Last night, kids and I did a little more Halloween decorating, then we ordered dinner out and brought it home. Enjoyed our Family Movie Night Friday (a tradition for us for the past few months now). Nathan got to watch the season premier of his Star Wars: Clone Wars series, then Sydney got an I-Carly episode. We didn't do a 'real' movie this time.
We did all cuddle up in blankets on the living room floor though.
Got up this morning, made french toast for the kids. Dan texted at 8:30 for me to call him. Apparently our home phone is out...my mom said the same thing yesterday but I hadn't called the phone company yet.
Anyway he asked me what the plan was for the day...ummm it's your day so that would be up to you...
I didn't say that, just said I was leaving at 9:45 for my meeting. I took a class to become a High School Speech Association judge. Now I can judge individual and group speech events throughout the state. Fun! My high school speech coach was there along with a former classmate who now also coaches. I am looking forward to working my first event.
So I went to class, got back and he and the kids are gone. I have a birthday party in an hour. Then some cleaning/organizing. I am toying with the idea of booking a hotel for myself tonight. It is Dan's day today, and tomorrow, so I might tell him to keep them overnight...
Bbj, I tried the friendly approach, the year before last while at the same time I was telling him I was ready to divorce (you were there, remember?)... It may had the effect I wanted to create, doubts, second thoughts etc, but that was all it got me. I honestly believe if I had then at some point given him some tough love, things would have been different now...
Yes me and Bbj are stupid to be fighting for so long for 2 men that obviously dont deserve us. But we chose and loved these men and sometimes things are complicated in our heads and hearts. And I think we both have reached a point where our heads are being heard by our hearts. We realise they are not good for us and we are slowly taking the next step.
Despite of what I have said here many times before, I dont regret holding on to this relationship. Maybe I will, in ten years from now, but how can you regret being honest and true to your feelings?
Bbj, I know you dont want to divorce. But what else can you do? K
I read a book titled "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J Elliott that helped me and maybe might help you. Among other things, it talks about the importance of "no contact". Although that is not totally feasible if you have small children of course, it is full and really good insight and advice.
Take care!!
(((((hugs)))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
I think quite a few of us would benefit from this since we are unfortunatelly past the DB stage.
The No-Contact Rule
The most important no-no is No Contact. In this technological age, it is easy to reach out and touch someone. But that does not mean that you should or that it’s a good thing because when you are trying to get over a breakup, it’s not.
Don’t mistake grief for love. It’s normal and natural to grieve even if the relationship was the worst relationship in the world. Don’t let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings.
Even if you do still love him or her, you don’t have to act on it. You don’t have to make contact or find ways to see the other person. Grief is a long, hard process and often contact will seem like it temporarily alleviates the pain. But it does not really alleviate it; it just postpones the inevitable.
I had a great time at the birthday party. It was for a good cousin/friend of mine's kids. So several of my girl cousins were there. Since I 'outed' my separation at 4th of July, it was nice not to have to have a story anymore. They asked where the kids were and I told them it was Dan's day. One of my male cousins just caught his wife with her A partner a couple months ago and now he is divorcing her, so he understood the whole 'sharing the kids' thing.
None of my other cousins are divorced, but one was separated 4 months b/c she was having an A, then she saw the light and they got back together (also her H found out he had cancer which prompted her to come home).
Anyway it was nice talking to all of them and they came to the consensus that it was prob harder on me than the kids actually, us spending so much time together. I agreed...
So when I got home I texted Dan and asked if he would keep the kids overnight, he could stay at my house, and I would see them all at church the next day.
He replied "Yeah okay where are you headed?"
then
"Not being nosy, just curious"
So I replied that I didn't know where I was going, I just needed to clear my head. That prompted a couple of texts from him asking if I was okay and saying he was there if I wanted to talk.... I didn't reply to those.
So he and the kids got to the house as I was finishing up my suitcase. I told him I changed the sheets on my bed for him and he commented that the 'whole house is spotless', which is high praise considering he used to be bugged when it was a mess.
I went to Omaha and booked a night in a nice hotel, king sized bed, awesome mattress and down comforter. Heaven!!!
Dan texted asking where some of Nathan's meds were and then again telling me they were watching a movie and named the movie. I replied to tell him where the meds were but didn't reply to the other one.
I brought along a notebook, and got comfy in the bed. It had 6 or 7 pillows, awesome!
So then I wrote out all of my feelings about trying to be friends with Dan, which led me to the conclusion that I know how to be 'friends' with Dan. What I don't know how to do is to be 'JUST friends' with Dan. Of course it took me 15 pages of writing to get to that point...
I vented about the shitty things he has done to me, I told him that if he didn't want to be with me, then I didn't want him to be with me. But that it sucked for his reason to be that the 'spark' wasn't there and he couldn't find it. Because when you pour yourself into another woman, plus a job, plus cows, plus the kids, and don't give any of yourself to me, it is ridiculous to think the spark would still be there.
The grass is GREENER if you water it! If you don't, it dies...
So then I realized that if his 'spark' had faded b/c he wasn't pouring himself into me, then my spark was still strong b/c I was still giving him all of me. All except my body, which everybody here knows I would have given if he had asked.
So I have to give myself to other things besides Dan and my kids. And eventually, that means another man. Because I know we can hug our kids, but everyone knows that isn't the same as the touch of a lover, a true partner. I desire that romantic, intimate relationship. Right now, I don't have one, so I still look for, hope for, wish for that with Dan. But one day when I DO have that somewhere else, it will be easier for me to be 'just friends' with Dan. Because I won't be looking for him to be anything else...
BTW I did not share any of that with Dan, I wrote it all out for me, to get it out of my head.
Dan asked me after church if everything was ok, I told him it would be, I just had some 'snakes in my brain' (thanks for that one, Coach!) that I needed to work out. I headed out to run errands and when I got back, he and the kids were leaving our house. Dan rolled the window down to tell me where they were going. I just said have fun. Then he asked me if I was ever going to talk to him about the snakes, if I was going to share with him. At first I didn't know what he meant, then I made the connection.
I told him sometime we would have to talk about it but I didn't know when. And I drove on by.
Fantastic BBJ! You are doing all the right things as far as I'm concerned. Brilliant!
I know you will find that love someday and probably sooner than you think. Until then, fill your own love tanks by doing wonderful things like you did Saturday night for yourself.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
So this evening I went for a run. 3.6 miles. Wow I need to keep working if I will be running 5 miles in 2 weeks for the Marathon Relay!
Once Dan came back with the kids I tried to disappear. I took a 20 minute shower and then he had the kids in their bedroom. I got in my rocker recliner with some wine and started watching my recorded "Desperate Housewives". I think I drank about half the bottle...
He came out and said Sydney was still awake but he needed to leave b/c he had to be to work early tomorrow. So I said bye. And he left. Then 15 minutes later Sydney came out. So I told her to lay on the couch and she did. I finished my Housewives and then I put her in my bed. She is so good!
I need to tell him that I can't hang out with him anymore...not that I did today but in general
Fantastic BBJ! You are doing all the right things as far as I'm concerned. Brilliant!
I know you will find that love someday and probably sooner than you think. Until then, fill your own love tanks by doing wonderful things like you did Saturday night for yourself.
We cross-posted Mish! Thanks for the positive feedback. I just needed some time for myself so I took it. And I am glad I did.
My high school speech coach was there along with a former classmate who now also coaches. I am looking forward to working my first event.
