the new tack we're trying to get you to take here, and since it would only move it up a week, I'd say no, personally.
or, better yet (and just so she doesn't learn about the offer later, and say "Why didn't you tell me MC could meet us sooner?"), shoot her a text that says "FYI, MC just called and wanted to know if we could move up to tomorrow aft. Tom. doesn't work for me, as I have another appt., but I'm looking forward to our session next week. - Tristan"
Hope you enjoyed the trip. Just wanted to let you know the marriage counselor called and said he had an opening tomorrow. I can’t make it then, so I told him to keep it on the 15th. The girls did well this past weekend.
-Tristan
--W---------------------------------------------
Hi there,
I am back… The trip was very nice. Arizona is so beautiful and the Grand Canyon was just that GRAND and magnificent. It was a really great experience; it is such great place for meditation. I think I had my best meditation ever… I feel so close to God, strange for me to say since I haven’t felt him/her in so long. I am glad that you and the girls did well this weekend. Thanks for taking care of them. I really needed to get away…
Regarding the counseling, the 15th works for me. Tomorrow is too soon to get the time off.
Once again, thanks!! W
--M-------------------------------------
I am very happy for you! I need to ask you about your birthday. Are you still up to going out for a bit that evening? And what about the carseat?
Thanks, -Tristan
--W-------------------------------
Thanks!
Re my birthday, it would be nice to go out if you are still up to doing that…
Do you have the car seat?
--M-------------------------------
I guess you didn’t check your text messages.
Yes, I forgot the car seat in the Rendezvous. It’s up to you on what you would like me to do? I can get it back home by 6:00 today.
I am up for going out on Saturday. I have a place we can go.
--W---------------------------
I don’t have text messaging in my work phone, remember???
Yes, I need the car seat however; I could ask daycare friend if you are not able to get there on time. Just let me know.
Great! I am looking forward to it.
--------------------------------
So at this point I called to figure out what to do with the carseat. We decided at that point we could go out to eat. We met at my place where we greeted each other with hugs and kisses. So take the 2x4 to my head, it seems I was obsessing over nothing this past weekend.
During the dinner we were talking about W's trip. And she asks "Is Texas like Arizona?" This is relevant because we have an option to move to Texas for my work. We seriously considered it earlier this summer partly because she wanted to get away from OM. D5: "When are we going to move to Texas?"
W's eyes tear up.
M:"You OK?" W: <Shaking her head yes> "Its just we would be there right now if it weren't for me." M: "Do you want to talk about it?" W: "Later."
We go back to her place and I help put them to bed. W gave me a present from the trip; an Indian ceramic plate with a turtle etched in it. I have hung it up in my bedroom. After putting the girls to bed we sit on the sofa. I wait for her tosay something. W: "Do you believe in God?" M: "Yes. I sort of need too." W: "I'm beginning to believe again too. Do you pray?" M: "Yes." W: "What do you pray about?" M: "I pray for you. Me. The Girls. Us." W: "Do you want to pray?" - she holds her hands out for mine M: <Stumbling> "Sure. I um.." W: "You have never prayed out loud?" M: "Not really." W: "I'll start."
She thanks God for everything she has; life, me, the girls, a wonderful famiily. The asks for the strength to be a good mom, a good wife, and to keep the family together. She says "I really want to keep this family together. Please, please heal my mind." Her hands clinching mine, her voice trembling, tears were rolling down both our faces. I prayed for God to give me strength to be a better man, for him to help W find happiness, and for the girls. I really hope there is someone out there listening; because we could really use the help.
We hug. Then M: "Are you OK, you seem different since the end of last week." W: "You noticed?" M: "Just a bit." W: "I am really depressed." <pauses with scared look> "I am having thoughts of killing myself. Don't worry, I won't do it. I wouldn't do that to the girls." M: "You know you can always call me. It doesn't need to be me. Call anyone." W: "I know. Don't worry. I won't do it." M: "Have you talked to IC?" W: "No, not in a while. I think I need a new one. I am in no better place now than when I started with her." M: "What about psych?" W: "No, but I will make an appointment." M: "Is this the deepest one in a while?" W: "Yes. It's been a long time." ... W: "I was walking in the airport and saw a guy that looked like you. He was with a lady with long dark curly hair" (W has long dark curly hair) "and he was caressing her back the same way you caress mine. I had to run to the bathroom for a while because I couldn't stop crying. I thought 'I would die if I ever saw you like that with another woman.' Anyway, I went through all of this to say I love you."
I am worried. She has had thoughts of killing herself on and off throughout our marriage, but I have always been in the same house. It is completely different when I know she is alone.
The night ended nicely. We talked about some lighter things. Kissed each other good night.
M: "Have a good night." W: "You too. Try to stay warm." M: <pause and look back with smile> "You know it would be easier if there were someone in my bed." W: <smiles and shoos me away and closes the door> W: <opens the door> "pssst." M: "Hmm" W: "Maybe on Saturday."
