I'm new wondering if this works...

[Energizer Bunny]

Hey EB - the online games I usually play are on facebook -= are you interested in doing that? Otherwise, I'll research a more annonymous website to play games on this evening.

What do you like to play? I usually play scrabble or backgammon, but I'm up for anything!

I haven't played facebook games. I like scrabble. I'm up for most things, but I'd need to take a crash course in a lot of it.

Yahoo games has a bunch of online multiplayer stuff: http://games.yahoo.com/multiplayer-games

[Energizer Bunny]

We could also agree to read the same book? Not a self-help one! What do you like to read?

Reading a book will be good. If we're going through the same one we'll keep eachother going. It will give us something to chat about too.

What do you think about Dan Brown's Lost Symbol? Or Mitch Albom's Have a Little Faith? Maybe something funny? I'm open.

[Butterfly1]

I knew the nice H wouldn't last. Mr. Hyde is back. H yelled at S5 at dinner, I asked him not to raise his voice at S (as I've asked a thousand times) and H starts yelling at me. I tried all my boundary setting phrases ("you will not talk to me like that - please leave - we can talk about this later when we're calm - you are being mean, now stop it - " and many more. Only enraged H more.

DB lesson - what isn't working: setting boundaries. Need to say nothing or leave. That's my plan next time.

H got enraged, stormed out of dinner, called me every name in the book. Called me crazy. Told me I always have and will be crazy and the problem is me and that is why he's taking care of Ding me. Told me I live in my own warped universe and nobbdy will ever understand me. He refuses to listen to or talk to me about this issue because there's no point talking to a crazy person. Threatened to up the D stakes again - said I can talk to his L instead of him. Then said I was threatening him (by setting the boundary of stop yelling and insulting or leave). He just went off his rocker.

I took a time out - a drive in the neighborhood - and then we all went to the pumpkin patch because we promised S5, and things mellowed a little.

I'm at my wits end. Only thing to do is avoid him, not talk to him. I WILL NOT INITIATE AN APOLOGY OR TALK. Either he will or I will wait until he goes to MC if he ever gets there. I cannot talk to him wihtout him being abusive, so unless he approaches me, this will be my 180.

I'm hiding in my room as H puts S to bed, tremendously sad. H is whistling and laughing and joking around like nothing happened. I guess I need to face that D is the for the best if he's not willing to be mature and kind.

[Dia]

Hi, Hope,

Verbal abuse can be very intractable. I would actually suggest IC for you and your son whether or not your H goes and whether or not he does IC himself.

Edit: Apologies if you're already in IC and I just missed it. Crazy long work week for me. TGIF tomorrow!

[Butterfly1]

THX, Dia. I'm in IC. My H will not allow S to go. Once we are legally sep., however, I can choose where to spend my half of the money.


Every fiber in my being wants to go into the living room and "explain", "make up" etc - but that is one of the "cheeseless tunnels" I go down. He needs to come to me. I just know that he wont. He'll avoid me all night and then he's gone all weekend. Why I want to in there to a person who says such horrible things I do not know. Until then, I'm sitting still. It's very hard.

[Dia]

Are you documenting his outbursts?

IMHO, you should. Dates, frequency, duration, specific things he says, whether or not he slams stuff, throws things, etc.

[Butterfly1]

THank you Dia. Good idea. I will!

Doing my 180 helped - he actually apologized to me. That is a first!

[BigJohn]

BTW, a great book I found out about on these boards is "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking ABout IT." It has given me some insight as to why my H may be so full of anger and blame - it's actually shame/inadequacy based. For feeling like a "failure" in our M. Also H would not understand my (natural female) fear of abandonment and isolation. Talks about how men deal with shame by "fight/flight" which triggers female's fear of isolation and round and round we go.

Hope,

I'm sorry to hear about your H's latest blow up. Good grief! In lieu of an adult sized binky perhaps some warm milk in a sippy cup might calm him down. Sounds like you are hanging in there though.

Regarding the above book- I'm not familiar with it- what does it say about WAWs like my W? Do the feelings of abandonment still apply (since they are self-inflicted to some degree) or are there other more prominent feelings? Would be curious to know.

I'll try to check up on you later. Have a great weekend.

[Butterfly1]

Bj - good question. I believe the premise is that the female's biggest fear is of abandonment and isolation, and the male's is shame and inadequacy. I don't think one necessarily starts the process, but that the two play off of each other. "Her anxiety causes his shame and his shame causes her anxiety."

I guess the idea is that the woman eventually keeps exposing her vulnerability to her husband, which is what girlfriends do, and this triggers his feelings of failure as a husband, so he shuts down in "shame-avoidant behavior: inpatience, distractedness, defensiveness. resentment, anger, criticism, or advice that sounds like telling her what to do.
" AFter a wile, a woman will stop exposing velnerability to the man in her life and turn more to friends, allowing the emotional void in their relationship to fill with resentment. (She) doesn't know it, but she already has one foot out the door."
Sorry for the quotes = but I'm still reading the book so I thought this might help. I like the book - may be worth a read. I got it at the library.

I'll check up on your sitch too.

Tonight, enjoying detaching. Enjoying S5 blissfully jumping on the rocket-ship-jumpy-thingie at the local pumpkin patch. His reading is just blossoming so we spent all night reading together. We enjoyed ice cream and sunshine - I am feeling more and more at peace.

H has been exploding worse, but less frequently and with more calmness in between. I ultimately see this as progress, however hellish the blasts are. I couldn't stand the nightly barrage of criticisms. These seem to be fading (knock wood), with some new open talks, lingering hugs, and apologies (interspersed with the nightmarish hell of volcanic eruptions that exude from him when he feels triggered.) Small openings followed by huge lockdowns. It's better than constant lockdown I guess.

[BigJohn]

Hope,

Thanks for the information. Sounds like you had a good night.