Dia you have to deal with the ML aspect in which ever way you see fit hun! Having been there and got the tshirt so to speak at the weekend, I can only say that is was alright because it was what both of us wanted, it all started off with lots of kissing, probably more than would have been the norm! It was muted that was this the right direction to go in and my only objection was that it wasnt a "mans needs" the most hurtful thing H has ever said to me on our last ML moment before he left, his reply was "not mans needs but ML" only then was it acceptable. I used to say I'd never accept used goods, one thing dear to me is the fact that we have only ever been each others partners, but then it occurred to me that if that was the case it would be highly unlikely I'd even know! I totally understand you having boundaries and that H cant cross them until you feel happy about it, I cant say I wouldnt do what happened again last weekend but there is definitely not going to be any cake eating!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Hmmm. Well, I did stumble across the right thread. And ML was what I was referring to. so you have answered my question. And I admire your answer to underdog; I agree about the cathartic laughing and crying. Building intimacy, both emotional and sexual is good. I didn't know about the abuse thing. Whatever works for the two of you. There's something wonderful about "old home week" sex, if you know what I mean. It's as they say, like riding a bicycle.
Thanks for the answer Dia. I had no idea about your past. I am so sorry that happened to you. I don't have any problems with good sex or even making love, but when my wife is into it one day, and then the next day says she only did it cuz she was lonely, scared, remorseful, comforted, then it gets really confusing and sticky.
Maybe next time you can stroke her chin, look into her eyes and ask her if it's really love-making she wants, or does she just need to be held and comforted? If she picks the latter, do that for her (if you can).
In addition to making you look like a great guy, this puts it on her to communicate her needs clearly. If she doesn't, she can't hold it over you later. I'm not sayin' she won't try, mind you, but if she does it won't hold water.
Last edited by Dia; 09/22/0910:36 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Though in your sitch, what you are doing seems to be working - so keep doing it. Also, remember that there is an OW in my sitch. I might be a lot less self-protective if there weren't. I am a sexual abuse/assault survivor, and while all of that is ancient history I have to be careful of a few triggers or I suffer for it.
Not letting someone have unbridled access to my heart and body unless I'm 100% safe is a big-deal boundary thing for me. And with OW in the picture, I am not 100% safe.
YMMV
I'm a similar survivor. I've been tempted to give him sex in an attempt for love (past pattern). Best to hold firm on our own safety boundaries. you're doing great.
I don't have any problems with good sex or even making love, but when my wife is into it one day, and then the next day says she only did it cuz she was lonely, scared, remorseful, comforted, then it gets really confusing and sticky.
Don't take what she says too seriously. the point is she wants sex, and she wants it with you. Sex with you calms whatever is bothering her. Isn't that a good thing? I could say I only ate the cheesecake because I was bored and depressed. But truthfully, I ate the cheesecake because it was sinfully delicious!
I don't have any problems with good sex or even making love, but when my wife is into it one day, and then the next day says she only did it cuz she was lonely, scared, remorseful, comforted, then it gets really confusing and sticky.
Don't take what she says too seriously. the point is she wants sex, and she wants it with you. Sex with you calms whatever is bothering her. Isn't that a good thing? I could say I only ate the cheesecake because I was bored and depressed. But truthfully, I ate the cheesecake because it was sinfully delicious!
I stopped having sex with H because he was consistently remorseful and weird after. It is an awful feeling and not worth it IMO.
And cheesecake tastes good but is not good when you're on a diet. Makes you feel bad and makes your a** bigger.
I don't think it helps the R. If the WAS wants distance and feels they can't get it, it just reinforces those negative feelings. Plus, how YOU feel about it is important too. I hated feeling like his drug or his guilty indulgence.
Just got a text from H about the launch of his game. A split second later, a 2nd text came in labelling the first a 'mistell!.'
You know right where my head went - he was texting HER. 'Cept in all likelihood, he wasn't. She doesn't game, and unless he was poking buttons in his call history instead of his alpha listing, we're nowhere near each other in the list.
Now, mistells tend to strike fear into the hearts of those romantically involved where they shouldn't be, so even if he wasn't texting her, I'd guess he got a good adrenaline jolt out of the it - a That Would Be Bad harbinger.
Hmmm.
We'll see how he is when he comes home tonight with that added to family incoming added to our activities last night.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
