UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Lost Rabbit]

Nell leave it till tomorrow, I know you want to business like but that sounds too

1) I feel like this
2) YOU made me feel this
3) Im so fffff offfed with YOU I DONT CARE
4) Quite frankly go jump in the lake
5) BTW the cats say HI

He can wait for another twenty four hours, we can go through a response tomorrow hun! Hope by now you will have partaken of your soaps and be snoozing with the moglets.. Huge hugs and Im wishing even more that you wernt twenty four hours away so I could adminster them in person!

[Dudess]

So, here's the thing. I have just spent ages answering H's emails and after all the diatribe, decided that to be business like and to the point (which he prefers instead of a long winded email) I have dot pointed the following response:

The water problem got resolved - cost me an arm and a leg for a Bank Holiday weekend call out

The position was exceptionally frustrating - I over-reacted when water was gushing everywhere

I frequently forget that you are no longer available to help me

I was not ranting - I purely said the truth of what was on my mind, which appeared to have upset you

The F word was not called for and I did not deserve it

I fail to see why you are so annoyed with me all the time - please explain to help me understand

I shall also be away for the tribunal hearing - please can you re-schedule


I have not answered his question of how is work or how am I doing. No mention of the cats. His first email was four words long - Water Bill paid today. Second email a bit more chatty but accusative of me ranting at him and third email basically telling me that he would 'gen me up' on what to expect at the tribunal.

So, is my response too blunt and business like and not affirming/validating enough (!!) and, should I do a 180 and go to the tribunal alone, allowing H to 'gen me up' first or do I just cancel and get him to make the alternate appointment? There's a lot riding on the outcome of the tribunal - it's fairly huge and another big cop-out from H. Granted that he has gone on his own to the preliminary hearings (I was unable to due to work) but this should be the final and I am afraid that it's too valuable to screw up. They will make minced meat of a 'mere' female on her own.

Also, what do people think on the timing of the response ... should I just wait a day or two or wait until early next week? Oh - and I am not going away at all, just making that bit which gives the 'mysterious Nell' a trip out of the valley!

ALTERNATIVELY - I could cancel the tribunal myself and stay dark, with no answer to any of the emails. Think that would just P him off however. Answers please!

Your response doesn't sound businesslike to me. The tone is more "You've ruined my life and I hate you"

It might help people give feedback if you are okay with posting what he wrote to you.

You might want to tell him how much the weekend water repair call cost rather than an arm & a leg.

Maybe it wasn't exactly a rant but telling him "he had better get home and sort out his responsibilities before living his adulterous lifestyle", wasn't appropriate. How about something like:

"I apologize for my behavior on the telephone. I panicked when I saw the water gushing and when I learned you weren't available to help, I said some things I regret."

Maybe you could say that you wonder if it might be better to reschedule the tribunal. Try to sound confident that you could handle it alone if need be, but raise the possibility that having both of you there for this final one might make your position stronger.

Tell him you are fine. Give some upbeat one liner about the weather or work or something.

I think it would be okay to reply when you get the right tone. There are time constraints on the tribunal issue and the sooner he sees a rational response from you the better I think.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Mishka
Appreciate you dropping by.

I have slept since receiving H's emails and don't intend doing anything about them yet. None of the 3 warrant a response, other than the one about the tribunal and I am trying to make up my mind whether to go alone or not. My sister feels that I should go and take H's offer of him preparing me before I do go. I'm not so sure.

Basically, the builders screwed up on a lot of things when building our home. They have been forced to rectify but some things that they can't - for one reason and another. This is all about how they do rectify, or they pay compensation. It's like a court hearing but a little less formal, apparently. The last date was put off as I was not in a fit state to go, just after the bomb and H was working/away/couldn't be bothered. Can't remember.

My feeling is that I would rather that H change the date but I am wondering too if he is bailing out on this as it is more responsibility which he doesn't want - and would mean that we would have to meet, which would leave him feeling disloyal to ow. It's why we have the most minimal contact these days.

Your input will help, Mishaka. Thanks again!

[dolphin_05]

Nell, when I read your response to H last night I could feel your pain but it came across as very harsh and angry. I slept on it overnight and I'm wondering if you really need to reply at all except for the hearing stuff.

[Eskimo Nell]

After I posted my dot points Rabbit, I realised that they were wrong. I am starting to get some good responses back, as you see here, and I can wait and do this over the weekend when I am a little less angry.

Thank you for your input too. I also wish you were here for hugs!!

I rang my emotionally unavailable sister (in the UK) last night and we talked for two hours which was just lovely. It was good to hear someone's voice and that the subject matter was not work! Sister said much as Dudess has suggested, regarding the tribunal. That being the case, I really need to get H to action the postponement on Monday as the date for the hearing is 15 Oct.

I feel shaky today and very, very tired. It must be all that climibing that I did last night to show Shane that I am trying to climb out of the valley!

[Eskimo Nell]

Ditto Cas.

This is what I struggle with, constantly. The pain and anger makes me harsh and, whilst I don't want to feel that way, I understand that it is hampering my DB efforts.

As d/w C, this is holding me back from making forward steps with H and so she says that we will work on that from Tuesday forward.

Meanwhile, I have to keep my lid on it and I think that maybe you are right - only the tribunal stuff warrants a response.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Dudess - I'm not so good at hiding my feelings, am I?!!

OK - I'm chopping out some stuff that is not relevant but basically H's email/s stated:

"Sorry, but I will be unable to attend this hearing as I will be in Sydney for most of that week. I have to go [removed text]. I'll happily gen you up before the day so you know what to expect. Should be no biggie".

Second email:
"So how did you go with the water problem? I understand you were frustrated at the position you were in but that does not excuse you ranting at me. I probably should not have used the "f" word either but these things happen when you are annoyed. How did you get it resolved?

How's things at work? You going OK"?

You are right too about my being inappropriate in my comments to him and therefore I think that your suggested words are much better! Feels like I am always apologising to him though and I rarely get such from him.

I think that I shall put together my response when I get in from work this evening and post it for comments. I can then send it on Sunday and H will be able to action the postponement on Monday.

Appreciate you all being here and helping me with this. I feel so out of control again and can feel myself tailspinning.

[Buttercup37]

Hey Nell, You might be having a hard time with DBing but it's great that you were able to hold off and post here first about the emails. I know how easy it is to look at other people's situation and think of what to say....but much harder to get perspective on our own stuff - we're so emotional and it's hard to get past the emotions to see what will really be helpful for us to do.

You don't have to follow this or agree but IMHO looking at his emails as a third party, the thing that I think would most 180 & shock him would be to simply reply with one email to all three and have it be short, positive, & breezy along the lines of:

Hi Husband!

Things are fine. Gave it some thought and don't think I'll need your help with the tribrunal but I appreciate the offer of help.

Take Care!
Nell

(It is a major drag going to court on your own but surviving court on your own or with your sis could be a confidence building experience...if he divorces you, you'd have to handle court on your own or with support of your family, right? I kinda use this thought as a double-check for deciding some of my actions..."If he divorced me, would I likely do this action even though I never did when married?" If yes then I give it a try...so far this rule seems to be very helpful for me.)

Good Luck no matter what you decide to do!

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for your Good Luck wishes, Buttercup.

I do think that it's harder to get perspective on your own situation than other people's - and yes, I am one emotional person therefore it's much more difficult for me!

I have indeed decided to answer with just one email .. only in regard the tribunal and nothing else. He always ignores anything that is considered 'superficial' so I'm going to do the same as a 180.

This isn't 'court' as such but it is a formal proceding and court-like. Unfortunately, my sister and family are all in the UK and I don't have anyone here to support me. I am only just making some new pals and even then, I can't see them very often due to their own circumstances - hence me being in Total Isolation.

[Eskimo Nell]

Have not had too bad a day today - been really busy at work sorting some problem cases and have driven 100's of kilometres!

Now that I am home, it's all come knocking on my door again and the weekend is stretching long and lonely until Monday's return to work.

Decided on an early night (again) to catch up on some sleep and then some serious housework tomorrow as I haven't done much in ages. It doesn't get too dirty here with only me and practically living in my bedroom (and office) at that!

Not spending the evening here. That's a 180 on myself.

Decided to send the email to H this evening (much as Dudess outlined earlier) and then H has the weekend to contemplate the tribunal matters.

OK - I'm outta here. Catch you all tomorrow. Good morning, good evening, good night - iechid da. (Good Health)