-W-------------------------------------------------- Hi there,
The girls did better last evening. We danced for a while to Hanna Montana’s dance along… it was fun to see D3 and D5 trying to follow the video. D3 is so flexible and coordinated; at times I am amazed because neither of us is like that. This morning I made a full breakfast and they ate a lot:-) They are looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. D5 was asking when was Saturday.
Well I am off to a single parents get together. I wanted to go by myself to meet some of them before throwing the girls into the mix. They are getting together to play board games. I have not played a board in a long time, but I always enjoyed the strategy ones. I am very nervous about this.
I just wanted to tell you and all those who have posted to youm (Robx, Coach, Breakaway, Puppy) thank you so much. I know what you're going through with the sep right now is hard as ever. I've been there and know too well that the beginning is the worst feeling ever. But it does get better, absolutely!! Puppy pointed me to your post so that I can follow some of the advic given to you. I'm on the infedility thread. My H and I have been sep for a yr now. Like your W he is trying to cake eat. Says he loves and I do feel his love but at the same time I know how he has grown to disrespect me and has taken me for granted.
I'm somewhat in the same mental place as you... always second guessing my actions and questioning whether I did the right thing or not. BTW it sounds like you're doing a great job. I like the fact that you seem consistent in your axctions. My problem is that I'm not consistent enough. Keep up the good work. I think if you do your wife will most likely come through. You're doing great and feel free to check my thread. Good luck and I'll keep checking on you too.
Just got back from the game night. I had a lot of fun. I had not played spoons since HS. I met a lot good people. A couple stuck around and talked to me about my sitch at the end of the night. You guys are great, but there is nothing like talking to pepole face to face. And I haven't been able to speak bluntly about the seperation to anyone. The only ones that really know about it are my parents and siblings.
I texted W that I would pick the girls up tomorrow at 9:00 am. Never received a confirmation. I guess I will show up and see what happens.
I wouldn't call it civil. We have very differing opinions on one major topic. I have just learned too keep my cool and not let whatever she is or isn't doing bother me. You will get there and the sooner it will be better for you and possibly your marriage. If you get the papers just deal with them. Don't let fear guide you.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Saturday: It was a litle difficult for me to wake up this morning. I was out a little late and drank alcohol. Only had 2 beers, but that is enough to irritate the eczema and I was up itching all night. It sucks having an allergy to something you enjoy.
So I guess W left me a message this morning at 8:45 wondering when I was going to pick up the girls, saying she had them ready. It must have been when I was in the shower. I get to the door and D3 is already there jumping "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!". That felt good. W opens door and she jumps out to give me a big hug. Its unfortunate that it takes something as tragic as divorce to make you understand just how much your children mean to you.
W: "How are you?" M: "I'm good. How are you?" W: <shrugs shoulders> "I'm doing OK."
I step in to help D3 put her shoes on. D5 pulls my hand, "Daddy, now can you please come look at my room?"
M: "Yes. I can do that."
This is the first time I have walkked through the house since it has been furnished. It was well furnished. The first thing I noticed was the tin turtle at the bottom of the steps. The "turtle" has always symbolized our relationship. I made a comment about the turtle on her key chain when we first met. I do not believe that I have seen her without a turtle pendant around her neck since the day she told me she was moving out.
D5 pulls me up the steps and into her room. "Look I have a Hanna Montana room!" She is very proud of their new room. It is well decorated. I notice there is a picture of me, but the picture that catches my eye is the one of W and I. It is the one that has "Love" written all over the frame, the one that she had up in her office for a while.
W asks would you like to see my room. I was curious and entered. It was furnished nicely. But again the pictures caught my eye. There were 3 on the nightsatnd. One of her, the other 2 of us: the wedding picture she took from our room and one where we were obviously a couple.
We walk out into the hall. D5: "Daddy, did you sign me up for gymnastics?" M: "I looked into it. But I haven't been called back yet." D5: "Awww, does that mean we are going home?" M: "Yes, but we will do something fun today. I promise." D3 "I want to stay here. Mommy, I want to stay here." W: "No sweetheart, I will see you tomorrow?"
W looks up at me. I had left an open invitation for her to join us for "family night" as we called it. It was always on Sunday that we would rent a movie and watch it together as a family.
W: "Is it OK if I come over tomorrow for a little bit?" M: "Yes. That is fine."
Her phone rings. She ignores it. The phone rings a second time, this time she goes over looks at the caller ID in a perplexed manner and turns the phone off. I can only imagine who it was, but it reminded me that she has a boyfriend and changed my mood.
M: "OK. lets go girls."
We walk down the steps and to the door.
W: "What time would you like me to be there." M: "I'm not sure, we are probably going to be out. Is it OK if I call you?" W: "Yes. That is fine." M: "Are you going to want to have dinner?" - I have a contemplative look on my face of how am I going to swing this? W: "I can come over and put together something from whatever you have." M: "That will probably work. Thank you." D3: "Mommy. I want to stay here with you." - in her whining voice W: "Don't worry. She is always wanting to do the opposite. She always wants to be at the other place."
I just give her a look, thinking it shouldn't be me you are worrying about.
M: "Have a good day. W: "You too."
We did some grocery shopping. Went to a fall festival and spent about an hour winding ourselves through a corn maze. We then came back and I cleaned the house a little and cooked pasta as girls watched a few episodes of "Wizards of Waverly Place".
I'm feeling pretty accomplished today and know that tomorrow will be another busy one.
Too late to write a long post tonight, but W agreed to go back to marriage counseling tonight. She also professed that a day didn't go by for the last 2 weeks that she didn't think about me. I will give full details tomorrow.
Journaling: Sunday evening: Girls and I went to church in the morning. D5 enjoys Sunday school. I had planned on going to a festival with the girls after church, but D5 said she would rather just stay home. Strange for her to want to do that, but I was fine with it. That gave me a chance to really clean up the house. I really wanted to make it nice to show W that I can maintain myself without her. Girls played outside with some neighbor friends while I did the cleaning.
I was anxious for much of the day as I did not know how the dinner and movie would go with W, but I was looking forward to it. When she arrived, it was a little awkward, but friendly. She came over to help cook, so we got right to it. I had little individual wines in the refrigerator, she helped herself to one and it quickly felt like old times. I started chopping peppers and she started on the onions: M: “So did you learn anything new this weekend?” W: <laughs> M: “Why are you laughing?” W: “You are always asking that now and I am learning so much.” M: “OK.” W: “I had a great meditation session this morning.” M: “That’s good. At church?” W: “No. Just on my own.” The conversation drifts into how she has been getting a lot of time to meditate and getting better at it. W: “So did you learn anything new this weekend?” M: Jokingly - “Wait, I don’t think you ever answered my question. Did you learn anything new this weekend? We got off on a tangent” W: “Well, at first I wondered why I invited myself over here today. But I am glad I did. I was looking forward to coming.” M: “You didn’t invite yourself. You had an open invitation. And I was looking forward to it too.” W: <smiles> W: “So what did you learn this weekend?” M: <think a little> “I learned that I still have fun playing spoons.” I then explain what Spoons is and how it is played.
Dinner was good. It was the first time we spent dinner as a family since the separation. It was kind of quiet and a little awkward. Much of the conversation included the girls.
After dinner we all laid down on the floor to watch “Marley & Me”. This was the common Sunday night tradition when we were together as a family. It was a good movie and really relevant to some of the problems we had as parents when the girls were younger. I could tell my W was getting emotional. Truthfully, I was too. It is a very good “benefits of family” movie. I didn’t get it because of that (I thought it was more of a comedy), but it was definitely a good movie for us. The movie was long, so it ended well past the girl’s bedtime. M: “OK. Girls time for bed.” D3: “Is mommy sleeping here?” M: “No.” W: “But I can help put you to bed.” D3: “I want mommy to sleep here.” D5: “That was not a good movie. It had a sad ending. Good movies don’t have sad endings.” M: “Sometimes they do.”
W puts D3 to sleep as I help D5 into bed. W comes in and starts helping with D5 as well.
D5: “Mommy, I want you to sleep here. I want you to move back.” – starts crying
I walk out of room, W is whispering to D5 while D5 continues to plead with W to stay. I felt uncomfortable upstairs, so I walk back down. W comes down, I assume to leave, so I get up.
W: “D5 wanted a glass of water.” W pours a glass of water, I walk back upstairs with W. We both walk into D5s room again. D5 continues pleading, we both say goodnight. I walk out first, W continues to comfort D5. When W exits room, she is visibly upset. I offer her a hug and she immediately begins sobbing on my shoulder. This goes on for what seems like a couple of minutes.
M: “Let’s sit down.” I walk her back to my bed.
D5: “Daddy, will please come lie down with me. I can’t sleep.” M: “I’ll be right back, let me go talk to D5.”
I go back to D5’s room and lie down next to her. She starts off a conversation. D5: “Daddy.” M: “Yes” D5: “Why do you and mommy talk like friends” M: “What do you mean?” D5: “I wish you were more normal, like friend Y’s parents” M: “How are friend Y parents different?” D5: “I wish you were more like the way you used to be. You know more like parents; not friends” M: “OK” D5: “Mommy said that she will move back someday.” M: “She did?” D5: “Yes” …
A short time later, D5 is calmed down and nearly asleep. I walk back to my room where W is lying down on the bed. I lie down next to her; she looks at me and begins to cry again. W: “I am so sorry.” I don’t remember this conversation very well at all. I know there was a lot of crying, we hugged, and held hands. W: “You know I love you. I love you so much. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not thinking of you. I miss you. I miss our family.” M: “I love you too.” W: “I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” M: “Yes.” W: “Do you think we can ever be together again?” M: “Yes. Marriage counseling would be the first step. Would you be willing to do that?” W: “Yes.” I lean over to kiss her. She grabs the back of my head and it quickly becomes much more passionate. At first I go along with it, but then stop and pull away. M: “No. Not now. It’s not time.” W: “You’re right.” M: “Not that I wouldn’t” W stops me by zipping her lips. W: “You’re right.”
The conversation continues till about 12:30. I walk her out to the car where we say goodnight with a kiss.
Looking back, I backslid here. But she did make a very large step in agreeing to MC. As of now she has turned from trying to find a way out of the marriage to recommitting to save it.
