FYI - apologies for not making the rounds more. These people I allegedly work for seem to think that I should actually WORK in return for my paycheck. The noive!!
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Even though we didn't post each other's threads a lot, your is one I followed closely. I'm back and have a lot of catching up to do, but I'm so glad to see that you seem to be making some steady progress, girl.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I am sure you know very well how to handle what you are now attempting to do and I am sure it will work in your favour. It is all slow and steady and you aren't making any sudden movements which could send him running.
Gardener - thank you for the kind words. I'm glad to see you back!
Updates...
In keeping with the idea that I'm already in my new marriage, I decided to greet my husband like a wife last night instead of like a DBer who's letting him come to me. (Yes, I suppose wife and DBer are one and the same, but stick with me here.) So before he got home, I prettied up a bit, not the whole 9 yards but I refreshed my hair and perfume and some minimal lipstick.
When H got home a bit after 10, I got up from my reading, walked directly to him with a warm smile and greeted him with a warm, close hug, pressing my cheek against the side of his throat. He chattered very briefly about his evening, then displayed the milk I'd asked him to pick up and a package of mint Oreos left over from the nights of male debauch. I put these to good use.
He ooohed and ahhhed over the laundry and I got a second hug in the space of about 5 minutes. He followed me back out to the LR, but instead of sitting down with me, he said he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I stood back up and got my third nice hug of the evening. For two of these hugs, I attempted to end the hug before he did to see what he would do. Since I've been letting him initiate the hugs, I've also been staying in them until he pulls away and I've wondered what he would do if I pulled away first. Both times, he tightened his grip to hold onto me longer, so I gave him a squeeze and re-entered the hugs.
For this one, at the end of the hug he held onto my shoulders then angled me into the light so he could look at me.
H: Did you go out tonight?
Dia: Nope, I was right here.
H: You're dressed up, and you have lip stuff on. (note: same blouse and skirt I had on this morning)
Dia: I just felt like looking nice.
H: Your hair is pretty. <he fingers my hair>
H: And I like the music. (It was Enya, some of our love-making music.)
Then I settled back onto the couch and he headed for bed. -------------------
Next morning...
First off, he noticed the large stack of boxes in the DR that I'd put there in preparation for moving kidlet's room over the weekend. Then, when he wandered into the guest room where I have my office, he gave me an unprovoked hug in my office chair.
As we moved about the general morning business of getting everyone up and out, there were two significant conversations.
One was about my car, an 05 Prius. His is a 98 Contour that's on its last legs, and his dream car is to have a Prius like mine. So I said that my Prius needed brakes, an oil change, the tires rotated, and its 60k service, but as soon as those things were done, I thought he should start driving it to work and leave the Contour at the house for me since I almost never need a car. In addition to being more pleasant for him this would save on gas.
He said he sure wouldn't fight me on on the switch, then he said this:
H: What's wrong with the brakes?
Dia: They're original, and it's well past the mileage for the first brake service.
H: Oh, you mean <H-name> brakes! Yes, we should have those replaced.
Dia: (laughs in shock and surprise) Yes, we should. I don't want you driving the car unless I know it's safe.
H: Here's what we should do. We should take it to the shop near my work and have them look at it. Then we can make the repairs as we can afford them. (note his use of pronouns and the implied time span, cooperation, etc.)
Ok, so him joking about the brakes is f-HUGE. We had a major dust-up about the brakes on his car three years ago and he's been a complete bear about it ever since. If I ever even alluded to it, or when I brought it up in MC as an example of a pattern that bothered me, he became defensive and would berate me soundly.
Here's the other convo of note:
He brought up being gone or busy three nights this week, asking what I wanted for supper and saying he had no idea where we were on groceries, etc. I suggested hamburgers, he agreed and I didn't rise to the issue of him being gone.
H: I've been gone so many nights that I feel all disconnected and out of touch with you. (possible implied plural you, meaning me and kidlet)
Dia: It's ok. We're right here waiting for you. It was a special occasion, and I support your social life.
H <looking at me>: Well, I don't like being gone that much.
Dia <nonchalant, agreeable nod>: Ok.
Then, even though H and I already had two hugs that morning and I'd already hugged kidlet goodbye for school, he pulled both of us into a family hug.
Total hug count last night: 3
Total hug count this morning: 4
Last edited by Dia; 09/18/0904:30 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Hi Dia I'm a lurker who read up on your sitch last night. I'm a fan of GIMA - any how I want to say what an inspiration you are to me - looks like a real DB success story.
Anytime you'd like to check out my thread, I'd appreciate your input "I'm new and wondering if this works" thanks!
Glad to hear that he noticed the laundry and complimented. Sounds like you both have changed a lot in the past 3 years. Hope the talk goes well. I have trouble waiting this long for sex.
