No fireworks last night - but I'm not disappointed. We watched the 2nd Pirates movie cuddled on the couch then I got invited for a 2nd night in a row in the Master bed. No fireworks but plenty of handsy-handsy under the covers and lots of sleeping cuddled tight against each other.
I'm working hard on excavating kidlet's old room today. Lots of stuff to give away, and every single item made of cloth that comes out of that room has to be laundered as I've encountered two black widows so far. <massive shudder> Snakes, rodents and insects don't bother me but spiders give me bigtime heebie-jeebies, esp. the widows.
We've decided that we can't use that room as a bedroom anymore. The narrow space makes it too hard to clean, allowing for things like spider infestations. I have to forcibly keep myself from thinking about my child sleeping there b/c the widows were around where his bed was. I'll be doing a thorough spray-down of the exterior with bug spray, and after that we'll use that room for storage and/or office space where we can see under things, move things easily for cleaning, etc.
Last edited by Dia; 09/20/0907:50 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Well, it happened. We had our first R talk. It went well. Very well, I think though my hands and the rest of me are shaking like a leaf.
He called me out to talk on the hammock and wouldn't you know that the hammock picked right then to have two ropes break, spilling us onto the deck. So we took the talk inside.
H said that the primary source of his discomfort with me and hence his reluctance to let me all the way in was due to times in the past when I had been very unhappy and blamed my unhappiness on him. He felt that was grossly unfair, and so why should he let me in again? At some point in the future, I'd get unhappy and just blame him for it.
Dia: You are right. I blamed you excessively and unfairly. Your feelings are completely valid.
He touched on a few specifics, and I listened and validated. Then he said that I was different. He listed several specifics and said for the last few months, I had been an amazing partner. That if he broke up with OW to be with me, it was going to cause immense pain and chaos in multiple areas. It would break her heart. She loves him, he loves her and she's never done anything bad to him to deserve this. Additionally, it would make things very difficult with his family and he would feel embarrassed around town as the grapevine version of our divorce is that he was some sort of grand victim in this whole thing.
This time, I had to almost bite my lips to keep from 'fixing' things. Again, I said I understood. That I respected how he'd been handling this. That I admired his strength and his honor.
Then he said that was all, at least for today. But he'd needed to say those things to me. That he'd been experiencing conflict coming home because I was the symbol of the conflict he was feeling. That especially since we'd climbed into bed, he needed to get some things out in the open. He reiterated that I was a different person, and that the humble way I'd approached this conversation was case in point.
There were no hugs. I thanked him for talking and we both went back to our respective projects.
He probably said about 10 words to my one in the convo, and that's probably how it should have been. I did not try to air any of my own hurts, my own perceptions, etc. save one. There will be time for that later. Today, he needed to be heard alone and exclusively.
The one perception I shared was related to alcohol. He said that I had called him an alcoholic (I did), and that that was wrong - he isn't and wasn't an alcoholic. I agreed. I said I didn't think he was an alcoholic then or now. I said that over a certain period, I thought he had been drinking too much and for the wrong reasons, but that not everyone who does that is an alcoholic. He agreed.
He mentioned my offering him wine near when I first arrived, and I said it had been a peace offering, a demonstration that I thought the alcohol issues had been resolved. He thanked me.
We've both retreated to our corners for some self-soothing, which I think is wise. We both need to process what just happened even tho the convo lasted way less than half an hour. I'm calming down slowly. Even tho I was calm and fine during the talk, afterward I felt exactly like you do after a car accident, the post-adrenaline dump comedown.
Last edited by Dia; 09/20/0909:46 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
