W can't break EA - not sure how to handle it

[wanttobebetter]

I wish I could get my W to an IC. For her own good most of all...not even to put us back together.

Glad your night went well....good work.

[tristan]

I received this e-mail this morning. I am at a loss right now. I don't want to live my life in a relationship like this.

--W---------------------------------

Thanks for coming last evening. I really enjoy spending time with you. Making love under the covers while half dressed was fun…:)

Tristan, I am thinking about tonight. I am having the feeling that you want us to be back in the same house soon and I am not sure I am ready for that. I want our family to be a family again but I want to be done right. I have a feeling that we are moving this too fast. I don’t want to find myself in the same state I was before I moved out. I am thinking that sleeping together every day and having each other over all the time is not what I want at this time. I want contact but I also want my space, if that makes sense. I know this may be confusing, but I want to date you again, I don’t want us to move in together yet. You are welcome to come over and visit but we should slow down the staying over each others place.


Please let me know your thoughts.

Love,
W

--M1----------------------

Hi,

Thank you, I enjoyed last night too.

I understand and respect your concerns about moving too fast. I will take some time and digest the rest if that is OK. It is a lot to contemplate and I need to get some work done.

Take care,
-Tristan

--M2----------------------

Are you still planning on setting up an appointment for a marriage counselor today? I think it would be good forum where we could discuss these things. I want to be respectful to your need for space and time to heal. I think a good counselor could help us find the right path to follow to give you the time and space you need while also healing our marriage.

Thank you,
-Tristan

[wanttobebetter]

Well I know you didn't expect that. I know it is not what you want to hear but there wasn't a whole lot of negative in her email. She has some points and she is communicating with you. I really see a lot of hope in your sitch.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Tristan,

I know that has to hurt, but she's actually making a lot of sense. The worst thing you could do would be to have a "false start" and be right back to Square One again. My wife originally said something very similar, adding that she didn't want to "give people false hope," which she then clarified as meaning our kids and her parents. She's being cautious, which is also sensible.

I also think you handled your response VERY well. The MC can help you navigate these sensitive waters.

Just THANK her for being honest with you, and see if you can address these things in the next MC session.

Puppy

[Dia]

I agree with both posters above. She is SCARED, and keeping her space/slowing things down a bit helps to keep the pressure off her. A return to pressure will mean a return to *Walking*.

You handled it very well. Don't push or pressure, be satisfied with baby steps. In my sitch, there were definitely times when one or both of us needed some 'away time' to process, to deal with feelings, etc., as we moved closer together. We were lucky, in a way, that I was gone so many weekends dealing with the death of my grandmother as it gave us that space and never let the pressure build too high.

Don't let this throw you - it's a GOOD thing.

[Coach]

I agree that her thoughts have some maturity and wisdom. She wants to date you, that is golden. She wants a new and improved marriage. You have been given a great opportunity to have a "mulligan."

I also think you handled your response VERY well.

yep, good job not puking on your shoes.


Validate her thoughts and feelings, date her and go to MC. it's all goodness.

Cheers

[mindfull]

Tristan:

You are such a man of integrity and grace.

Be proud. You're doing just fine, and your W WILL appreciate all of this someday soon. Patience.

Great job!

[25yearsmlc]

Amen to what they said. You're not really in limbo, you're in "Piecing" and in a way I found that stage very hopeful but "not done"...

We are never "done" with working on our marriages (unless we end them) as they are all works in progress like we are as people. But as long as you are caring for yourself and not just her, seems like this was a mature thing for her to say.

In a way, she's simply articulating what you feel but maybe it was hard to hear b/c it came from her(?) and not you. Just wondering.
ANyhow, I'm crossing my fingers for you b/c things are truly encouraging, on the whole. Realistically this is the best case scenario. In our ideal worlds, the WAS would "wake up and get it" overnight. But that's not realistic. She's taking this the way it's most likely to succeed I think. But you certainly do need a good 3rd party to help. Must it be one and the same? I'm only asking b/c you say she was previously uncomfortable with the one you have, although he does sound good for both of you. I generally think it's good b/c you'll know that the mc is pro-M, but if you could find another one would she feel safer?

j-

[tristan]

Thank you all. I will admit that it hurt when I first received it. But when I went back and read it again, it does make a lot of sense. IC said that I also need to take it slow in order to process the hurt that I have been through. He believes it will help with handling the anger on the other side of this. He also said that I need it to gain confidence It is strange that he is focused on my anger and resentment when it currently isn't a problem for me.

I am reassured by my W response as well.

--W----------------------

Yes, I will let you know.

Let’s talk when I come back.

Thanks for understanding and caring. Caring is everything….

PS
I was thinking about our conversation last evening about love and found this Shakespeare note in a little book at work. Like you said love may be hard to define but we know it when we see it. Shakespeare called it “the glorious intangible”. “Love is the will do and the soul to dare. Its two parts caring, and three parts passion. It’s people who give more than they take. Love accept no boundaries, offers no excuses, overcomes all odds, and comes through smiling”.

[tristan]

Must it be one and the same? I'm only asking b/c you say she was previously uncomfortable with the one you have, although he does sound good for both of you. I generally think it's good b/c you'll know that the mc is pro-M, but if you could find another one would she feel safer?

No. The old one would not take us back as a MC even if we asked. He is now my IC and said he can't be both. I think W and I agreed on one that was recomended by a pro-M website; so I think we may have that part taken care of.

And you are right; I think she did articulate what I was thinking. But I didn't act on it because it is just too comfortable when I am with her.

Thank you j.