Wow, this is hard but you have come so far. Keep focusing on the positive. He is at least considering breaking up with the OW, if not planning out loud how to do it. He acknowledged your changes. He thanked you. He felt heard.
I hear the EXACT SAME THING from my H - that I've hurt him through blame and I want to say well he's hurt me through blame too but I don't. If we want them to continue to take baby steps, they need to feel safe. That means feeling heard and validated. That means no pressure, letting them make their decisions on their own. They have to know inside themselves they want to be with us, not that they are coming back out of any pressure or input from us. You handled this beautifully. Yes, it feels like a post-car-crash trauma afterward. You took care of yourself and did everything you could do. He's moving toward you and you are letting him do it on his own time frame.
I think the pullback he's exhibiting is natural. He is pulling back to process his own feelings. You need him to do this so he is sure he wants the R with you. You need him to come to you. Great job!
these are all positives. You are farther down the road than a lot of us, and than you ever were before. Keep that in mind!
As I settled in, I had the feeling of being back where I belonged, of taking my rightful place. It wasn't an altogether positive feeling because I was so very cognizant of the several years of pain - for H, too - that led up to it. I mean, I wouldn't have needed to get 'back' there if I hadn't left in the first place. Regret, remorse, a tinge of guilt. Yes, I know it wasn't all my fault but I can't process his guilt or remorse, only my own.
Interesting that in victory, I did not feel particularly triumphant.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Dia (hugs) having had a very surprising weekend for me, I want to thank you, your journal has been a bit of an inspiration for me, not only because your sassy, bewitching little self has/is over time getting your H to see you as a considerable asset, but the fact that the whole way through it you are so willing to accept his feelings/thoughts/attitude about OW are valid, and not just because the books tell us too. I know at some point I am going to be hearing things about me which I am going to find extremely hard, but have to accept with a hearing heart not a "but it was you who caused all this mess" no matter who has done what it takes two to make a mess of it, and two to make it whole! Im not sure I have really said what I mean so really hope you are not offended!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I'll have to cruise by your place and read up a bit! Thanks for the thanks. If it had been OW1, I'd have had to throw down and give ultimatums about her. But OW2 is a bit different. H started that R at a point in the sep where we both thought this was all done. I think we knew that 'done' wasn't what we wanted, but we were both trying to play the hand we'd been dealt. In that light, it made it much easier to be tolerant, respectful and compassionate about his R with her. Doesn't mean I liked it! And it doesn't mean that it didn't/doesn't hurt. It was both easier and harder to deal with that if it had been OW1.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I just found your thread yesterday and I don't have a thread of my own yet..........please forgive my interruption of the current discussion......but I noted something in the background you gave on your initial post that mirrors what my H did when he left (1 year ago) and I am hoping that you can give me some insight into his thought process. My H left in anger, was very single-minded (never open to working on marriage, no OM or OW involved) and filed for D within 3 months. He said I worked too much (I did), he felt abandoned and it reminded him of his childhood with alcoholic mother and absentee father. Around the same time that H filed a miracle happened: I was offered a job with 20 hr/wk less work and more income, so I took it. After I switched jobs H began to talk to me (2/09) and since then we have moved into friendship stage, almost a stone's throw from romance (we've shared some nice informal visits/drinks on the patio at my house, friendly lip kisses and a little flirtation), but I can't crack his wall to get to the next stage. D will be final in 6 weeks if H doesn't request a delay. No sign of that happening. I've worked with a fabulous DB coach for the past year and it is only because of Jody and advice from this board that I've gotten this far with H.
You stated in your background that after the "initial anger-fueled filing" you "continued the process not because (you) wanted to but because there was so much pressure from so many people....to finalize it". What motivated you to get past that peer pressure to change your mind about the D? Did you actually delay finalizing your D? or did the paperwork just get so bogged down that the process was forced to slow down? Do you have any ideas for how H could "save face" if he was open to slowing things down? You may have some thoughts on this from your own experience with your H too.
Again, sorry to highjack but any thoughts you or someone else might have would be appreciated.
If you have a moment at all today, could you possible hop over to me and have a look at my last post as I had a DB session this morning. I would like your input on changing some dynamics at home and how to make my H feel more needed and as though he has a place at home. It will make sense when you read my last post.
I haven't posted to you before, but I have been following your thread. It is going to be hard to get past all the hurt that he has built up. But I agree with the others that the fact that he is talking about it means he is thinking about letting it go. It is all a trust issue. To have trust you have to earn trust. So keep doing what you are doing, because it is definately working. But there is one thing missing from your list of goals....
Dia, I'm going through your entire thread again cause I caught it about half the way through the first time. Not sure what your dissertation is about but if it is about relationships you have a good start:-)
I just read the room devoid of o2 analogy and have to say it is brilliant and should be mandatory reading for all LBS. I'd add that the hose doesn't have to be another person it could be hope of a new (fill in the blank). I have never read anything so insightful. After reading I was filled with empathy towards my spouse like I've have't felt in years.
Good luck over the next couple of days. I have a feeling its going to be a rough weekend once your H breaks it off with OW. I can imagine he is going through a huge array of emotions.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
If it had been OW1, I'd have had to throw down and give ultimatums about her. But OW2 is a bit different. H started that R at a point in the sep where we both thought this was all done. I think we knew that 'done' wasn't what we wanted, but we were both trying to play the hand we'd been dealt. In that light, it made it much easier to be tolerant, respectful and compassionate about his R with her. Doesn't mean I liked it! And it doesn't mean that it didn't/doesn't hurt. It was both easier and harder to deal with that if it had been OW1.