Well be ready for it. If they want out they will find something. Mine is moving into a little tiny apt from our dream house.
It sounds like in your case she is swinging back and forth looking for reactions from you. Testing the waters. I don't which would be better. The agony of them leaving is horrible but there is a part of me that thinks the only way for them to see the light is to move out and see how different may be from what they had envisioned. I'm praying for you.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
there is a part of me that thinks the only way for them to see the light is to move out and see how different may be from what they had envisioned.
I think you're right here. The "utopian vision" that they have created of what their life would look like if they were out and independent must be pretty strong. It seems like the only way they will be able to ree through the fog will be to go. Hopefully once they are there they will see it for what it really is.
Thanks for the prayers. I'll add you to my ever growing list too.
On that note, faith has been a great focus for me during all of this. I've had some amazing experiences that I just couldn't explain with anything other than God is letting me know that he is here and aware of our situation. He hasn't "fixed" it to what I have been looking for, but he's shown himself for sure.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I know that her talk to me is a lot different than her talk to her GF and sister. When talking to me, she talks about staining the deck next summer. Talking (or E-mailing) to others, she talks about her new place.
Her actions are so confusing. She hugged me good night last night. I kissed her forehead. I was expecting a quick hug, but she held me for quite a while. Then off to "her" room.
Earlier in the day, we texted and I called her on the way home to tell her I would be late getting home tonight (shocker - she was going to GF's house w/S7). She kept me on the phone for a while.
This along with the fact that she watched TV with me last night before bed (she initiated), good night then too, kissed and slept together this weekend, and drank coffee together on the porch swing Sunday all are positives. Still no R talk. Still planning on moving as far as I know.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
She just called me at work just now. She found a place.
She asked me how involved I wanted to be. We talked for nearly an hour. We went over a lot of the same stuff, but with a little different approach. I said I'm trying to be understanding that she feels she needs this. I don't like it, but I understand that she feels she needs it.
We talked a little about the relationship with her GF. She got really defensive made it sound as if I just don't want her to have friends. I took quite an exception to that and clarified a little, but kept my cool. (She's VERY protective of the GF) W said she thought I had "gotten over it." I told her that out of respect for her, I just hadn't brought it up, but of course it still was an issue that someone else is more significant to my W than I am. I also said that I understand where you are at and how and why it is the way that it is.
We rehashed a bunch of things and she, as she has done before, said that she has told me things that she has never said. Finally she admitted "maybe I said that to my GF, or IC, but I meant to tell you." She said she appreciates me. She loves me. She would be "heartbroken" if she was in what she thought was a happy marriage and this happened to her and if someone else was suddenly chosen as #1 over her.
I told her I still didn't know what the plan was. Is she still planning this as temporary? She said that's the goal, but can't make any promises because she knows she isn't happy here. It's difficult to promise that she'll be back.
She still wants to run her business from our house. She'll be in our house every day. She's mostly looking forward to redecorating her new place.
We talked about a lot more, who pays for what, previous friendships, how she was so unhappy in our marriage and that's how GF became #1 to her, but overall she's moving.
The more I told her I would be supportive the less defensive she got and eventually started crying.
I'm numb again. Not falling apart. Just numb.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Strange to hear W rehash old things that just aren't true. Some things I can change. Some things she is just holding onto and putting really odd meaning to. I'm so sick of these same things popping back up. She really feels she is a victim here. I don't want her to have friends? NO! I don't want her to have a friend that takes prescidence over me. That's true! I don't argue that at all.
Now her and GF will have a clubhouse.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
It is easier for them to reinforce what they are thinking when they dig up the old stuff. Thinking may be the wrong word, maybe feeling is the right one. Not a lot of thinking going on.
Everyone says to be patient....I guess when you have no other option it makes it easier.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
REmind yourself - it's only to give her space. You acknowledge that what works is accepting and letting her make her choices. She gets less defensive and more open. Keep trying this.
It will still hurt. Keep your hurt for yourself to work through. I'm trying to remind myself daily "My H has not divorced me. He is here quite a lot. I need to give him space to feel lonesome without me - and not be able to blame me for making him miserable. I need him to have space to make himself miserable! also, I need the space. I need to have time alone without conflicts, issues, chasing, blaming - Just making me happy."
It is so hard but we can do it. I also freaked out when H started showing me bigger places he wants to move to. I remember the positive - hey, I'm in the house. It's hard for him to be in a tiny studio apt. I have it ok."
Keep reminding yourself she isn't gone. She hasn't filed papers. There is still lots of hope.
I kept busy working outside most of last night. W asked if I wanted dinner. I thanked her but passed.
AFter S went to bed, I came in and checked on her. I asked if she was OK and she looked like she was going to cry. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed, forehead, and said you just looked like you needed a hug.
She started crying and telling me that she was so sorry for all of this. I didn't respond. She held me tight and didn't let go when I did. She said she feels like such a horrible person. I didn't respond.
She let go do blow her nose, but sat behind me on "her" bed instead of coming back to my arms. I asked if she wanted me to stay with her or leave her alone. She said "whatever you want." I said "I asked that YOU want." (this has been an issue for us...she never says what SHE wants). She said she was fine either way and I calmly, almost lovingly responded "I don't really want to be where I am not actively wanted anymore. You know where I will be if you want me."
It's true. I am sick of feeling unwanted.
I didn't hear from her the rest of the night.
This morning, I left the house later than usual. She was up with S when I left. She was cordial but distant. Very little interaction.
I had a funny feeling to call her about 9:30 this morning. I never call her anymore. I called and told her that I was just checking to see that she was OK. She said this is really nerve-racking, and told me that she truly appreciated my call.
She told me that she was just leaving to go to the realtor's office.
It's so weird. I honestly feel like I have been the husband that only a fool would leave recently. Her version of the past has just painted me into something that I am not. A lot of it isn't even accurate to what I was then.
Numbness is fading. I am tired.
She has never had the fear of losing me. She almost seems to have the attitude that if someone else would make me happy than so be it. Looking back, it seems that she has been detached for quite a while. Her crying on me last night seemed not like she was happy that it was me there. I could have been anyone. Just someone to give her a hug.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
