A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

A few more tidbits from the Coaching session.

When I told JoAnn about the cuddle night in the Master bed, esp. about the extent of the roving hands on both sides, she laughed.

DB Coach: I love it when they have affairs with their wives! (referring to the fact that he may have been 'cheating' on OW with me)

She also liked that we had a direct conversation about not making love that night. She said his desire to wait sounded very mature, that it seemed like he'd grown during the separation - which I think he has.

Then we had the 1-10 conversation. I gave the marriage a '3 or 4', up from 1 (What marriage?)last time. I said that maybe the score wasn't even fair. That if we could just get rid of the limbo to where I know we were actually working on things, it would be more like a 6 or 7. Making love and ditching OW would then take it to 8 or 9.

Then we talked about intimacy, not the physical kind, and she told me to take heart about the verbal/emotional intimacy we've been building.

DB Coach: That's the *real* intimacy in a relationship; not the sex. It's the sharing of your innermost thoughts and feelings, trusting your partner with vulnerabilities, insecurities, warts and all. If you can listen, validate and make him safe sharing those things with you, *thats* intimacy.

[Dia]

So last night was night one of H's male bonding nights. He came home much earlier than I expected - 10 pm. I thought he'd be out til midnight-ish based on what he'd told me about being out 'late'. Then, when he saw the clock, he was surprised it was even that late as he'd meant to leave earlier. This is especially interesting as their boss, who was there, gave H's whole department the day off today for more hanging out time.

I was curled into a corner of the couch reading and he plopped himself down and threw a leg over mine. I stroked his calf while we talked for awhile and shared the 'how was your day' kind of stuff. I told a few funny stories about the kidlet and the cats. That lasted half an hour to 45 mins, then he went to check email and such. I went and read in the master bed mostly cuz it's more comfy-cozy than reading on the couch sometimes (I get awful tired of that couch!).

My kitty came and curled around the top of my head like he does when we sleep in a real bed. He can't do it on the couch as there's not enough room. He ootches his paws into my hair and purrs in my ear. H had never seen that before, though I'd described it for him. When he was ready to come to bed (I told him I'd move) The whole kitty-in-my hair thing red-lined his cute-meter.

H: Awwwwww! Now *that's* cute!

[Sara]

Yes, I sleep, or try to, with a cat on my head too. He won't let me clip his claws though, so he is a painful friend.

[Dia]

Hi, Sara!

Journalling.

Coupla things...

Last Saturday before I went down south, H asked if it would be ok to use my laptop while I was gone. I said yes, but I'd need to give him the password. He must have seen a look of sadness flit over my face, so he assured me that he just wanted to be able to check his own email or work on his projects from the deck and that he wouldn't snoop. I said that even if he did, I had nothing to hide and I showed him how to log in to the machine.

When I came back, the laptop appeared undisturbed and there's no evidence of use in my browsing history or download history.

Was this a test? And if it was - did I pass? The sadness when he asked was... I'm not entirely sure but I think it's that I *don't* have anything to hide. He can read my email. He can check my chat logs. He can look here. I think the sadness was that he either wouldn't give me the same access if I asked, or that I know he *does* have stuff to hide. Or at least - he hasn't assured me that he doesn't.

Other note for the day - I am doing H's laundry today and I am conflicted over it. He was down to re-wearing socks and wearing strange shirts and I know he'll be out late tonight, so when he mentioned how behind he was on laundry I asked if he'd like me to do it. He said would I please? Thank you, that would be so great. Only if you have time... you don't have to...

So I am doing his laundry. And for some reason, I feel vulnerable about it. All of the other chores I've done, even the cooking, aren't anything different than I'd be doing in a place where it was just me and kidlet. I'd still cook. I'd still clean. I'd still do laundry - for me and kidlet. But doing his laundry is so... wifely. It's pure, 100% AoS, too because I don't want to do it, really. I'm doing it as an act of love for him. So I'm stepping out of my comfort zone again.

I'm matching his socks, folding his underwear, hanging his shirts and putting everything neatly folded on his bed. Normally, I'd put stuff neatly into his drawers but I'm staying out of his drawers (pun intended) for the time being.

I guess if I'm his wife - in the full sense of the word and not a mere legal technicality - I'm fine with doing his laundry. But if I'm not, it's a dam% friggen big piece of cake I've just handed him. See, if we don't stay together, I'm not going to resent the cooking or the cleaning. But darn it, I'm going to resent doing his laundry. I wonder why laundry seems so much more personal and intimate somehow than cooking? Is it the whole underwear thing?

Anyway, and the fact that I know I would resent having done his laundry if we split up means... I need to work on that, or I need to not do his laundry? I'm still pondering which.

[Coach]

I guess if I'm his wife - in the full sense of the word and not a mere legal technicality - I'm fine with doing his laundry. But if I'm not, it's a dam% friggen big piece of cake I've just handed him. See, if we don't stay together, I'm not going to resent the cooking or the cleaning. But darn it, I'm going to resent doing his laundry. I wonder why laundry seems so much more personal and intimate somehow than cooking? Is it the whole underwear thing?

No, it's not the underwear thing. Your fear kicked in. You were adding up all the things you are doing and not minding. Once the thought that you wouldn't be his wife crept in you got scared and sunk. You need that faith to walk across the water. Give with both hands and your whole heart. No regrets.
You are handling it.

Cheers

[Dia]

Yes, Coach, you're right. I'm afraid of being hurt.

Thank you.

[C-Bart]

Hold on a minute. I am a bit concerned about this resentment over doing his laundry. Not the actual resentment but the fact that you did it despite the fact you didn’t want to. This is a dangerous precedent to set. If this is something you resent or will in future don’t do it. Are you rebuilding or falling back into old roles? Is this something you would like to do long term?

[Dia]

I hear you, C-Bart. I thought about that long and hard while folding his things. The decision I came to before I read what Coach said is that I need to not do his laundry again w/o saying something about it. There's a boundary there.

Coach, however, has an accurate and valid point. Let me unpack a few things...

In the past I felt resentful about the laundry because it is a never-ending task that I did 90% of. Maybe 95% And H griped that either HE did most of the housework or that I never did enough.

The resentment was not so much about the laundry as it was about the lack of recognition and appreciation for what I was doing. I felt taken for granted for starters, and then on top of that I was getting busted on for not doing enough.

BUT - that is the old reality. Not the new reality. The new reality is that H has different ideas about housework in general, and he seems to A) recognize, and B) appreciate greatly the things I do. So the situation is different and my response to it is based on old triggers.

I'm going to watch and wait, see how H responds. I will give this with both hands and a whole heart today. It's no different than acting as if. I can't tell you if I will do it again in the future because I don't know what the future holds yet. It doesn't hold the past, though, because even if H *isn't* different; I am. It's not the old marriage anymore, so I will be patient and see how this plays in the new marriage.

Edit: As for long term - I think I would like him to do his own laundry, but I won't mind doing it as an occasional favor.

[Dia]

Well, I just had another one of my little epiphanies. I've been waiting around in Limboland wondering if I'd get a chance at a new marriage and when it would start. Then it hit me.

I'm already in it.

It's got an OW, and I'm sleeping on the couch but even so it's actually pretty good. And it's WAY better than the last year or so of the old marriage.

[aliveandkicking]

Am I nuts to think that doing someone's laundry while they are with OW and living under the same roof with you is a reasonable thing to take issue with?

I have to admit, this thread confuses me.