SH, Welcome to the wacky world of MLC confusion. Your h is really off the wall a bit...wanting a divorce and shopping for a TV. Oh, yes, he'll definitely get back to you, but it most likely will not make a bit of rationals sense to you.
You really do not want to get into the mind of a MLCer. His mind is scrambled right now, pretty much like it's been short fused. Listen, but do not try to read too much into what you hear.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I only took a few minutes to read your last few posts. My W has all the same signs/symptoms, and even refers to the same MLC book, apparently.
We are friendly, but now the attys are getting involved again after 8 months or so (attempted R, where W just kinda rode it out, but didn't take any steps). A month ago things were looking up for us, and we were just starting to piece...but then a small incident occurred and she's now on the big D highway, once again.
Mine kept doing the same thing as yours - she'd drop the bomb again and again, but not take any action. Must be a tactic taught in the MLC guidebook.
I still sense some ambivalence, but the heavy lean is towards divorce right now. The date is only a month away, and I am almost to the point of accepting it. I am like you, I will not give up, but maybe it'll take a D for her to see the other side. After that, I am not sure where I'll stand on wanting her back.
Me: 46 W: 46 M: 9.5 yrs D4, D9 D filed by her 11/3/08 Agrees to try rec at mediation 1/28/09 Says she still wants D in counseling 3/25/09 W and I back in DB counseling (!) 8/20/09 3rd Bomb 9/2/09
snodderly: Yes, my H is definitely a strange one. But I can't look at the TV as anything significant. My H has very little concept of money. The TV is a necessity and kind of a gadget to him. His buying things for me really isn't a sign of any affection. I think friend may have also had something to do with it, since I mentioned to friend the other day that TV was breaking down. So - I'm writing the incident off. Back to waiting for H to pick a date to meet.
Hi Dave: Thanks for reading up on my sitch and posting to me. Sounds like your wife has had you on the rollercoaster for quite some time. Unlike your wife though, my H has never turned back in 3+ years. Says he wants D, but hasn't done anything about it. I was thankful for a while, but I think it's time to take care of business.
I have to admit that part of my wanting to get this over with now is because H isn't seeing anyone and neither am I. Our chances of working the terms out amicably are much better, I think. I have to assume that H is not coming back and I need to protect myself and my kids. I'm also being real and seeing that H is not the same man I married.
I'm actually ready to give up. I'm ready to really move on. I know what you mean about not knowing where you'll stand after the D, if it ever goes through. Seems like the D is a real eye-opener for some, even for those on our side of the fence.
Good luck in your sitch. Hang in there, and be prepared that this is a loooong journey.
SH, I think you mistook something I had posted. The TV purchase comment was not meant to mean anything more than more wacky behavior and something he would want to use as well. I never thought of it as a sign of affection or anything in that nature. Your h is doing some of the things that others do, but in different ways, i.e., one minute wanting a divorce and then the next purchasing items that you both could use. He's just a little ping pong ball bouncing all over the place right now.
I'm sure your h will select a date at some point in time. It will be interesting when he does it.
I do hope that you have a pleasant weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
snodderly: I got what you meant - probably should've started a new paragraph when I was trying to point out that I didn't see the TV as a sign of anything hopeful either.
I'm not putting down money either way on whether or not H will set a date. He may try to step up to the plate or he may continue to avoid. I could see him doing either.
And you're right about him being a ping pong ball bouncing all over the place. Not just with the D - he's constantly changing plans lately. He's always been very decisive.
I think I've reached stage of Acceptance. As for H, I have no idea what stage he's in. He reaches out a bit, then withdraws, still lots of Replay behavior.
H's behavior is becoming more and more strange. Told me last week he'd be going out of town. Then, other close friends said they were also going with their families, and H canceled his trip. Never told me he canceled and didn't bother seeing kids.
My relative was in town and went out to meet H. H surprisingly brought up subject of D, saying he had talked to me about it. They didn't talk for long, but relative said H seemed to be lying. Also said that H didn't seem to fit in with the friends he was hanging out with. His take on H is that he's still searching to find himself.
Helps having someone else's view. Think I've been looking at H and a happy future with him with rose-colored glasses for too long now.
With one last time slot available to meet, H called to say that he's too busy this week and next to meet to discuss D. Also said that he hasn't spoken to a L yet. At least he called.
I've become more resolute in my decision to go through with the D, suddenly feeling like I'm done mourning the loss of my M and ready to move on with my future to see what awaits. I do still feel sadness, but mostly for my boys and what they'll never have. And also for H, for what he's thrown away and for what his life has become. At 35, I've spent my last 15 years with H (the last 3 of which we spent S). I don't want to waste any more of my time. I love my H, but he's not my problem to fix.
Guess I won't have much to report H-wise for the next 2 weeks...
3 years is a long time and you have probably done most of the healing grieving work.. The door to your spouse may still stay open as you move ahead there is a whole new world out there I feel the same for my kids not having a dad home But I believe God will provode what is needed in other forms other positive role models(men) ity can never be the same but maybe is ok and enough Hugs Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
