You and your wife sound like you get along so well. I agree with 25 years MLC, Retrouvaille would be a good choice for you. And it is not the same as what you did before. It is working on honest, open, and safe communication. building understanding. It's a wonderful experience.
I looked into it. Doesn't look like we could really attend one until early next year due to the availability in our city. However, it will probably be a good time. That will have given us almost 6 months since the prior retreat.
You 2 are correct that we get along very well. Its strange to be in this situation, but we are.
Journaling: Wednesday morning: Last evening was relaxing and fun. We made dinner, talked, put the girls to bed, and then she started looking at old photos. Ones from when we were dating through our first daughter being born. We then started looking through things that she had stored in her "Memory Box". They included cards, ticket stubs, trinkets, etc. from different holidays and special occassions. I could tell that she was somewhat emotional and asked how she was feeling. "A little sad, but it is good for me to see this stuff." was her reply.
She also said that she has been a little depressed the last couple days. She thinks it may be that it was due to her being a little erratic with her meds the past several days. Hopefully that is it.
She went to her place last night to sleep. But said she would bring some stuff to stay at our place tonight.
Things seem to be progressing in the right direction. But for some reason I am a little down this morning; perhaps it is the weather or the fact that W says she has been a little depressed lately. Oh well, can't let that stop me from getting my work done.
It makes sense that she's a litle sad. You guys have been through a lot. She's probably feeling a little guilty and a little duped that the grass isn't greener.
She's staying with you tonight? SWEET!!!!
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I hope tonight goes well. You are on the right path, it is just going to be bumpy. As much as I would like to get where you are, I think it is still a long, long road to get back to where you want to be.
Stay upbeat...you've had great success so far.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
The best I can gather, the EA began about 3 years ago. That would be shortly after our relationship hit a real rough spot (much of which was my fault). OM left his W 2 years ago and is still in mediation on the dissolution. I started getting signs about that time. And, yes, the first bomb hit in January. I think W realized she hit the point of no return about a year ago now.
so you know Tristan, I'm sure my h felt guilt and pain many times I'm not aware of, or so I think. Can't let that into our hearts, except from the point of view of compassion for them. Don't get dark b/c she is, but be aware.
At Retrovaille, rather unexpectedly, my h began to cry really hard and was so ashamed and remorseful about who he had hurt (ie. me and our children and his R's with our d's need some serious repair work). I ached for him as well but when I look back, I had told him at the time that this damage would happen. No matter, I'm not saying "look, I was right!" I'm saying there's some amnesia and you have to stay in the now, and sometimes all you can do is cry with them, and help them heal their damaged R's without taking responsibility for it. Your w will have to get well and do what she can to not inflict pain on others every time she has some of her own.
Oh, I told an LBSer W friend of mine about H's "moment of truth" and she asked me if I then "reminded him of how long he had been hurting us" and all the damage he had done and crap he put us through. WTH? THEN?? I was shocked that she thought I should rub salt in his wounds. He was already crying (2nd time in 3 decades) and not asking me for anything. My gf wanted to punish, and guess what? That gf is still an LBSer and I think she always will be.
Forgiving the WAS and letting go of our pain is something we all have to do -but I never saw it growing up. It's a learned skill, believe me. The real work is only starting my friend. But the work is not sheer drudgery either. But that thing about forgiving and letting go...every successful marriage includes forgiveness somewhere along the way.
It will be essential. For now though, you have enough on your plate. Good luck, and see what you can attend or learn in the meantime so you don't reconcile without any new tools. Wherever you get the tools, get them...in fact, maybe try at least one session with a DB coach about Piecing? Just a thought. Again, good luck J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
For some reason (I can not explain it now) I have not had too much trouble with the forgiveness up to now. My IC asked in my last session "Where do you put all of your anger? Any other man sitting in your position would be hopping mad." I thought about it for a while and said "I really don't know."
I am afraid that at some point I will need to deal with this. This morning I was a little angry, not about the affair, but about how much of our savings she spen on getting and furnishing this new place. I know I will have to deal with it at some point. But, as you said, I have enough on my plate right now. Why worry about it if I am not there yet.
