Do I even care what happens anymore?

[Buttercup37]

Has anyone else noticed that sometimes their H or W seems to get all sniffly and sigh...like if you were doing it would mean you're trying to breathe a certain way to keep from crying. H first started doing this a week or so after the bomb - asked him one night if he was okay and he said he just had a little stuffed nose or cold or something. I know he has no cold and he's been doing this for weeks now out of the blue. Sometimes after we have a nice family moment. I don't react or ask anymore if he's okay but was wondering if anyone has noticed this? Does this mean he's feeling what he's doing and is thinking about things or is this him quietly taking steps towards moving out?

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi Buttercup Im sure things get to them in some way or another its whether or not they allow us to see it! and if we accidently catch a glimpse they are sure to deny all knowledge of it.. My H keeps giving me glimpses of him wanting to love me and be with me but "runaway teenage teddy throwing boy" is still visible so I cant push things! Just keep taking it steady, as they say it takes a long while for us all to get in this mess so dont be surprised it takes a long to sort it out, although I do know how hard it is not to be impatient!

[aflowergurlie]

Hey BC - Seems like there must have been something in the atmosphere last week as I too was struggling with negativity/depression/anger/jealousy more than I have in quite a long time.

My H started his own laundry thing months ago when we were still sharing a bathroom and closet. His wasn't out of trying to send me a message for doing more around the house though, as I was already regularly doing all the laundry and housecleaning. His was more out of a "I'm living my own life, want to be a man and take care of everything for myself" sort of logic. Even though I knew it meant he was distancing from me in yet one more way and it hurt, I never said a word about it and he never said anything either. Plus, I was constantly faced with his new clothing and underwear of the life that I had dreamed of, all the things I had wanted and asked him to do/be with me, that he is now doing/being with OW.

Now, he has his own hamper in his bedroom and has been doing all his own laundry since then. And to be honest, it has been definitely easier doing laundry now because he usually had the majority of clothes that had to be done. So, maybe you can see the positive in it for lessening your work-load if he continues doing it himself. Only exception was for last week when H asked me to help him fold his laundry for the first time since he started doing it all on his own. Go figure?

I'm going to try to implement some more things off of your list of the things you've been doing that have been producing positive results. Thanks for the tips.

[LuLu]

You did so well especially with the STB D dad, that must have been awkward! I am also going to implement some things off of your list. Hope you have a great week.

[Buttercup37]

Thanks guys! You are probably right about the laundry. It's H's way to assert his independance now but it began a long time ago and I do believe it began with some judgement of my performance around the house. (I'm sure he's justified and you know what, so am I.) But I stated my feelings and I'm glad to get it out. If he keeps doing his own laundry, I'm not going to say anything about it again.

Talk about the universe speaking...it has been screaming at him!! Last night we were watching some shows he likes and ALL of them had mixed in storylines about marriage problems/affairs/seperation/forgiveness etc! Family Guy's storylines were SO relevent to us last night-LOL! Then an ad came on for that new Step-Father slasher movie! I am sticking with not saying anything about all this stuff the universe is telling him - he can make up his own mind. I do appreciate the universe though trying to at least let him know there are 2 sides to these problems and his decisions will have serious future ramifications.

Well H did come to bed last night about 3am. It was very nice to know he was in bed next to me. Now that I am putting the focus on GALing and beginning to fill the emotional needs of mine that he rarely met...I'm better able to handle him sleeping in the same bed - I don't feel so lonely about it.

Some more things that seem to get positive responses from H:
* Letting him watch sports (not complaining or making him feel guilty) and sitting in the same room doing something else but kinda paying half attention to the game so I can respond if he says something about the game. Even reminding him or asking him if an important game is on that night.
* Lots of thank yous - I try to thank him for day-to-day things that in the past I wouldn't have - like making the kid's lunch or picking up something from the store.
* Not pursuing but doing considerate things for him (I see this as kind of another way to back up the sincereness of my thank yous) Picking up his favorite beer at the store. Asking him if he needs anything when I go to the store. When I buy our coffee, I always like one blend but he likes to try different blends to adding in some other types of coffees. None of it is really big gestures...just looking for small ways to show he matters.
* I am slowly being more flirty and enjoying that I am a sexual person. (I'm no model but I can honestly say men find me VERY sexy. I suppress that side of me due to H's insecurities for a long time. I think because H was not treating me with the romance & love I deserved, it would be too easy that even though I loved H to be swept away eventually by one of the many guys out there who were more than willing to show me they appreciated me. I knew I was vulnerable to an affair years ago so I started gaining weight, not showing my sexy side as much, and letting myself go more to mom-mode to save the marriage... it really did help avoid an affair but did NOT stop other men's interest cold!) So H seems interested in this new, sexiness that he hasn't seen in awhile...but I don't know if he realizes this is not to get him back. This is for me....and yes, other men are noticing! I went to a gay club a few weeks ago with a group of about 5 other friends (they have a cross-dressing show there - it's something different - sometimes local college kids go there to prove they are 'hip', whatever.) Gay club...should be pretty safe, right? Well out of the six of us, a guy tried to pick me up! He talked a good talk and had tons of compliments to say about me (you're beautiful, etc) I was very nice to him but told him I wasn't looking for anything right now.

Good lord, what is going to happen when I go out to a normal bar or nightclub?? Now that H has taken away his love...if I met a good looking, nice guy who really, truly appreciated me and did some serious pursuing - would I really have the strength at this point to keep walking away? I guess right now the answer is 'yes'....for now.

[Buttercup37]

Oh and tonight I have a counseling appointment. I've decided this is going to be my last one. I'm not going to MC on my own anymore and frankly as an IC option, this women is nice but she doesn't have the DB-perspective that would really be helpful to me. So when I tell H that I have the appt later on, I'll tell him it's my last one. I would cancel appt right now but they have that whole 24/48 hour stupid cancelation thing. If I'm getting charged, might as well have her listen to me.

This is my 180 of learning how to not be the person who fixes and sacrifices for this marriage anymore!

[LuLu]

Good for you! I think it's hard to not go into Mom-mode. I think most of us become self-less when we have children and we put ourselves on the back burner. As for that hottie coming your way, you'll figure it out when it happens.

This is my 180 of learning how to not be the person who fixes and sacrifices for this marriage anymore!

I think I can take a lesson or two in this myself but is it anti-db'ing?

[LuLu]

Nevermind, I didn't realize that you were going to MC alone. I don't blame you one bit.

[Buttercup37]

Well I "broke up" with my MC today! Actually she was pretty cool about it and agreed I was doing very good emotionally - and that it takes two to work on a marriage. I'll miss her but know that this is the right step to take.

No drastic next steps planned - just going to keep focusing on my kids and myself. And pick up the accessories I need for the very sexy costume I got from Fredrick's of Hollywood for the annual Halloween party we go to. (Need to add a few things to make it safe for non-bedroom-wear!) Let H look at that cake behind the glass...cause he's not going to be eating any!

[Lost Rabbit]

Atta girl BC, I do think we all fall into the trap of either mum mode/secure wife mode.. Honestly I think it should be statutory for all potential newlyweds to read DB and 5LL's and read a bit of this board.. OMG do we not realise how easy it is to slip down the wrong cheeseless tunnel when we dont even know were going up it!

Halloween costume sounds fab if not a tad naughty lol! Halloween is getting bigger over here but tbh majority of the uk see it as "begging with menaces" but I think thats personally because the kids picked up with the idea long before the parents did..