Hey BBJ, I also agree with the other folks regarding the enabling behaviour. Yes, it is very difficult to refuse invitations. I am not sure any of our actions will matter in the long run. I wonder however what is going on in your little ones' heads with all this together time. I have to admit that when I read your family activities and that of K, I get a little uneasy feeling. Your (you and K's) words say one thing but your actions say something else. I am not sure your respective stbx's feel the urgency of the situation. I was joking with K, saying that she saw her STBX more than some married couples this past weekend. But anyway, I am no different than anyone else here. I would probably have accepted the invitations as well. That is no longer true however....I guess it takes time....but it also takes a little effort. The children's "alibi" is also understandable but can be debated. What I am saying is that in order to properly detach (if that is really your goal) you have to make an effort. I am sure if Dan calls tonight and says he is hungry, you will make an extra plate of spaghetti...or in K's case lamb.....is there anything wrong with this behaviour? I don't know.... the signals you are sending your stbxs is that you are not as "serious" as you let on about divorce. Just my opinion....I could be out in left field.....what I do know is that GAL is as important now as it was when the first bomb landed several years ago.
Then he stuttered and stammered and said that actually he was kind of wanting me to come too, but if I had other plans, that was okay, he just kind of thought it would be good if I came...
BobbiJo,
I am rather curious to know why you joined Dan and the kids for the movie. To me it just seems like more of the same type behavior with a little divorce activity sprinkled in. As you were recounting things I thought for sure you would pass on attending the movie.
Something just does not seem right with this. On one hand I can see that you were giving thought to doing this "for the sake of the family". But I do not think that is the way that Dan was looking at it. It almost seems like he was just testing you to see how tightly wrapped around his finger he may still have you.
If you are trying to untangle and untether your life from his rotten life by means of a divorce and in doing so hopefully cause Dan to "hit bottom" more quickly, then going and doing the movie thing doesn't make much sense to me.
I do not mean to be making such a big deal about this one episode but the other part that I sense is that there seems to be continued enabling type behavior on your part. What I mean by this is that I believe (and I surely could be wrong)that Dan is nowhere near being comfy with the idea of taking his two young kids out anywhere by himself. Actually this doesn't even seem to be limited to just taking them out places. I seem to recall that he almost always has his mom and his dad play a huge part in handling stuff with the kids whenever it is "his time" with the kids. He has shown zero responsibility to do this type of activity on his own.
Dan going out to the movies with just himself and the kids is something that he needs to be faced with IMO. I do not think he stands a chance of experiencing growth in his life unless he is challenged with things which fall slightly outside of his normal comfort zone.
OK ..enough chatter from me.
I hope that you will be enormously blessed in unthinkable ways dear BBJ.
Ted
I agree 100%...it is more of the same. Things will continue to be as they are until Dan is told that this type activity will no longer take place..
Things will continue to be as they are until Dan is told that this type activity will no longer take place..
Exactly.
Family time is for families. Dan (and you BBJ) has decided NOT to be a family any longer. Therefore, family activities are out. Sorry, that's D. It sucks, but that is how it is. Staying this involved with each other will only further confuse the kids in the long run.
Be cordial with each other, by all means. Don't try to be overly friendly.
Last edited by mishka422; 09/29/0903:21 PM.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You know, I have had to set those limits w/ my XH. We have been D for almost 10 years, and on occasion, he still wants to resort to the "family" thing. He attempts to drag D13 in the middle of it. Leaves me to be the bad guy and explain that although we both love her, and we are both her family, we are not family to each other anymore.
Thankfully, she gets it more than he does.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Pretty hard to detach when there is still family time going on. And the kids will get mixed signals.
My kids saw the 3D version of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs twice - first time with me and the second time with their mom. I think that Steve is now the leading candidate for best actor Oscar. The scene of him fighting off the gummy bears was the best.
I hear you guys. Maybe I should think about it some more...
The place I am coming from has been, there are two approaches here. If I am still trying to make him 'come to his senses', then I need to enforce all my boundaries/consequences, draw the lines, tough love, etc etc.
I guess you would call that db'ing?
On the other hand, I am tired of always strategizing to figure out what I can do to 'bring him back'. So I figured, if we are getting a divorce, so be it. That is why I was so calm and steady when writing up our 'terms' when we met the other night. Because I am ready to move forward, finally.
But if we are in fact getting a divorce, I guess I was thinking that if we can have a 'friend-y' relationship when it comes to the kids, that is all the better for them. I wasn't thinking about it in terms of sending them confusing messages.
I just do not want to be those former couples I see as a teacher. The ones who can't come to conferences at the same time b/c they can't be in the same room with each other. The ones who are so concerned about being 'fair' that they literally have their child ping-pong between houses every other night. And yes, I have had kids who actually do that.
So maybe I am off on a ramble here. I am just done withoverthinking things. The past several days I have decided to do what I want to do, the way I want to do it. I wanted to write up our settlement and get it taken care of, so I did. I wanted to go to the movies, so I did.
I wanted to write up our settlement and get it taken care of, so I did. I wanted to go to the movies, so I did.
All good.
I don't think the message to the kids would be quite as confusing if they weren't so little. Spending all that time together is going to keep them on edge expecting you to get back to 'family life' as they knew it.
There doesn't need to be animosity between you and Dan, just be careful with how much the kids see you together. Making sure that they see you interact in a positive way when they are present is good, doing activities together is not. Too much hope involved in that for them.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
It's tricky, isn't it! I think with your kids so young it would be best to not have activities with all of you together, for the time being, at least. You can absolutely be cordial when you do see each other, and participate together in things like parent conferences when the kids are not there. I Just think the mixed messages might be too much for them. At the least, I would have sat you and Dan on the ends, and the kids in between. At least that would give the visual of mom and dad apart, not mom and dad together.
Ok so this may be random, but in reading the separation/divorce guidebook I got last night, I found a passage that 'spoke' to me:
"Your efforts do not guarantee the restoration of your marriage. Your spouse has the freedom to turn away from all your overtures. If, after you make every effort at reconciliation, your spouse refuses to be reconciled, where does that leave you? It leaves you with your hand in God's hand. That is not a bad position. You will be free from the guilt of past failures, because you will have confessed your wrong to God and to your spouse. You will have the satisfaction of having sought reconcilation. You will appreciate your own abilities and admit your weaknesses. You will be on a program of personal growth and ministry that will lead to fulfillment. God will not hold you responsible for the decision of your spouse. You are only responsible for your own attiudes and behavior."
So, another way of saying what Michelle says in the DB books. You may not 'win your spouse back', but you will have your own self-respect back because you know you did your best.
