I don't have any great advice, but I am with you today.
I am overanalyzing a snippy comment on my way out this morning. I want to call her. I want her to go away. I'm afraid she if off looking at houses to move to again today.
What can we do to take our minds off of this stuff?
Read any good books lately? I'd challenge you to an online game somewhere, but I don't even know where to start.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Feeling crappy about contacting him. Feel crappy when I don't initiate contact, but crappier when I do and get no response.
Yes, don't call unless you absolutely have to. It will help your self esteem. All of the really bad calls I've had where I felt like I was in an emotional dump after were when I called my W hoping to initiate some great conversation.
The only good calls we've had was when she called me.
Plus, think of it this way, you are feeding his ego with these calls. If you stop them then he'll start wondering what's going on. You'll flip the script on him.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Thanks, people. What would I do without you? Calls will stop. Will tolerate the anxiety of not connecting. And, you are right - the last two days when he did call in the afternoon he had a very nice tone of voice.
Hey EB - the online games I usually play are on facebook -= are you interested in doing that? Otherwise, I'll research a more annonymous website to play games on this evening.
What do you like to play? I usually play scrabble or backgammon, but I'm up for anything!
We could also agree to read the same book? Not a self-help one! What do you like to read?
Finding peace in oneself makes us whole. We can't successfully live with another if we can't live by ourselves. We can't successfully love another if we can't love ourselves. The point isn't whether D is right its that you'll be happy, healthy and strong no matter which path your marriage ultimately follows.
Well said RSF!
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Amazing baby steps here. H has been calm and polite for three days now. Granted two of them he wasn't here - but on the phone he was the "old" H I used to love. Today when he came over to be with S5, H has been calm and polite. Not at all the critical, angry bull-in-a-china-shop he's been since the bomb. That's two days last week, and three this week. Improvements! And bliss.
Probably realizes he was a major a**hole on Sunday when he erupted to new hellish heights, threatening the ungliest D the world has ever seen. If he has any sense (which I have doubted lately) he would feel a bit guilty about that terrible uproar and could be trying to make up for it. He doesn't usually feel the need to make up for anything, however, so who knows.
Or, the legal sep. papers are on their way, and he's buttering me up.
Who knows. I'm just glad for the peace. Like I said, I;ve been feeling a lot more peaceful on my own as well.
BTW, a great book I found out about on these boards is "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking ABout IT." It has given me some insight as to why my H may be so full of anger and blame - it's actually shame/inadequacy based. For feeling like a "failure" in our M. Also H would not understand my (natural female) fear of abandonment and isolation. Talks about how men deal with shame by "fight/flight" which triggers female's fear of isolation and round and round we go. It just makes sense to me why he would be a WAS (flight) and be so rageful (fight) and why my efforts to talk it out (go to the therapy, explain/defend myself in the face of his rage) would pressure him to feel like "something's wrong with him."
I don't know if I'm making any sense, but it seems to fit with our situation fairly well - most helpful is that this perspective helps me deal with my anxiety of him being gone, separated, and leaving S5 and I.
Before bed - Got home from my support group - told H about what it brought up for me. H listened. Ended by telling him that I realize these things I"m working on affected our marriage negatively because i was in denial about them - I wanted him to notice that I AM working on these things - not just blaming him. H said "it affected a lot more than that." - with a bit of an outburst. When I asked "like what?" H shut down and said he "had a lot of things to do" but would talk to me another time about it. I left it alone and said, "ok." 180 - I would usually in the past not let it go - wanting the discussion then and there, since it obviously brought up feelings for him.
H was a bit snippy about this - however, not his usual rage so I was glad for that.
Now he's talking to his brother about a bunch of blather on the phone - and so why is this so important? More important than talking to me? Ugh. This is me trying to be too pushy. That will only backfire. So I retreated to bedroom to do some sewing - FOR ME.
Oh well, no pushing for R talks. Heck, I probably shouldn't have brought it up at all. But it's killing me that I'm doing all this work to change with no recognition from H. I guess the babysteps are the recognition.
Still glad he's here, still glad he's been calm. It's no my endgoal by any means - that would be some serious intimacy and working on our issues. But I am grateful for what I have tonight - H in the house, and peaceful. That is a positive step.
It's killing me that we aren't having "light, positive,fun time" together - watching tv or doing anything in the same room together - but that's just me having expectations. Trying to not pressure him so it's relaxing when H is here so that he feels comfortable returning. That's my immediate goal. I just wish there weren't so much distance and silence bettween us. Oh well. Sitting still.
I returned to the bedroom (H is in the living room) and told him to just find me if/when he's done and wants to talk. That's good, my 180.
Before bed - Got home from my support group - told H about what it brought up for me. H listened. Ended by telling him that I realize these things I"m working on affected our marriage negatively because i was in denial about them - I wanted him to notice that I AM working on these things - not just blaming him. H said "it affected a lot more than that." - with a bit of an outburst. When I asked "like what?" H shut down and said he "had a lot of things to do" but would talk to me another time about it. I left it alone and said, "ok." 180 - I would usually in the past not let it go - wanting the discussion then and there, since it obviously brought up feelings for him.
H was a bit snippy about this - however, not his usual rage so I was glad for that.
Now he's talking to his brother about a bunch of blather on the phone - and so why is this so important? More important than talking to me? Ugh. This is me trying to be too pushy. That will only backfire. So I retreated to bedroom to do some sewing - FOR ME.
Oh well, no pushing for R talks. Heck, I probably shouldn't have brought it up at all. But it's killing me that I'm doing all this work to change with no recognition from H. I guess the babysteps are the recognition.
Still glad he's here, still glad he's been calm. It's no my endgoal by any means - that would be some serious intimacy and working on our issues. But I am grateful for what I have tonight - H in the house, and peaceful. That is a positive step.
It's killing me that we aren't having "light, positive,fun time" together - watching tv or doing anything in the same room together - but that's just me having expectations. Trying to not pressure him so it's relaxing when H is here so that he feels comfortable returning. That's my immediate goal. I just wish there weren't so much distance and silence bettween us. Oh well. Sitting still.
I returned to the bedroom (H is in the living room) and told him to just find me if/when he's done and wants to talk. That's good, my 180.
Nice! Good for you!!
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
but on the phone he was the "old" H I used to love. Today when he came over to be with S5, H has been calm and polite. Not at all the critical, angry bull-in-a-china-shop he's been since the bomb. That's two days last week, and three this week. Improvements! And bliss.