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Yes, I saw that. I just didn't see a question. I thought you explained yourself very well.....(lol). The truth is, I did not have you in mind, at all, when I said what I did in my post on that thread. I "should" have--since it was your thread, but I was actually thinking of another member who I had just talked with and it was after your post that it hit me--that was your thread I said all of that. I typed a post to point out that I was talking in general and then deleted it, thinking at the time it might be best if I didn't say anything more. Maybe I was wrong. I really hope that I did not offend you b/c I think you know I would tell you whatever I thought, right? Even though I may think your WAW should have her butt kicked, I have never seen you being weak in any way. I do see you as a nice man, but I mean that in a nice way......lol. (You know I'm crzay about ya, BJ!)

Seriously, I sure did not mean to sound like I was throwing off on you when I said what I did about "nice guys". But if there was something I missed that you were wanting me to see, tell me what it is, okay? Sometimes I have to have a picture drawn.


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It has been interesting these past few days she has been nice, cordial and actually gave me a compliment today about my cooking something she has not done in a very long time. She does not seem as uncomfortable with changing in front of me in the last few days too. I am trying so hard to remain detached and follow the info in the love must be tough book it seems to be so relevant to my sit. I can only hope that it is never to late no matter how far u have messed up or come along on this journey. I am taking it just one day at a time and remaining focused on me and the kiddos.
Deep down I want to still love on my wife and make Love to her but I am very hurt that idk if that happened what would happen to me if I would cave or not. It is confusing to me now too I think bc of the hurt.
An interesting thing is the kids are so clingy on me when she is around it is a great feeling not bc of being mean to her but the love I get from them it is unconditional and it is showing in front of her, so idk if that has an impact or not in her current state of mind. Well we are in the same room at the moment watching tv and that is an improvement to our sit also.


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M:10 yrs
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Yes, I saw that. I just didn't see a question. I thought you explained yourself very well.....(lol). The truth is, I did not have you in mind, at all, when I said what I did in my post on that thread. I "should" have--since it was your thread, but I was actually thinking of another member who I had just talked with and it was after your post that it hit me--that was your thread I said all of that. I typed a post to point out that I was talking in general and then deleted it, thinking at the time it might be best if I didn't say anything more. Maybe I was wrong. I really hope that I did not offend you b/c I think you know I would tell you whatever I thought, right? Even though I may think your WAW should have her butt kicked, I have never seen you being weak in any way. I do see you as a nice man, but I mean that in a nice way......lol. (You know I'm crzay about ya, BJ!)

Seriously, I sure did not mean to sound like I was throwing off on you when I said what I did about "nice guys". But if there was something I missed that you were wanting me to see, tell me what it is, okay? Sometimes I have to have a picture drawn.


Sandi,

No problem! I took no offense to the prior post, it just got me thinking about things with my sitch and how I'm changing up how I interact with my W these days. Although I'm not second guessing my initial approach to my sitch, I have been feeling lately like I might have been a little slow in changing over to more of the tough love approach. Definitely what my W needs right now, for sure.

Anyways, thanks for checking in on me Sandi. wink


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Originally Posted By: Jman
An interesting thing is the kids are so clingy on me when she is around it is a great feeling not bc of being mean to her but the love I get from them it is unconditional and it is showing in front of her, so idk if that has an impact or not in her current state of mind. Well we are in the same room at the moment watching tv and that is an improvement to our sit also.


Jman,

That kind of interaction between you and your kids can only help your sitch, even if a little bit. I suspect that when my W sees this same type of interaction between our kids and I, she has to question- even if a little bit- what it is she is doing... even if her conscience doesn't seem to be fully functional at the moment.


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Originally Posted By: BigJohn

I suspect that when my W sees this same type of interaction between our kids and I, she has to question- even if a little bit- what it is she is doing... even if her conscience doesn't seem to be fully functional at the moment.



Agreed! Has she calmed down yet? I hope so, then, she hopefully will see that this is not about what is best for her, but best for her children and that means children need to be as much of a part of both parents lives as possible so stay calm and like water. wink

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 09/30/09 06:00 AM.

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BJ, I think you are about the only one around the board I've talked with at length and not really get a hard 2X4 and use it once or twice. So.....maybe I was too soft with ya?

In all seriousness, it still grieves me to know how much pain you have suffered and to see your W throw so much out the window!! Isn't it tragic that a man has to reach that place that your W has finally pushed you.....before he realizes that she just won't see what she has and she continues to stubbornly reach for what she shouldn't want. (I hope that sounded the way I meant it.) Last night was one of those times that I cried when I would read about the heartache from the people here on the board. There is so much of it in our world right now--and it could be avoided if people appreciated the ones God gave to love them.

I don't know much to say tonight, other than to keep telling you that I am still supporting you and want the very best for you. I know you feel that your W has kicked you in the teeth.....but in all of that, you still seem to stand very tall. In her cruel attempts to cut you down to size (so to speak), don't let her whittle away at your self-esteem. She is only trying to see how far she can make you fall b/c of her own dark heart right now. You keep being the big man you are and be patient b/c you will have the love you deserve some day. If that is not your W, then she will realize too late how she once had everything and then she became such a loser.

Take care.


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
BJ, I think you are about the only one around the board I've talked with at length and not really get a hard 2X4 and use it once or twice. So.....maybe I was too soft with ya?


Well if I haven't gotten some of the things you've tried to pound into my head by now I certainly do deserve a 2 x 4 upside the head! smile

Quote:
In all seriousness, it still grieves me to know how much pain you have suffered and to see your W throw so much out the window!! Isn't it tragic that a man has to reach that place that your W has finally pushed you.....before he realizes that she just won't see what she has and she continues to stubbornly reach for what she shouldn't want. (I hope that sounded the way I meant it.) Last night was one of those times that I cried when I would read about the heartache from the people here on the board. There is so much of it in our world right now--and it could be avoided if people appreciated the ones God gave to love them.


I'm with you. It is very sad. I would add that if only the WASs could only know that we could never go back to the way things were before, make the same mistakes as before- and learn themselves to forgive.

Quote:
I don't know much to say tonight, other than to keep telling you that I am still supporting you and want the very best for you. I know you feel that your W has kicked you in the teeth.....but in all of that, you still seem to stand very tall. In her cruel attempts to cut you down to size (so to speak), don't let her whittle away at your self-esteem. She is only trying to see how far she can make you fall b/c of her own dark heart right now. You keep being the big man you are and be patient b/c you will have the love you deserve some day. If that is not your W, then she will realize too late how she once had everything and then she became such a loser.


I recognize this and of course she needs to continue to justify her actions. With the exception of through our children, her ability to hurt me now is severely diminished. Time for the tough love approach now.

Thanks for the support and feedback Sandi, I really appreciate it. (((Sandi)))


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bump


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Originally Posted By: BigJohn
Although I'm not second guessing my initial approach to my sitch, I have been feeling lately like I might have been a little slow in changing over to more of the tough love approach. Definitely what my W needs right now, for sure.



Hey, maybe I should check out this tough love book? What's the name? Is it geared just toward men, or also women?

I'm glad you are not second guessing your original stance toward W. I completely agree that you are thrown into a sitch you have never dealt with before so you can only go forward in trying new approaches. NEver judge yourself for not knowing early on what else can be done. We as humans are just not built that way. We continue down the same old roads in hope of finding a new end. Only when we come to the same end many times do we consider a new road. The unknown is scary, and we need to tread slowly and carefully with lots of support. And that's why we're here for each other - to help light the way toward new paths and stick by each other as we try a variety and find one that ultimately works. It takes time. Lots of time. I'm not a patient woman. But I see you and all the friends on this forum trying their new paths and making changes. If we can't stop what didn't work in the past and try anew, how can we have a new life - and a new self - and ultimately a new marriage.

Enough of my preaching for tonight smile


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Hope,

The book is "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. It's a good book, I haven't finished reading it but have liked everything I have read thus far.

I don't mind the "preaching" at all. Thanks for stopping by tonight.


M: 41
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S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
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