A, I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter's situation. I do hope things work out for her.
You know your h and your situation far better than we do. If you feel that you do not want to respond, then don't. You'll know when the time is right.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
His soliciter has now asked for a medical "fitness to work" examination It hurts so much that he would consent to this extra humiliation for me.I know he is afraid, and worried that he will be paying maintenence for ever.Where is the care and consideration for someone who loved him and shared his life for 28 years? Im upset because I am beginning to hate him-that frightens me but my daughter says its healthy.And yet,I know he is not a bad person and will be feeling awful about this.I dont think I will ever fully recover from this.Have started to get the "night panics" again.One day at a time.
A, I know it hurts terribly what he continues to do, but his lawyer may be the one requesting the fitness to work request. Your h may not have thought of that one on his own. It's a typical request in some cases. Advise your lawyer of the request and then have it done. BTW, you can request the same of him as well.
Keep in mind, when in a situation such as this, compassion went out the window. All that is playing in his mind is survival and not paying you one penny for anything. Time together, love, compassion, etc. are all now gone...it's all about business and that's how you to have to look at it as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel your pain and disappointment that your H (and/or his lawyer) would ask for this type of examination.
My xH did the same thing (or it was his Ls idead..doesn't matter, he didn't stop the L from demanding it).
It was humiliating and expensive. I've had a chronic health condition(s) since 1983. It kept me home for the better part of 20 years. I won't go into details, but after many tests and tries of treatment, there isn't really anything that can 'cure' the condition. You find a treatment plan that helps manage it the best you can, and learn to live with the ups and downs. This condition not only impacted my life, but also the life of my H and our children, and what we were able to do and not do. I always had thought he understood, and never really acted like he resented me because of it . So when his attorney demanded I go through this examination type of thing, I was completely floored! Why was he acting like he didn't know how severe and painful my life had been affected?
Anyway, I had to get several doctors testimonies as to the facts of my health problems, the treatments used, the probably future of employment/restrictions. It cost over almost 2K for these depositions. Money that I could ill afford since all my legal costs were my own, even though H was the one that filed.
Arianne, you will get through this...I promise you. You will come out all much stronger than you came into this. Hold your head high...with dignity and grace. You have nothing to be ashame of. He does, for even letting his attorney request this.
I made it through...I'm still standing...and you will be too.
As you've been told before, treat this like business matter..not the emotional roller coaster you actually feel like you're on.
My prayers will be with you!
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Thank you so much snodderly and Creed for your kind words. Actually my health is fine for a 60 year old and I do intend to keep teaching part time - just signed a contract for two days a week -perfect.God seems to have provided for me all along the way-but not anwered my many prayers for reconciliation. He knows best.What hurts me most is that my husband knows that Im neither lazy nor avaricious. Afraid I shot off an angry/hurt letter to my solicitor(not her fault!)saying that I had always worked and contributed half and that he broke the contract and that I had expected a comfortable retirement etc.So hard not to get emotional but of course it is a business matter.He is now back living in our marital home. I left so much behind there will be memories everywhere for him.I still swear he is not a bad man and so the day he turns and looks this in the face I fear it will overwhelm him.Or not. Either way life goes on. Thank you again friends thank goodness for this site. Whenever I have posted in distress a reply never fails to comfort x
Still married! He hasnt finalised divorce and my soliciter says wait until settlement is agreed.This takes so long. My soliciter says he has asked if we could "get the house ready for sale together." (marital home in midlands been empty 30 months)This really took me aback- he has avoided contact with me as much as possible in the last 2 years and when we did meet it was terribly tense.Havent seen him for about a year. Contact since Feb has been through soliciters.Dont want to read too much into this,but still.....dont know how/if to respond. Have ignored his last 2 e-mails since I found out he was involved with O.W in Feb.Still think about him daily but my life is coming together. I dread the divorce.
A, Follow the advice of your lawyer and get the settlement in place first. It sounds to me like your h wants to meet up with you and go over what needs to be done in order to sell the house. Whatever you do, get a second opinion when it comes to home repairs. I most certainly won't take on the burden of all of the repairs. If you do not feel comfortable meeting up with him, suggest that he go out and walk the property and get back to you with suggestions. I would do the same if I were you.
Your h is dragging his feet because he truly doesn't know what he wants and yes, he's had you as the safety net for quite some time. He knows that once the divorce is finalized, he will have no excuses about being married and contact will be minimal, more so than now.
A, I understand how you feel about dreading the divorce, but once it's done, the weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you can begin planning out your future and if your h should wake up, you then can determine whether or not reconcillation is in the cards for the both of you. But, that's a long way off.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know how hard it is not to try to read something into this new development, but you'll be so much better off if you don't..either way.
Dragging his feet? Probably so. But I also know that mine tried on the rare occasions he suggested we meet, tried to emotionally manipulate me into making a decision one way or another on certain things. Of course, most times I fell for it, and learned later not to meet with him alone..or just let my lawyer deal with his lawyer. I think most WAS MLCers know that our feelings for them are far from over...and they can/will at times use that to get their own way, whether it's an emotional, materialistic or financial advantage for them.
They may in MLC, but they sure ain't past being very conniving and manipulative...especially if there's another person involved, and they're secretly helping to plot your spouses words/actions with you.
I'm not saying this is what your H is doing, don't get me wrong. Just keep that new, independent person you're becoming independent from H when it comes to making decisions. Do what is right for YOU at this time. If he ever comes out of this, there will be plenty of time for the two of you to work on things that will benefit you BOTH.
Good luck and take care..keep that chin up
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Thank you both for wise counselling.Truly, I dont feel I could face him right now. Although Ive learned to be alone I still miss him so much and care so much but mixed in is a whole lot of resentment that I havent allowed myself to feel up until recently as divorce draws near.I know him quite well-30 yrs-and I know he is dragging this out as long as possible.Why? Snodderly is right hes still confused he doesnt want me in his life or completely out of it- I feel that. So Im not reading anything into his request other than he doent want to sever all ties. More crumbs.Yes Creed he is certainly capable of deceit.But I know he will be feeling guilty and frightened and confused too. The weakest man Ive ever met!Thank you both so much for writing it helps to get an impartial view from others who have had turmoil in their lives also. God bless you both from rainy England!
Well the phone rang today out of the blue as Id thought it would one day and a quiet nervous voice said "Its Chris".After a years silence. He kept apologising for not calling and saying how wrong it was. Said he had kept all my cards and letters.He said he was fed up with spending cash on soliciters.He asked if he could have "a couple of months grace" before putting house on market and I agreed it will go on early Jan.(unlikely to sell between now and Christmas anyway)Said not a day goes by when he isnt thinking of me. Then said he is in York on Monday should we meet?I said I wasnt sure and would text him.I think the reasons for this call are 1) Guilt.Hes decent enough to know his silence was cruel and cowardly 2) Fear-he knows the marriage is really ending and he will be financially much worse off 3)Curiosity-would I still talk to him or see him? 4) He still cares- I believe-and genuinely wants to see me. 5) A chance to appeal to my feelings and get a better settlement. Im quite sure these are correct interpretations.I have no idea right now if I will meet him or not. I want to,but have to examine my motives. Theres no evidence that he wants a reconciliation so I need to view it as a business type meeting. It probably would be best to say no on an emotional (and divorce-busting principles) level but I am as weak as him!Snodderly if you read this Id really appreciate your advice.
