THanks, everyone. Yeah, there was today (as every day) a lot of "did you take care of this? Why didn't you take care of that? I know such and such wouldn't get done." It's absolutely demeaning. I'm way less organized than he is and he is an extremely anal retentive type a. I know I should be more on top of things, but it seems I'm always behind on something and he gets on my case.
Today was a more positive day, however, in that we TALKED about the things that needed to be done in a relatively calm way. Anyone who knows my sitch knows that H usually blasts me with anger and criticism, then blocks any talks. He actually stayed relatively calm and I kept validating and listening - "you're right", "thank you for the reminder" and eventually had to say what Mongoose suggested - "I'm working on these things and I appreciate the reminders and try to see that in the big picture, I am being more organized." H went off on a lecture as to why "the real world" works on deadlines with no slack - a constant criticism that I'm not in the "real world". Very hurtful. H said it would be a better role model for Z if I were more organized. I had to explain that for the one or two things he notices that slipped through the cracks, I'm organizing my son and my life every day. I get a lot of things done.
Well it was still hurtful that he is so unforgiving, but I did stand up for myself and then I just dropped it. Sure I need to work on being more organized. H needs to work on being more flexible and forgiving as well.
eb- you and I need a lot more of the Love Must Be Tough method. As a matter of fact sounds like your going out a lot the past few days is having a good effect in your M. Great job. I'm going to do the same.
OK, new start people. I need to up the ante. I need to do more looking good, being upbeat and postive, not letting him get to the negative relationship talks he tries to bait me into. I need to show I'm doing fine without him so he doesn't feel he can treat me like crap. Love Must Be Tough!
Monday -= he's coming over to have his night with S. I am going out for a couple hours, then I'm going to come home and look good and just keep it upbeat. I got about a c+ on that today, but could have done a lot better.
eb- you and I need a lot more of the Love Must Be Tough method. As a matter of fact sounds like your going out a lot the past few days is having a good effect in your M. Great job. I'm going to do the same.
I haven't gotten too much from the Tough Love book so far. Honestly, I have seen the most significant changes in my sitch by being compassionate. I have told W that I can't imagine how difficult this is for her. I've told her that I am trying my best to understand. I've done more around the house and I've tried to stay out of the baited fights.
I don't know if it's tough love but I think that Coach really hit it head on with setting Boundaries. When I told my W the other day that I was preparing for her to be gone by developing a new life for myself (going out with friends etc.) I didn't do it in a mean manner at all. In fact, it was done with somewhat of a "Well, if you want to know the truth, I am trying to prepare myself for when you are gone. I had wanted my life to be our life together. With you leaving though, I realize that it's not turning out that way. I don't want to come home to an empty home and sit here by myself so I am developing a new life for myself." It was said with no anger or resentment at all. I set a boundary on going to her new place in a similar way too. Something along the lines of "I can't see myself having any interest in going to your place. This is a place that you will have chosen for your new life specifically to get away from me. It would be way to difficult for me to ever be comfortable spending time there."
It may not come across in typing, but it was said in a very gentle manner after months of being very compassionate and putting a lot of personal pride aside. I'm not saying that I disrespected myself, but I have made a point to evaluate my pride at times to see if it's rational.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
OK, new start people. I need to up the ante. I need to do more looking good, being upbeat and postive, not letting him get to the negative relationship talks he tries to bait me into. I need to show I'm doing fine without him so he doesn't feel he can treat me like crap. Love Must Be Tough!
Monday -= he's coming over to have his night with S. I am going out for a couple hours, then I'm going to come home and look good and just keep it upbeat. I got about a c+ on that today, but could have done a lot better.
Sounds like a great plan. I know it takes some effort, but just don't let him bait you into an argument. That's exactly what he wants b/c (a) that's how he communicates his unhappiness and (b) it helps him justify what he is feeling - "see, I am right to want to leave."
H went off on a lecture as to why "the real world" works on deadlines with no slack - a constant criticism that I'm not in the "real world". Very hurtful. H said it would be a better role model for Z if I were more organized. I had to explain that for the one or two things he notices that slipped through the cracks, I'm organizing my son and my life every day. I get a lot of things done.
Hope,
I may have missed this in your earlier posts- what does your H do for a living? Sounds like he is bringing his work home with him by making comments like that. What kind of role model is he referring to? The drill sergeant at boot camp role model? Good grief! I feel for you. BTW, I second what GIMA said above. Take care.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
\ what does your H do for a living? Sounds like he is bringing his work home with him by making comments like that. What kind of role model is he referring to? The drill sergeant at boot camp role model? Good grief! I feel for you. BTW, I second what GIMA said above. Take care.
Well that is an interesting point, BJ. He works for himself - he's a genius computer programmer. He works from home (wherever that is lately). Lately, he works until all hours of the night. Work never ends for him. I don't know if it's to pay for his new apt or just to keep busy.
I have wondered if it is a workaholic syndrome to avoid feelings or if he is truly that overburdened with work. I have a lot of empathy - he is a reliable provider and hard worker. However, he also admitted tonight that his stress levels have gotten so high he is thinking of going to a psychiatrist for a prescription to tranquilizers.
He has always had this anxiety problem - overly perfectionistic, over achiever - heck it's one of the reasons I fell in love with him early on - he accomplishes so much. However, lately I have come to feel so shut out by it all and he can't see the forest for the trees as he complains he never gets a second off. Is he just hiding from himself and his pain? I don't know.
On the other hand, he is the main breadwinner (I am the main homemaker and parent, and make about 15-20% of our income) so I understand the financial pressure is on his shoulders. I just wish he could relax sometimes and let his guard down. He can't just do it around me - he can't do it much at all.
Hope - I finally made it back to a computer. I'll finally be able to follow up on the links that you posted a couple of days back on my thread (games and article).
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
EB Welcome back! How are you doing? Sounds good that you are getting out and GALing!
So - update. Things went pretty well last night with my new attitude. I was positive and upbeat when H came home. He was late and on the phone and the old me would have felt resentment - I just dealt with it, fed S, played with S until H was on the phone, said "no problem."
When I got home, I kept to myself and felt good. Then we had a big talk. H is getting a bigger apt with a lease. I stayed positive and told him I support him in doing what he needs to do to be happy. That was positive, esp. since the whole thing panics me to no end. I did voice that it scares me a little, but he was receptive.
Then more about the sep. papers. I did not handle that so well. I started to get emomtional and said why is he doing this is if he's nor ready for a D. etc. H was very calm and explained his thinking to me again, kind of a reminder of what he already had told me. It was positive that he was so calm and talked and listened. We stopped talking after a while.
Then back to Mr. Hyde. In a flash, he turns to me and yells about how I've taken up his time and he had hours of work to do and now it's bedtime and he shouldn't have to repeat himself to me and this is why he hates coming home. Then yelled about the carpet and why does he have to take care of everything and why can't I do anything.
Positive is that I stayed calm and just validated him. Offered to let him sleep in while I get up S in the morning.
The negative - what I need to work on - is that I told myself I would stay up beat and positive and I lost it. I should have just faked it and stopped myself and supporting his new apt and not getting into the talk of the legal sep. This opened the door to him making me feel worse after feeling better.
But I'll learn - be more positive next time. Keep these R talks to a minimum.
Also, I need to remember that when he has work to do, I just need to give him space. He won't be supportive when he's stressed about work.
The problem is, he is almost always working. Oh well. Space. Give him space.
