Sounds like it is all still progressing along nicely. All this past weekend I have been thinking of you and what you have done and it certainly inspired me as far as really injecting a bit more spark again in my R over the weekend. Hope work quietens down a bit for you soon though.
After the work week from heck, I took the weekend off.
H and I have a movie date for later this evening - his instigation and it was couched in terms of, "I'd like to spend some time with you Sunday evening. Are you free for a movie?"
We've been having little bits and pieces of R talks throughout the weekend, but they don't feel heavy or serious. Not at all 'We Need To Talk.' Sometimes they feel a bit cautious and timid, but in a good way.
Today we went to the Avocado Festival, ate pizza in the local pizza parlor, strolled the local downtown, listened to music, turned kidlet loose in a candy shop, browsed a used bookstore and bought some lovely, imported French and Portuguese hand-made soaps.
H did the 5 LL test and he comes out almost even on everything but AoS, which is quite low. He was 8 on PT, tied for 7 on AoS and QT, 6 on gifts, and almost nada on AoS. We talked some more about 5LL in general, and I even think I see some understanding and some changes in him.
He's been much more pro-actively affectionate, too, not just responsively affectionate. Its interesting in that it provokes some of *my* fears about being open and vulnerable, but I'm handling those just fine.
Regarding gifts, there's a question where you have to pick between something like, "I always love to hear my W say she loves me," and "I still get excited when I open a gift from my W." H picked the gifts option, which I found really surprising.
Dia: Can I ask you about this? You know I'm only not saying it because I don't want to pressure you, right? Is this really how it is (preferring gifts), or is it that you just haven't heard it much from me lately?
H: That one was really hard because they're so close. I can't say which it is, really. And yes, I do love to hear it.
Then I told him that last time we'd been snuggling under the covers, the words would have been rolling off my tongue over and over if I hadn't been holding them back.
The next morning, he got out of bed first while I was still drowsing. He leaned over, kissed my hair and whispered, "I *do* love you."
We've also had interesting talks about assertiveness, communication, chores and future planning.
Assertiveness - I was trying to plan a trip to Disney w/kidlet. H didn't want to go, said it seemed like too much expense and hassle. If the goal was family time, perhaps we could go to the aquarium in Long Beach which costs less and wouldn't require an overnight in a hotel. I said that sounded great. It would be an adventure since I'd never been there.
H was immensely relieved. He said he was terrified of disappointing me or causing conflict, but that he'd gotten a lot more assertive in the past few years. I said that communication and assertiveness were good things, and we needed both. If I was dissappointed, I'd let him know - but really, not going to D-land wasn't going to crumble my world, ya know? Besides, if I wanted to go that badly, I could always take kidlet and go w/o him - would that bother him?
He said no, it wouldn't. Then more talk about assertiveness, communication and avoiding resentment. It was a *really* good talk.
And at the end of it, we'd agreed on a) the trip to the Long Beach AQ, b) a trip in early Nov. for just me and kidlet to see my grandfather and some extended family with a possible Disney visit on the tail end, and c) that I would have the afternoon free to visit the not-so-local casino before our movie date.
I ended up bailing on the casino as it's an hour drive each way. That's when we hatched the plan to hit the Avocado Festival instead. And re: 5LL - kidlet was asking to do something as a family, and in particular, he said he wanted to do something 'interactive', something 'we can talk about afterward.' QT anyone?
Ok, so there's the weekend in a nutshell. I lurked in most of your sitches before I posted, and I hope to be able to make some comments therein tomorrow!
Gotta run - I have a date!
Last edited by Dia; 10/05/0903:15 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
DIA, quick question, is the LL test in the book? I downloaded the electronic version and have not come to it it yet. I would love to try and figure out what my WAW's LL is. Although I thihgh it is PT, I am not sure. Is it even possible for us to do the test on behalf of our WAS to figure that out?
Thanks!
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Hey Shellshocked, I can answer that one for you since I just saw your question come up here. Hope that's ok, Dia. Saves you waiting a few hours, SS!
The test is in the book right at the back. I did the test on behalf of my WAS to determine his LL. I used the test, together with the things he did for me in the good times and the things I heard him criticise me for not doing (cos I knew those things were obviously important to him.) I think I got a pretty accurate idea of his LL's.
Yep, what Cas said. And sure, you can do it for your WAS. It's always possible that it won't be entirely accurate, but if your WAS won't take it, what're you gonna do?
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Thanks Dia for keeping us updated! Great to hear about how you guys are fitting in all these important discussions during the day without making it a big deal. The assertiveness thing is interesting. H has become much more assertive now. I'm sure he'd assume I'd be upset about that but honestly I like this new quality - him not being that way was an issue for us for years! I'm a strong woman and I need a man who can be strong but kind (not a jerk of course.) We also had a vacation discussion shortly after the bomb that sounds very similar to yours and resolved in a similar calm way.
I'm really grateful that I am having all these opportunities to "try a different way" with so many small conflicts because he hasn't moved out yet....but not letting it get me over hopeful....I just don't know what is going on in his mind!
