Wow. Actually I think you played it fairly cool. You resisted ML, which a lot of people wouldn't do, which makes you look strong and also respectful of the process that needs to happen to repair the marriage.
I think the main thing she needed to hear is that you could forgive her. Obviously more has to happen to move forward (transparency, OM, etc), but the fact that you are willing to forgive her so you can at least move in that direction is amazing.
I hope this means she is becoming more stable and seeing things more clearly, and seeing her own actions in a realistic light. That being said...tread carefully.
I will second this - your W has shared immensely here, but her emotions will change. She was caught up because she loves her daughter, and can't stand seeing them sad.
My W did the same thing - came to me sobbing, holding me, etc. I only asked her for marriage counseling - refused intimacy except for a hug, and made it clear to her that it wasn't because I didn't love her, but because I wanted to do things right, starting with me.
A week later, the old bitterness had crept back in, and she was off again. I did everything absolutely right, and it still didn't work.
I'm not trying to poop the party, but I would call a counselor now - don't wait on her - get it scheduled (unless she is the type that really wants to be involved). Pick someone neutral, but make sure you ask them if they believe in marriage and commitment. Many counselors counsel that you should basically do whatever you "feel" like in the moment!
I haven't read all of your situation, but I'm happy for where things can go!
Actually, I sent her a list of pro-marriage counselors in the area that accept our insurance. I thought it would be better for her to put some of the work into it. If I do all the legwork; isn't that a little pursuing in nature? I want her heart to be in this. Correct?
I think it's good because it shows you trust her in this and this is a joint thing and you aren't trying "to set her straight" like you're the adult and she's a child. It's acting like a partner.
I'd just say that you also look at the person she chooses and it's a joint decision of who you think will fit you best as a couple. Make it a "we" thing.
JMO, I've never gone to marriage counseling so what do I know? ;P
I'm sorry, but I think you're completely "rescuing" her. Letting her know you're able to forgive is one thing; catering to her while she is still having her affair, and the language you're using, doesn't force her into her own crucible, in my opinion.
My only communication with W today was 3 short e-mails: ---------------------------------------
I hope everything turned out well at your board meeting. Obviously I don’t have much new to tell you about the girls, but D3 did ask for you when she climbed into bed last night. Thank you for stopping by yesterday, it was a very enjoyable time.
Take care, Tristan
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Thank you. I had a very nice time too. It was hard but good.
The board meeting went well. They wanted an update on XXX and our financial standing. We are not doing well at all and CEO asked the board to step to the plate to raise money. It was a tense meeting but I am glad I was invited. Meetings like this help my professional development greatly and help me understand how decisions are made.
Thanks, W
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As mentioned last night; if you would like to work on our relationship, I would like to start with initiating counseling. I have included a link that has what are considered “Pro-marriage” counselors. The last 3 in the list take our insurance; the first would be out-of-network (so he would be more expensive). If you are ready, you can give one of them a call and set up an appointment. If you would like to do your own search, that is fine with me as well. Please just check that they take our insurance.
Thanks, - Tristan
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W stopped by daycare early to see girls but left before I arrived to pick them up. I am guessing that last night has scared her a little bit. It moved relatively fast. Back to giving her space and GAL'ing.
Had some fun with girls tonight. We went for a walk and went to bed early, everyone was still a little tired from the night before.
I'm sorry, but I think you're completely "rescuing" her. Letting her know you're able to forgive is one thing; catering to her while she is still having her affair, and the language you're using, doesn't force her into her own crucible, in my opinion.
Puppy
Puppy,
I have been thinking of this today and am beginning to agree with you. When I look back on it, I can easily see where you are coming from. I just need to not get caught up in the moment and keep my mind on the bigger picture (what she is doing to me and this family).
do you know for a fact she's still seeing the OM? i read through your whole thread but i forget if you're sure it's still happening.
about scheduling counseling, i'd say don't let it be totally her responsibility, give it several days or a week and then ask if she's picked anybody yet, maybe give her two or three options, but don't force her to make the phonecall. it would be best if she did, but she could just put it off, even if she wants to work on the R, it's also going to be really difficult for her.
don't rush it, but i'd say seize the opportunity. once she's back in the process, she's less likely to change her mind.
stick with "i will be able to forgive you," but not "i have already forgiven you." you know what i mean? eventually you'll be able to say that forgiveness will be dependent on real change on her part, and you won't scare her off right off the bat.
i wouldn't bother demanding yet that she stop seeing the OM. . .
good luck!
me 30 WAW 30 M 8 yrs T 9.5 yrs
3 cats 9,6,6
W left 5/31/09 W stopped most contact 06/26/09 W filed 7/22/09 (haven't been served)
