1) Try to get out of serious mode. This is serious business, but it gets old and is no fun if you only talk about the relationship. Go for it a bit. You initiate some hugs (or even more)when you see her. This is your wife. It isn't a stranger or the first date. Put yourself out there a bit. Get natural with her. I know this part is awkward, but it helps if you try to move things to a more natural phase. My wife stayed at the house ONE night, and it was amazing how quickly the awkwardness left. She never left after that point. If you have to keep seeing her for all these awkward little talk sessions I doubt it will be all that exciting for her. Just give things a go. Have her over....and soon while she's still looking positively at things.
What about OM? She said that she knows he needs to go, but hasn't said he is gone. Do I keep strict boundaries or let them slide? It's hard to be natural with your W when you have unatural boundaries in place.
So as I have been working so hard to save the marriage; I really haven't taken time to reflect on its state. Yesterday, with W seriously discussing the possibility of getting back together, I took time to do that. I look around at the mess that use to be our marriage and wonder "Where the he!! do we start? We have done so much damage."
I am not discouraged. I know I want us to work. But currently am not sure how to get from where we are now to where we say we want to be emotionally, spiritually, logistically, etc. This is going to take time.
I think the dialogue went in the right direction, you led, she asked questions, you provided input, you weren't pursuing her, it seemed more or less based on your description of the dialogue that she is starting to pursue you again. Even when you told her to give you time after she asked for a hug and she started to cry, it's that push/pull dynamic that's in effect, you hugging her lightly, telling her to give you more time, so you slightly pushing her away as she is pulling you towards you and her crying showing that she thinks it's possible that you're moving in the opposite direction away from the marriage. It's going the right way, you can't make any of this too easy on her, I know you want to, I know we want to fix everything right now and just move forward but the process takes time plus the time itself helps to rebuild that trust, and she has trust to rebuild with you, with consistent actions, she has to show that she wants this.
You're doing good Tristan, really good. I'm not forecasting the future and giving you any false sense of hope but things do seem to be moving in the right direction, regardless of any setbacks that may occur along the way, you need to maintain this attitude that you currently have, your wife reads it, feels it, it's what is prompting her actions. Despite her previous comments about not liking what you had become (I think she mentioned mad or colder or something to that effect) and acting differently, let's be honest, it was those differences that prompted her to see that Tristan probably wasn't going to hang out and live in limbo forever. You started respecting yourself and demanding respect for yourself (directly & indirectly) and it's that verbal & body language that makes people stand up & take notice. You are doing great so far and I know it hasn't been easy: discussing this on a forum with strangers, getting conflicting views & opinions on what you should & shouldn't be doing but through it all, you took the best points of what felt comfortable with you & what you were able to do and you are seeing positive results because of this. You will probably notice, just as I have during this process that db'ing isn't just a one time thing, it's going to be part of your life now, a continuous process of personal development. I'm not saying you can't be comfortable and relax but I know you can't be lazy, you will have to monitor your relationship, your role in it, your wife's role in it, until it becomes habitual and you don't have to think about it to do it. Being lazy and thinking everything is ok as is and that every other marriage has problems so we're ok isn't going to cut it anymore. It sounds like work but it isn't, I would call it investing in your marriage as opposed to work, when you see it as an investment, you see that it has value, that's the right mindset to have, you know you have value now, you know what to expect from your spouse and when you set that bar high, they will expect just as much from you, and if you love each other, you'll keep that "mutual admiration society" going and continue to do things that make each other feel great and when your partner slacks a bit, you know you can be honest enough to say it and what you want because you respect yourself enough to ask for what you want and to be honest about it instead of being silent and just assuming things are ok.
Robx, I feel great. Thank you. You (and everyone else on this board) have been a great help.
And I know this is a process. I gave my W an unprompted phone call this morning to ask if she decided to go for the bike ride. She had not, but I told her to have a good day anyway. She thanked me. And left with "Have a good day sweetheart". It has been a while since I heard something like that.
1) Try to get out of serious mode. This is serious business, but it gets old and is no fun if you only talk about the relationship. Go for it a bit. You initiate some hugs (or even more)when you see her. This is your wife. It isn't a stranger or the first date. Put yourself out there a bit. Get natural with her. I know this part is awkward, but it helps if you try to move things to a more natural phase. My wife stayed at the house ONE night, and it was amazing how quickly the awkwardness left. She never left after that point. If you have to keep seeing her for all these awkward little talk sessions I doubt it will be all that exciting for her. Just give things a go. Have her over....and soon while she's still looking positively at things.
What about OM? She said that she knows he needs to go, but hasn't said he is gone. Do I keep strict boundaries or let them slide? It's hard to be natural with your W when you have unatural boundaries in place.
Don't mention the OM and setting that boundary until the marriage counselling session, I would set it there and tell her that for you to go forward with any of this, she will need to end it, you can set your boundary there, until then, leave as is. After that first session and the response you get, you will know whether there will be additional sessions after that worth going to and remember, have her invest in the marriage counselling sessions, it is more that OK to ask her to pay for them. The idea is for her to invest in them, we value things more if we invest in them. We invest in our children: time, energy, money, etc and we love & value them above everything else. How about the next door neighbor and his passion for restoring some old vintage car to something that is worthy of car show status: he invests time, energy, money, etc. He loves & values that car, you know he does.
Human nature dictates that we love & value things that we invest alot of time, energy & resources into.
Allow her to invest in the marriage counselling, if it's important to her, it won't be an issue for her to pay for them and it shows you that she is going to invest in this process. At the mc session, set the boundary of cutting off ties with the OM, if it's important to her, that too will be part of her investing in the process of reconciliation.
Until then, no need to set boundaries about the OM, you aren't living with her, you really can't enforce anything.
Robx, I feel great. Thank you. You (and everyone else on this board) have been a great help.
And I know this is a process. I gave my W an unprompted phone call this morning to ask if she decided to go for the bike ride. She had not, but I told her to have a good day anyway. She thanked me. And left with "Have a good day sweetheart". It has been a while since I heard something like that.
Allow her to invest in the marriage counselling, if it's important to her, it won't be an issue for her to pay for them and it shows you that she is going to invest in this process.
This is mute. Our health insurance pays 100% of the MC and she knows it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
What about OM? She said that she knows he needs to go, but hasn't said he is gone. Do I keep strict boundaries or let them slide? It's hard to be natural with your W when you have unatural boundaries in place.
Personally, if it were me in this situation, I'd have her come by for dinner or something and try to get things to feel more natural. I'd put OM on the back burner for a bit. Just enjoy the night. Don't be all stiff and serious. If you have done what you were supposed to do, and get strong on your own, then OM isn't even a factor, because if my wife still had OM in the picture when she was talking reconciliation with me, as soon as I found out I'd kick her to the curb. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. You need to get to a position of power and confidence. I don't feel that yet. I feel like you are still wrapped around her finger, rather than working to wrap her around yours.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Allow her to invest in the marriage counselling, if it's important to her, it won't be an issue for her to pay for them and it shows you that she is going to invest in this process.
This is mute. Our health insurance pays 100% of the MC and she knows it.
drop the marriage counselling talk. in fact how hard would it be to put the bad history aside, and just enjoy being together for awhile? as breakaway said, that pressure is a big turn off. you obviously can turn her on (plus now you have 2 places to have sex).
My company has been very creative in putting together a comprehensive policy.