W can't break EA - not sure how to handle it

[tristan]

Journaling:
Wednesday afternoon:
Things are continuing to get better. W is planning on staying over tonight. I am stopping by the video store for all of us to watch this evening. I am happy about all of this, but I also feel like something isn't quite right. Is it real this time? Have we really hit bottom? What does commitment mean to her?

I guess only time will tell and I must keep faith.

[wanttobebetter]

Best of luck tristan. Make sure to let us know how tonight goes. My advice would be go with the flow and don't let too much nervousness creep in....take it for what it is and enjoy!

[tristan]

Best of luck tristan. Make sure to let us know how tonight goes. My advice would be go with the flow and don't let too much nervousness creep in....take it for what it is and enjoy!

Thank you WTBB. I am not nervous anymore. By the way, she stayed over Thur-Sun of last week and we wer intimate each of those nights. It was great; we were both very into it. I think we are very comfortable with each other. But what I am concerned about is slipping into a funk where we are neither together nor apart. Sometimes we stay together, sometimes we don't. I want to see that she is committed to making this work.

[tristan]

Tonight did not go as planned. And I am now wondering if I have been handling myself correctly. W and girls were at our place when I got home. I greeted everyone. W and I gave each other a quick kiss.

Things were going well until D5 asks:
D5: "Mommy, can we stay at the pink house tonight?"
D3: "Yeah, I want to stay at the pink house."
W: "Don't you want to stay here with daddy tonight."
D5: "No. I want to stay at the pink house."

I could tell W was conflicted and was not replying.

M: "So what do you want to do."
W: "Isn't it important to give them consistency. It is their night to be at my place."
M: "We can talk about it later."

So a little while later we get a moment to talk.
M: "So you are going back to your place tonight?"
W: "I think it is for the best. You are welcome to join us."
M: "No. I don't think so."
W: "Why not?"
M: "I don't want to get comfortable in this limbo. Neither be together nor seperated."
W: "You mean me."
M: "Either of us. We should be woking toward one or the other. What is the goal here?"
W: "I want to be together. But I am not ready to move in yet. Are you?"
M: "Well I don't want you to move in if you are not ready."
<silence>
W: "I think we need to get that counselor to work throuh are issues."
M: "OK. Are you ready for that."
W: <thinks for a while and looks to get a little emotional> "Yes. I guess."
M: "OK. Lets do that."
W: "Why aren't you willing to come over?"
M: "Can you call me later so we can talk about it."
W: "Yes."

So I read a book to D5 and W gets stuff ready to go. I help get them packed in the car. Before getting in herself, W gives me a long hug which I recipricate.

W: "I wish there was a book for this. I don't know what to do."
M: "Are you committed to me?"
W: "Yes"
M: "That is my biggest question right now. Are you committed?"
W: <looks me in the eye> "Tristan. I am committed. I just need time. I have all this stuff swirling around in my head."
M: "You're going to call tonight?"
W: "Yes." - gives me a kiss on the cheek

So here I am still alone and it sucks. I want to be a family again 2 parents committed under 1 roof, is that too much to ask for? Am I doing the right thing?

6 weeks ago W and I were sleeping in the same bed and she told me "She wanted to explore a relationship with OM". Today we are living in seperate houses and she says "She is committed to me." Is that progress?

@Coach: Am I handling this OK or am I still puking all over my shoes?

[Energizer Bunny]

She said she was committed. She asked you to go. You are making huge strides.

Screw it! Go to the pink house and be with your family. Sleep with your wife.

[25yearsmlc]

as to your earlier question about anger...

It still pops up for me when I see photos of another event H missed out on, or he doesnt' know d20's friends b/c was gone when she met the girl and now he's way behind on who's who in her life. That matters a lot to teens b/c their friends are their world. When I see what we WERE earning before he went nuts and took a 90% pay cut for a year, and so far has not matched his earlier income and screwed my career plans up for awhile....yes, I get angry and have to let it go again. For a long time, I let go of something on a daily basis. Literally.

Recently I saw equipment in our garage that we will NOT need here. He bought it for himself to hunt/fish/ski with the guys up there, his "heroes" as I referred to them, & it still irks me. So yes, anger and regret about their unilateral choices, will come. The main thing was that I was usually able to enjoy the "now" (as in "Be here NOW") and be in the moment and if it weren't for that, nothing else could have happened. I think you get this.

If you prepare some ahead of time it'll help keep you from blurting out something that really is not appropriate at the time. Believe me, it can happen at the worst moments. E.G., Some weird reminder of your pain will flare up at a time when you are actually happy, and snatch that happy moment right out of your hands.

And when you are making choices about finances and geography or things with the girl's future, or Yours, and your activities you enjoy- there might be a tendency to feel entitled to have your way on more things...as in, "hey, 'would be WAS' you owe me big time..." and in way you'd be "right" ... but the question will always need to be whether you are doing something good for the M or not. Don't expect to be able to mete out justice and be happily married.

As to the present sitch, it's odd and interesting. Why didn't you go over there? I'm just curious that you drew a line in the sand on that, when she was inviting you and the d's surprised you both with their request. Why not help her move out, when the time comes? And perhaps you need a timeline internally at least, perhaps not shared with her YET, but a timeline so YOU know you won't be in limbo forever. At some point she'll need a warning too. As in the deadline approaches. FWIW I think any pro-m workshop or seminar that gives you tools for now would be really good. You could damage your chances ultimately if you blow this time period and she's asking by saying she wishes there was a book on this. THERE ARE and there are tools for this.

Avail yourself of them. Good luck, there IS hope obviously.
J-

[Energizer Bunny]

For some reason (I can not explain it now) I have not had too much trouble with the forgiveness up to now. My IC asked in my last session "Where do you put all of your anger? Any other man sitting in your position would be hopping mad." I thought about it for a while and said "I really don't know."

I am afraid that at some point I will need to deal with this. This morning I was a little angry, not about the affair, but about how much of our savings she spen on getting and furnishing this new place. I know I will have to deal with it at some point. But, as you said, I have enough on my plate right now. Why worry about it if I am not there yet.

I've read a lot about this since I've noticed myself being more concerned and less angry than I would thought that I should be. (I've gone back and forth but I'm not angry and resentful like most would think.

It seems that when we are in "Crisis Mode" we can set that stuff aside and focus on how to get through the situation. Once we feel that we've safely made it through the crisis though, the anger and resentment can come rushing in. I'm surprised at how I can read so much stuff that my (and apparently your) IC doesn't seem to be aware of. (I really question the 3 IC's that I have gone to).

From what I gather one thing that can help is trying to get how it happened, what the WAS went through, and make a decision to forgive. You won't really be able to do that until they ask though.

So...once you feel that she truly wants to be with you for good...watch out. It's likely that you'll find the anger.

[wanttobebetter]

I would agree. It is amazing what you can push aside and become numb too. It is almost like I am in triage mode...stay alive for now..but as EB said, the rest will have to be dealt with at some time. How you both deal with that anger will likely be very important to patching things up.

[wanttobebetter]

Tristan: I don't think your night went all that bad. You may not have gotten exactly what you wanted out of it but you communicated well and your W was receptive to you.

[tristan]

I'm surprised at how I can read so much stuff that my (and apparently your) IC doesn't seem to be aware of. (I really question the 3 IC's that I have gone to).

I actually like my IC. And I think he realizes what is going on, I think he asks these questions because they are things that I should be thinking about and not simply ignoring. I think he is trying to save me from being a doormat and, much like Robx, is making me realize that my needs are important too. He wants to make sure that I do not sacrifice these needs in order to save the relationship.

He also advises me to be very careful about having this relationship in limbo. Each of us going over to each others place to spend the night, but not being really committed to each other. He says it can be difficult on the children. If they are exposed to it for a long period of time it becomes engrained in them that it is a "normal" relationship and may have a difficult time with their own relationships later in life. However, he said this in the context of there being an OM in the picture. So his views may be slightly different now.

This is what I was struggling with last night. She says that she is committed to getting us back together. My gut is telling me that things really are changing. She is no longer apprehensive about intimacy. In fact, she is now seeking it and really enjoying it again. This is something that became absent for a period of time. I do believe OM has been pushed aside. So I took this into account and figured it that we are moving in the right direction. I called her and asked if the invitation was still open. She said she was hoping I would change my mind. I headed over to her place and we had an enjoyable evening. Thanks 25 and EB, your posts made me reconsider my decission.

Back to my IC, he was the one that recognized W should be on mood stabilizers (as our MC) before her IC or psyche did. And although he had problems gaining my W's trust, I do find him to be a pretty good counselor. My W (one who is trained in counseling) also said that he is good, but she never really could feel comfortable with him. I think a big part of that was because he told my W that he found relationships like hers with OM tended to be "plastic", "not real", and simply "brain chemistry" when she was not ready to hear it. Anyway, I see him today. I am interested to hear his perspective on where he thinks we are now.