Bbj, I know what you are saying about not using kids etc. I remember the first time I did that last April. I sat with him and calmly said we can be friends etc etc but that I wanted out. I hope you get a clear idea of your future sooner than I did...
Clingingtohope, everybody's sitch is different and scarily the same around here. Yes there is hope. Yes things could turn around. Follow the basic rules, get yourself strong and hope for the best but be ready to have a good life anyway things go. K
I'm in limbo at least until January. That's when she can go on her pre-paid legal plan offered through her work. So all the DBing I'm doing right now may be in vain. She may just be marking time.
That will hurt. [/quote]
The DBing you are doing right now is not in vain. It should be for the reconcilliation of your marriage AND also to help make you a better person. Don't think of it as wasted time just because it doesn't end up saving your marriage.
Tonight I was with the kids at swim lessons. It was a "Dan" night but swim lessons are from 4:30-5:30 so I had the kids.
He texted me, asking if a movie the kids wanted to see was on in theaters yet. I replied it was. (Nathan told his Dad over the weekend he wanted to go see it.)
He said he would be meeting me in 20 min. I called at that point and asked where I was supposed to be meeting him? He said he would come to the house and get the kids.
Then he stuttered and stammered and said that actually he was kind of wanting me to come too, but if I had other plans, that was okay, he just kind of thought it would be good if I came...
So at 2:00 I had sent him a draft copy of the terms we agreed to for our divorce. Then 4 hours later we were sitting by each other in the movie theater with a kid on each side, sharing a big bag of popcorn (the kids each had their own 'kid bags').
Actually, I am totally ok with it. I had/have absolutely no expectations. I think it will be great for the kids if we can have some family times now and then. I believe SP referred to it as 'harmony'.
After the movie I told Dan to take the kids home as I needed to go out for a bit. So he took them home. I went to the bookstore and got a book on separation/divorce. It outlines the things we need to consider when completing a divorce agreement. Because we are emotional, it says, we should be sure that doesn't cloud our ability to ask for what we should in the settlement. (Christian guide btw so no sharks here.)
Going to review the book once the kids are in bed, Dan is upstairs reading to them now in fact. I think we covered pretty much everything but will read over the guidelines to see if we forgot anything.
I know it is very surreal at times isn't it - one day doing things together that happily married couples with families do and the next day discussing terms and conditions of the divorce. My W is moving out of the house this week while I am on a business trip. Yet on Sunday she drove me to the airport and dropped me off but not before giving me a hug, a kiss and squeezing my hand before letting go. Sometimes it just seems so bizarre.
I hadn't realized you started a new thread so I thought you had gone MIA! Sorry.
I think the way are handling this is very positive BBJ. You have your 'demands' in place, you are being fair minded with Dan. If he wants to give you more though.....for heavens sakes TAKE IT!!! There is no nobility in denying money you might need for the kids. Whatever extra he wants to give you over and above what you asked for...put it in the kids' college funds. It would be a great investment.
When Gabe left he took the clothes he owned and his personal items. That's it. I gave him a stereo and some of the movies and stuff I knew he liked but I have everything else. He moved in with OW in her fully furnished place so he didn't want anything and couldn't take it anyway. Sorry, I have no real advice there.
The other 'big ticket' items should be negotiated into the legal agreement. Houses, cars, equipment, IRA's and 401K's, etc.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Then he stuttered and stammered and said that actually he was kind of wanting me to come too, but if I had other plans, that was okay, he just kind of thought it would be good if I came...
BobbiJo,
I am rather curious to know why you joined Dan and the kids for the movie. To me it just seems like more of the same type behavior with a little divorce activity sprinkled in. As you were recounting things I thought for sure you would pass on attending the movie.
Something just does not seem right with this. On one hand I can see that you were giving thought to doing this "for the sake of the family". But I do not think that is the way that Dan was looking at it. It almost seems like he was just testing you to see how tightly wrapped around his finger he may still have you.
If you are trying to untangle and untether your life from his rotten life by means of a divorce and in doing so hopefully cause Dan to "hit bottom" more quickly, then going and doing the movie thing doesn't make much sense to me.
I do not mean to be making such a big deal about this one episode but the other part that I sense is that there seems to be continued enabling type behavior on your part. What I mean by this is that I believe (and I surely could be wrong)that Dan is nowhere near being comfy with the idea of taking his two young kids out anywhere by himself. Actually this doesn't even seem to be limited to just taking them out places. I seem to recall that he almost always has his mom and his dad play a huge part in handling stuff with the kids whenever it is "his time" with the kids. He has shown zero responsibility to do this type of activity on his own.
Dan going out to the movies with just himself and the kids is something that he needs to be faced with IMO. I do not think he stands a chance of experiencing growth in his life unless he is challenged with things which fall slightly outside of his normal comfort zone.
OK ..enough chatter from me.
I hope that you will be enormously blessed in unthinkable ways dear BBJ.
In general I do agree. This particular movie (Cloudy w/Chance of Meatballs) is one that I already had the book to and had read to my kids. Nathan and Sydney had asked me if we could go to it as soon as they saw the ads a month ago. I told them I would go with them. So I did.
Tonight is my night with the kids. We are making spaghetti and having 'game night'. It should be a lot of fun. And I am not inviting Dan to join us.
